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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I expecting an unreasonable amount of communication

35 replies

ALE1 · 29/08/2023 18:16

First off, I know the decision to let them go will be controversial but it's a bit late for that.

I have 3 kids, twin boys who are 17 (18 next week) and a girl who turned 16 earlier this month. DD loves tennis, as does my nephew and both my boys enjoy it but not loads.
My nephew is 22, and suggested last year taking her to Wimbledon, so she missed a couple of days of school last July and went to Wimbledon. Had an amazing time. This year her GCSEs were already over and they went again. My nephew has always said they have a great time.
DH and I had no holiday time this summer as we have a wedding in New Zealand in November taking up 3 weeks (to make it worth it). This meant no real holiday for the kids. This is when my nephew told everyone he was going to New York for the US Open. DD was jealous and my nephew offered to take her. We pondered and agreed. Obviously both boys then also wanted to go.
So on Friday all 3 DC (16,17,17), my 2 nephews and niece (22,20,18) flew out to New York. They have grounds tickets for the US Open for a few days, tickets for the grandstand one day and a bunch of sightseeing plans. My parents basically paid for it all.

The issue is, we are not getting much communication. When they have gone to London we have always asked for morning call and evening message. Since Friday we have had no calls, a message in their morning and an evening message twice.
I'm constantly worried about them, obviously if they were all 18 it would be different but they aren't. They fly back on Monday and I don't think I can handle this until then.
I'm tempted to say that at-least one of them have to call me in the morning and I expect a message when they get back to then hotel (yes I'll be asleep but it will settle me if I wake or in the morning).
I'm really starting to wish I hadn't let them go.

AIBU to demand more communication? Should I just let them have fun?

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 29/08/2023 18:19

Are they updating social media? Has anyone heard from them?

Original poster
ALE1 · 29/08/2023 18:21

MichelleScarn · 29/08/2023 18:19

Are they updating social media? Has anyone heard from them?

I don't have instagram to know and that's where they would post. I could ask someone to check. We have had a morning message of "morning miss you" everyday and an evening message twice.

OP posts:
zusje · 30/08/2023 17:35

So you have communication, you know they are alive if they message each day? They are almost 18 (classed as adults) and 16 and with other adults on a probably once in a lifertime holiday with a full itenarary and having fun. Why don't you call them if you're worried for a quick chat? But tbh when I was 17 I went away for 5 days with school and don't think I called my mum once. Your boys might be leaving for uni soon, would you still expect them to call twice a day then?

Cherryana · 30/08/2023 17:37

Why can’t you call them?
Do you have a WhatsApp group for the trip? That might make it easier.

ApolloandDaphne · 30/08/2023 17:40

Look on it as training for when they go off to uni! They can go weeks without making contact. I'm sure they are fine and just having fun.

AnImaginaryCat · 30/08/2023 17:42

Have you called them or messaged them abd they haven't responded?

No news is good news - pretty sure you would know things weren't right.

TheAOEAztec · 30/08/2023 17:44

Think of it this way. There are 6 of them. Should there be such an extreme event that all 6 are missing, you would read about it. They have time of their life out there.
I wouldn't be happy with my mum wanted call at for them weird time kf the day when they are out and about

ErosandAgape · 30/08/2023 17:44

As pps have said, have you phoned them, and they aren’t picking up?

pizzaHeart · 30/08/2023 17:45

It’s not unreasonable to ask for this. I wouldn’t expect them to message you through the day but it’s ok imo to ask for a txt when they are back to a hotel. However all families are different so I’m sure a lot of people will tell that it’s enough communication.

By the way maybe each of your kids is thinking that the other will call you. You need to have “ a designated texter / caller” or sort out some sort of rota with them.

noworklifebalance · 30/08/2023 17:49

My mum is like this with me and I am over 40, married with children - she expected some communication everyday or she starts getting stressed.
Anyway, your situation is not the same, as they just knocking on adulthood and it’s probably the first time they have been so far away without a parent. So I understand how you feel!
If it is any consolation, I heard a light hearted phone-in on the radio about kids going to music festivals after GCSEs and their parents not hearing from them for days.
So YANBU to want communication from your kids but YABU to expect it!
TBH the risks are probably higher at a festival.

