To not want ex friend who dumped me worming her way back into my social life?

[toadasoda]

A close friend "M" stopped being my friend about 6 years ago. It was the usual pattern I often read about here - cancelling things, not replying to messages etc. This habit of messing me around went on for about 2 years before I gave up and stopped initiating everything, then contact stopped.

We were both part of a larger group going back 20 years and M stopped going to group social events around the same time as she started cutting me off. Obviously others were surprised but they weren't her close friend. We would often arrive to these group events together and we were always in touch independently meeting just the two of us or with another friend. What upset me most around that time was she stayed in contact with 2 of the group: 1 is in another city where their partners are also friends and they do weekends away together, so thats a little different. The other is also my friend and we would often meet as a trio, thats the thing that really hurt, why she was the chosen one and I was not. It felt very callous and personal and despite many attempts I never found out why she stopped contact.

Due to restrictions in geography and family, our 'old gang' have very structured meet ups with our children including an annual Christmas get together and an annual weekend away, same dates every year. Sometimes someone hosts a party or BBQ outside of this. These are usually arranged via a WhatApp group which is not used for chat, just confirming arrangments so M is still lurking on these groups from years ago. A few months ago out of no where she turned up at an event, I knew from the group that she was going and was gobsmacked. I was a nervous wreck and she just acted like I was an old acquaintance asking me about my family etc. Apparently beforehand she messaged some of the group saying how she was looking forward to seeing them and so sorry it had been so long etc, but she never messaged me and again, it felt very personal. I thought i might be ok to see her but I was really on edge and had an awful night. It brought back how upset I was literally for years over it, how it made me question myself and my relationships with people and knocked confidence out of me for so so long.

I've been invited to a house party by one of the gang in another city in a few weeks. I'm travelling a few hours and am bringing the kids to a family member in the same city and staying in a hotel, its a big deal to organise and I was really looking forward to seeing everyone. I just saw a msg on the group chat from M confirming she is going. Suddenly I don't want to go and I feel like she is ruining everything. I don't have a huge circle of friends and these 2 or 3 times a year events are the big things in my calendar. I guess I can't do anything about it but I'm a ball of stress now. I just can't face her. DH thinks I'm being silly for giving her the time of day but I can't help it, I feel really angry with what she put me through. Its like she woke up one day and decided she wants her old pals back and doesn't think there are any repercussions

AIBU to be so upset about this? Would I be cutting off my nose to spite my face to avoid these events? I have restrained myself from bitching about her in the past, should I be telling everyone how I feel about her or just biting my lip?

I think she did a cowardly thing cutting you out like that without an explanation, but friendships do ebb and flow. Sometimes you find with certain friends you no longer have much in common and you don't have time to maintain all friendships so have to take a step back. It sounds like she still would like to keep things civil with you and she wants to keep some of her old friendships, I think both those things are quite reasonable. I think you need to rise above it and treat her with the same coolness as she treats you. It doesn't have to be so emotionally loaded.

I think you can be polite but not overly friendly. And if she suggests meeting up, make some vague comments about "yes maybe sometime" and don't follow through

Agree with PP, it's best not to get too engaged / drawn into drama about this

your other mates will be there
just be polite to her and enjoy the time with real friends

Agree with PP and your DH. The thing is, she probably sees it totally differently to you. She probably sees it as you got less close over time, drifted apart, now she's back in touch but in an acquaintance rather than close friend way. I get that's hugely hurtful to you but she's almost certainly being self-centred and just not thinking about you, not deliberately trying to hurt you. Don't let her taint or ruin the other good friendships you have. And definitely don't put your other friends in the awkward position of choosing between you.

I guess one option is to go on the weekend and try to clear the air - if you can get her to herself and say "I was really hurt when you stopped replying to my messages - what was that about?" But you are probably better just to treat her as the casual acquaintance she now is.

By stopping socialising with your friends because of this woman, you're risking losing more friends. Your husband is right, you shouldn't be thinking about this as it's putting you in danger of making things worse for yourself. Just carry on doing what you normally would with your friends.

I wouldn’t raise it with her or the others. I think the amount you’re ruminating on it will just make it feel worse for you. Move her into The category of someone not worth your headspace - someone to be endured because they’re a friend of your friends. There are a couple of people in my wider group I view like that. One of the then used to be a closer friend but we drifted through her choice. She’s been a little unkind and chosen you she isn’t a friend you can rely on. The fact it hurts so deeply likely means it has triggered something else from earlier in your life. It’s fine for friends to come and go and don’t let someone who’s willingly hurt you get close again. You’re a bit part in her life so try and stop making her central to yours. Every time you think about her try and move your mind on as overthinkng about things (thinking about them more than is necessary to make decisions) make them a bigger part of your life and memories than they need to be. You don’t need to know why she treated you that way. That’s out of your control. What’s in your control is the make her unimportant to you as you don’t want people who make you feel that way involved in your life.

