For really struggling to move past this comment?

[LesMom87]

Me and my partner (also a woman) are starting to have conversations about starting IVF at some point in the near future. I’ve had a previous pregnancy with a male ex-partner years ago which sadly ended in a miscarriage, my partner knows about this but we haven’t properly discussed it because she doesn’t want to upset me, etc.

We were talking about hypothetical situations for hopefully when we do get pregnant (I would be the one carrying as she has some gynaecological issues) and I said that I would like to continue working (I’m office based and at a desk most of the time but she is quite protective and would want me to not do as much if pregnant) and she made a comment along the lines of “do what you think is best just don’t lose the baby”.

She immediately knew she screwed up and spoke without thinking and apologised straight away and I knew she felt awful about it because she was really upset for the rest of the day. It happened about a week ago and even though she has apologised loads of times since then, and I don’t blame her because she hasn’t got a nasty bone in her body and I can 110% say it wasn’t done maliciously, I’m still just really struggling to move past the comment because I blamed myself so much after that miscarriage and I’ve been feeling really quite triggered since.

AIBU for feeling this way?

It is not a comment yiu would expect anyone to make. It no doubt feels doubly worse because if your previous miscarriage. Hand hold OP.

YANBU to feel how you do, but equally I can see how she said it completely unintentionally, so I would try not to hold it against her. Would it be a good idea for you to have some counselling before you start IVF, as it sounds like you have some stuff to work through, and from what I gather IVF if tough emotionally at the best of times.

I can say with absolute certainty that she just spoke without thinking, she would never ever do anything intentionally to hurt me and that’s why I love her so much, she’s the kindest soul and I know she really beat herself up after saying it. I think as PP said, I just wasn’t expecting it and I do suffer from a bit of PTSD from what happened so I think it was a bit of a gut sucker punch comment that just brought a lot of things to the surface for me. I 100% agree with the counselling comment! X

Have you told her how you feel or have you tried to gloss over it and say it’s ok? I’m not saying have a go at her, but if you have tried not to be upset/hide that you upset it might make it worse.

If you haven’t maybe sit down with her and explain fully how and why it hurt you and that might help you move past it.

Im pretty sure when me and my wife had ivf we had to have some counselling about it so that’s another opportunity to talk about it with her with a councillor there.

I think that kind of feeling can be an issue for lesbian couples in a way it isn't in the same way for straight people, because there's at least the theoretical possibility of both partners carrying the baby. I know some very good friends of ours (a female couple) had very serious conversations about who would carry their baby (the one who was desperate to be pregnant was the elder and had had some gynaecological problems in the past), and then she lost twins at 24 weeks and was, as you'd expect, heartbroken. I think she found it terribly difficult when they agreed that their only likely chance of having a baby was if her wife had the baby, which she did -- the early months in particular were very difficult and I think the partner who'd lost their previous babies was still grieving the experience of biological motherhood, had complex feelings about how her wife had had a 'successful' pregnancy, and how the baby felt 'more' her wife's than hers. They're still together and that baby is an adorable eight year old now (and very much the child of both her mothers) but it wasn't straightforward for years.

I can understand why you feel triggered, OP. I'd suggest some counselling to talk things through. It can be an emotional minefield.

I honestly don't blame you for being upset it really was a horrible, thoughtless thing to say regardless of her not having a mean bone in her body.
Does she lack a filter in other situations? Or is this a complete one off?
You do have every right to be hurt at the comment.

Can you reframe it as a clumsy attempt to say "just don't exert yourself".

Tell her how it made you feel, make sure you have a deep chat about it so you can truly feel apologised to by her - rather than her going on a self-flagellation bout which requires your reassurance.

A comment like that needs a proper space for you to feel fully heard, and comforted, without the need to reassure her.

She sounds lovely so I am sure you will get there as a couple.

This is my thinking.
Its an odd thing to say to any woman. Ever.

Unacceptable. I would struggle to get passed that too and I let most things go over my head.

Assuming you get pregnant and then, God forbid, miscarry again, is she likely to blame you?

Wishing you success and happiness in your journey to be parents.

Assuming you get pregnant and then, God forbid, miscarry again, is she likely to blame you?

This would be my concern. It was a strange comment to make in response to something as mundane as continuing to work at a desk while pregnant, something loads of women do. Does she have any understanding of how pregnancy works, and that miscarriages are very common and rarely related in any way to the woman's actions.

I'd like to assume it was a clumsy way of saying "I hope we don't lose the baby after everything we'll have to go through", by the way she's reacted it's obvious she didn't intend to hurt you.

She made a mistake, she acknowledged it and apologised profusely. People make mistakes every hour of every day. You need to move past it as I don't know what more she can do.

I’m office based and at a desk most of the time but she is quite protective and would want me to not do as much if pregnant

This sentence makes me slightly concerned about the dynamics here.

Your not made of glass. I'd actually be concerned that 'protective' becomes controlling.

Like others I’m most concerned that it sounds like she’d actually like you to give up your desk job for the sake of being pregnant. That is extreme!

Me too.

At best, she doesn’t understand pregnancy and how much people can do while pregnant, and she’ll be very annoying any time you try to get on a bike/lift anything/enjoy yourself.

At worst, she’s controlling.

Doesn’t seem controlling to me. My wife was concerned about me overdoing it when I was pregnant.

Something is not right. She doesn't seem to understand pregnancy and how it works. I would be VERY worried about her mental state and capacity if she made such a comment. There is a big chance you will have another miscarriage, plenty of women have multiple. Is that going to be your fault? What if the baby is disabled? Is that your fault too? I would have a very serious conversation with her as there is no way you can start doing IVF until she gets her head straight. Because you need a supportive, informed partner when pregnant. Not some drama llama that hasn't got the slightest clue.

FYI women don't stop working because they are pregnant. That's an absolutely ridiculous idea.

Malicious or not, that's just a nasty comment to make. I can't even imagine why someone would think that, let alone say it. It may be misplaced concern over you 'over doing things' by working, but office work is hardly that same as being a sky diving instructor or a search and rescue officer, is it? And what happens if the pregnancy isn't straight forward? Will she blame you?

YANBU to be upset and struggling to move past that comment, OP. I don't know how you would move on from that. I don't think I would.

I would cut her some slack, she probably meant that as long as baby is well you should do what suits you.

Given her gyna issues, she’s probably stressing and feels powerless.

YANBU for being upset, she has learnt her lesson even though it wasn’t malicious at all.

Wow, bit dramatic. You got all that from a couple of comments someone you have never met or have no real knowledge of made.

Working at a desk is one of the LEAST strenuous jobs anyone could have, OP.

I am getting very unpleasant controlling & judgmental vibes from your partner, OP. As if, if you had another miscarriage - which is common - she would blame you. And if she doesn't want you sitting at a desk, I can imagine a million other (unreasonable) restrictions she will put on you.

Why would she even be concerned about you doing ordinary, sedentary work while pregnant?