Confetto · 30/08/2023 17:49

I think you really should have told them beforehand what you expected. But you could just text and ask them to humour you by texting daily. I don't think you need phone calls.

TheEverdelightfulsamantha · 30/08/2023 17:49

Can’t you just message and say “kids, your little old mum is feeling a bit lost without you - can you give me a few more updates so I don’t lie awake worrying?, hope you are having an awesome time x” or whatever? Keep it light but no harm in asking for what you need

Temporaryanonymity · 30/08/2023 17:51

FFS just get IG or send a WhatsApp.

Jelly0naplate · 30/08/2023 17:52

If they're using their UK phone sims it's really expensive for data etc to be calling everyday.

Tbh you've had daily communication from them, sometimes twice a day. Did you set out an expectation that they would call home everyday?

I think the fact that they've messaged everyday is fine, they are almost adults and with other adults, probably having a great time.

redskytonights · 30/08/2023 17:54

I wouldn't expect any more communication than that. And be pleased if I did get more.

But if you are expecting more then you should have made your expectations clear before they went, or at least let them know that they should get in touch.

NoSquirrels · 30/08/2023 17:54

Haven’t you messaged them?

If they’re ignoring you, that’s bad and I’d create hell. But if you’re just waiting for them to text you, then you’re being a bit passive.

Set them up as a WhatsApp group and tell them you want to see what they’re up to!

handmademitlove · 30/08/2023 17:56

My 16 yr old ds just spent 3 weeks in Korea with scouts. He updated insta so we signed up and followed him so we could see what was happening 🙂 we did also occasionally send a message simply saying "proof of life please!" and he would message to say he was fine 🤣😂 They are probably blissfully unaware you are concerned unless you discussed it before they went. A little humour goes a long way in these circumstances...

zusje · 30/08/2023 17:59

Confetto · 30/08/2023 17:49

I think you really should have told them beforehand what you expected. But you could just text and ask them to humour you by texting daily. I don't think you need phone calls.

OP has already said she's getting a daily morning (to them) text and had some occasional evening ones as well. The kids are communicating daily, just not calling (which with the time difference I don't find that odd as it would mean calling either odd hours for them or their parents and plus as young adults likely not the first thing on their mind when having a blast in New York)

gabagood · 30/08/2023 18:03

Can you not just download IG?

I wouldn't expect a phone call at all. I'd ask for a text every day but I think that's all you can realistically expect.

Newusernameaug · 30/08/2023 18:04

YABU you’ve had daily communication! Leave them be - this is your problem not theirs

waterrat · 30/08/2023 18:06

At 16 I was spending days at festivals with no phone ....I think you have to assume no news is good news

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 30/08/2023 18:06

YABVU.

They're contacting you everyday! If you want to speak to them, then pick up the phone and call them yourself.

ErosandAgape · 30/08/2023 18:08

handmademitlove · 30/08/2023 17:56

My 16 yr old ds just spent 3 weeks in Korea with scouts. He updated insta so we signed up and followed him so we could see what was happening 🙂 we did also occasionally send a message simply saying "proof of life please!" and he would message to say he was fine 🤣😂 They are probably blissfully unaware you are concerned unless you discussed it before they went. A little humour goes a long way in these circumstances...

In fairness, if that was the jamboree where they had to evacuate a lot of scouts out of the path of a typhoon, I think you could be forgiven for being mildly twitchy!

noworklifebalance · 30/08/2023 18:09

i had missed that you had morning and evening messages - in which case YABVVU

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 30/08/2023 18:15

YABVVVVU! You are getting a text every morning. Leave them be. Let them enjoy themselves. You run the risk of spoiling the holiday and their relationship with you if you start demanding phone calls. Out if interest what type of communication were you planning to give them while you were in NZ?