Don't lose friends over her. Just be polite. And try to let it go. I know it's hard when someone has wronged you, but you don't know her side of the story.

Don't overthink it.

Get some phrases in your head instead.
"mm, yes, I must go and refresh my drink"

I can feel your pain, and I sympathise with and understand your hurt.

I do get it.

Agree with pp's that my advice would be to find a way to cope so you don't lose other friendships.

But there's one bit I don't get.
Which is
she stayed in contact with 2 of the group: 1 is in another city where their partners are also friends and they do weekends away together, so thats a little different. The other is also my friend and we would often meet as a trio, thats the thing that really hurt, why she was the chosen one and I was not

Because from this, it sounds like she never totally shut the door on this group

And, therefore her coming to some of the meet ups again isn't totally unexpected/surprising

I'd also maybe ask the closer mutual friend if she'd ever said anything as she must have noticed you don't meet as a 3 any more.

I am sorry for your pain though

You can sort this all out by talking to her and telling her she hurt your feelings. The reason you are a ball of stress and upset is because you’re swallowing down your feelings. Give them a voice and you’ll feel immediately better.

Yup I kind of agree - you could ask her if she'd be open to a chat. Or you could try to have it when drunk and the party.
I wonder if you inadvertently offended her or were being too much for her and she didn't have the skills to communicate boundaries to you (that's the only reasons I've ever drifted away from friends in the past) - perhaps you could clear the air that way.
Or just try and see her as a new person you don't know very well. That's how I deal with spending time with my ex/baby's father - I try to separate it from our previous relationship and see him as just some guy that looks after the baby sometimes and that I need to communicate with about the baby and try to think of him as a manny who's personal life isn't my business. It kind of works, and reduces his relevance and importance to me.

It’s a difficult one as I totally understand why you don’t want to see her but there’s not much you can without alienating yourself from the group (which potentially is playing into her hands).

To not want ex friend who dumped me worming her way back into my social life?

The trouble is it’s not just your social life. She was in the gang before and continued to be friends with two people in the group so she has maintained links to the group.

I think I would play it ‘gracious’. Turn up, say a breezy hello to her, and then concentrate on your friends. If anyone asks, be honest and say she ghosted you as a friend but you’ve moved on and whilst you’ll never be friends again, you’re willing to forgive if not forget.

Thanks so much for all your words of wisdom!

Interesting what you said @WildFeathers about triggering something. I possibly am over reacting and I think its cos despite being very sociable I don't have many close friends and I have confided in this girl over the years more than anyone and feel very vulnerable as a result. Which isnt her fault I suppose, you could see it both ways, she has confided in me too. The difference is probably that she is way more confident than me and I feel it has a bit of a power over me now, if that makes sense.

To answer your question @Rogue1001MNer yes I guess she didn't shut the door on it but I was surprised the way she just breezed in without contacting me! I have asked our mutual friend a few times, especially at the beginning when I didn't know what was going on. She shuts up like a clam and says you should ask M. In fact I was convinced M was depressed when she initially disappeared and asked the mutual friend if she knew what was going on and she said oh she is just busy, I was just talking to her yesterday! That was the moment the penny dropped. Since then I have asked twice, listen do you know whats the story with M and she has been very quick to shut it down. I suspect she doesn't want to get involved but I feel she knows something and that drives me crazy. I didn't pursue it again as I was getting increasingly paranoid at that stage and didn't want to lose another.

I'm going to go to the party, and either be cool and polite or get pissed and say something. I won't intentionally confront her even if thats the healthy thing to do, partly cos I don't want to make a fool of myself again, I've done enough of that, and partly cos she is just better than me in that kind of situation. She is really capable and smart and has a great job, plus she literally negotiates / argues for a living so if we got into a difficult discussion she would always have the upper hand.

DH bumped into her a few months back and they chatted for a while. I asked him what did she say about me and he said my name never came up. She didn't even ask about me. That made my blood boil. I just want to stop kind of hating her and be indifferent! We are mid 40s FFS!!! I feel like a school girl again over this.

This is very good advice.

I do understand what you're saying @toadasoda .
I'm sorry.

When's the party? Good luck

^^ This. I have a similar situation - known the woman for 40 Years. She doesn't want to actively stay in touch with me; has shown no real interest in my family or life. But I understand from a mutual friend that she is lonely. Has a good relationship but no real friends. Well to have friends you need to be a friend and she isn't a very good one. So I have followed her lead the last few years. Dropped pretty much all contact. Just move on. Superficially polite.

She is really capable and smart and has a great job, plus she literally negotiates / argues for a living so if we got into a difficult discussion she would always have the upper hand.

If you're considering opening a discussion with her, it might feel better not to go in with the idea that there could be a 'winner' and a 'loser' in the conversation, or even that the issue has to be resolved there and then. If there's a big difference of perspectives, it will actually be better if you both say your piece and then go off separately to think about how you feel about it over a few days or weeks. This drama has already been playing out over months and years so there's no deadline to have this resolved at the party Or Else.

Approach it as an opportunity to just tell her honestly how you felt after she cut off the friendship, but that you'd like to resolve the gap if you could, and also as an opportunity to be open to learning whether you might have done or said something to hurt or upset her that led to her cutting you off.

The way she responds will tell you a lot about how likely it is that the friendship can be salvaged, or even if it's a friendship worth salvaging. If she dismisses/belittles your feelings by saying or implying you're making a drama over nothing/being oversensitive, or disingenuously acts as though she had no possible idea you might have been hurt, it's probably best to just say, "Well, it was very hurtful for me and I feel disappointed you don't see why" and walk away. It doesn't feel great when you're vulnerable in front of someone who obviously doesn't care about or value you, but honestly, that says far more about them than it does about you.

She might also respond with something that is hard for you to hear, like that she felt your friendship had become one-sided and she was always listening to you complain, or that it was suffocating being your only close friend and she couldn't handle it any more. In that case, I wouldn't try to argue that you weren't doing whatever it was, but just thank her for her honesty, say you're sorry that things were so uncomfortable for her and you'd like to take some time to think about what's she's said.

Then go away and try to be really honest with yourself about whether what she has said is valid or not. If it's really not, and you feel she's making excuses/blame-shifting for why she flaked out, then just accept that she isn't the person you thought she was. But it might give you ground to reflect on ways you could change/possibly have changed since the friendship drifted, and provide a starting point to fix things.

Well, i thought I'd post an update on this. I went to the party and it was a great evening. The sun shone and everyone was buzzing. I was greeted by everyone including M with a hug and cheek kiss and I drifted over to a different group once i had a drink in hand. She sought me out, came over to me asking how I'd been and I chatted a bit about kids and work etc, but someone else joined in immediately so we didn't have a one to one. We did end up in the same group discussion later. It was such a lovely night, we had a lot of wine and were talking rubbish and laughing about silly stuff, so thankfully my troubles were forgotten fairly quickly. Its funny how someone you haven't seen in a long time is still so familiar. There was no doubt that she was making an effort, not just with me but everyone else that she had cut out previously .

As ever, M just oozes confidence and decided she wanted to do a girls weekend 'just us girls' which probably would have infuriated me if I hadn't a bottle of wine in me at that point. She was trying to pin me down for dates and locations but I said I didn't think it would work for me and left it at that. She has since set up a new whatapp group to make arrangements and been rounding up everyone trying to confirm dates, this includes the two that she stayed in touch with. Surprisingly two of the others also previously 'dumped' have agreed to go but I am quite happy to miss that. The bloody nerve! While I might allow someone back into the fold as such, they don't get to be queen bee anymore. I know she will be dictating where we go and what we do, it never bothered me much before, its the way she is, but I couldn't stomach it now.

It sounds like you handled it perfectly OP. You were polite and friendly but you have your boundaries in place. If you don't want to go on the weekend but don't want to make a drama, I would just decline with a vague reason along the lines of "sorry can't make it as got a lot on at the moment"

Sounds like a nice evening Op. hopefully that’s broken the back of Thebes feeling and you can move forward with getting used to her being around.

I had similar with a friend and was surpised at how sad I was when our friendship ended.

Agreed, sounds like you handled it perfectly, OP.

Moving forward, it sounds as though you have the measure of her - don’t let yourself get drawn in to close and hurt again. She’s someone to keep at arms length. I think of them as “butterfly friends”. I am like a butterfly - light, funny, charming. If they approach me or join the group I am in, I spend a few minutes there after they join it, being my best self, smiling, laughing or making other smile/laugh. I talk nothing negative (not even joking self depreciation) and altogether am a delightful guest/friend. I also have a ready excuse on my lips to move on within a few minutes - to get another drink, go to the bathroom or something else inoffensive, and I leave with promises to return to that group soon, which I don’t. You’ll be thought of (if she or any others do bother to think) as charming, happy and elusive.

If future plans are being made, again, think butterfly - light, bright, charming and fluttering away. SO sorry you can’t make it, sounds like such fun, have a ball everyone! Be so charming no one else knows there is an issue, but if they don’t think if you, they all regret you not being able to go as you are delightful and a welcome addition to any party.

As a side note, if she is trying to deliberately get close to you and include you, this will annoy her as you are shutting her down, it not in any obvious way she can be annoyed at. But that’s a happy byproduct. You aren’t doing it for that reason, but to preserve your sanity and your ongoing reputation and friends in your group.

Also, above @WildFeathers gave excellent advice.

Love the “butterfly friend” phrase!