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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In laws and baby

26 replies

raindayrain · 29/08/2023 14:55

Looking for some advice!

I recently had a baby. DH and I managed without much help from family as we don’t have any living nearby. I am on mat leave and DH is working full time.

My in laws were really keen to come and help look after baby but I wanted to wait until baby is a bit older and we have a routine established. Now that DC is out of the newborn stage they’ve come and I am really struggling.

MIL/FIL absolutely dotes on DC - they love holding her, playing with her. But DC gets terribly overstimulated, cries and MIL perseveres to settle her but eventually I manage to settle her. She is EBF so it’s hard for anyone to help. MIL has taken over my kitchen (reorganised cupboards etc) and the cooking. I try my best to help too with the cooking/dishes in between looking after DC but find that hard as we have very different habits (hygiene standards, flavours/type of cooking).

MIL/FIL are staying nearby and not with us- DH and I discussed this and felt this was best so to give everyone some breathing space but they don’t return to their accommodation at all during the day; they are with us from sunrise to sunset everyday. This is great when DH is off work so they get to spend lots of quality time together but awkward when DH is at work or working from home. There is a bit of a language barrier too which doesn’t help and I feel like I can’t carry on doing the things I want to do (like read in my room [they often texts me from the living room], take DC away to meet with friends or out on long walks - “why can’t you keep DC at home?” “Why don’t we come with to help you in case DC cries?”)

DC currently sleeps well in her pram and cries when put down for day time naps in her cot. Before they came, I used to take DC out twice so she gets some decent day time sleep. They have offered to take DC out by themselves on a walk in her pram so to give DH and I a break which I know is a lovely thought, but I get very anxious when DH doesn’t accompany them and as DC is still so little/EBF, I want to be there. I also don’t really want to go on walks with my in laws as we already spend so much time together and some time apart is good but they are not too keen on this, and often asks to come. - it’s then really awkward when I say is it okay if I just go alone and makes a run for it. I’ve reduced my daily walks to one short one as they want to be around DC and it is as though I’ve taken her away which was not my intention. AIBU?

There are lots of other small things they’ve said/done which I am just going to ignore and not be overly sensitive about so I won’t go on about them here, but the main thing is just feeling a bit claustrophobic. AIBU to feel this way? I know they have DC and DH’s best interests at heart and I love my family and so want to always treat MIL/FIL with respect, and maintain a positive relationship.

Sorry about the rant. Anyone with similar experiences or any advice please share. Thanks!

OP posts:

Original poster

raindayrain · 29/08/2023 14:57

Just to add that I made it really clear I didn’t need help and that their visit should just be to play and get to know DC as I want DC to have good relationships with their grandparents.

OP posts:

OIiviaa · 29/08/2023 15:46

You sound quite anxious, if they took the baby for a short walk I'm sure they'd be straight back if there was an issue. It's a tricky one as you don't want to be with them but you won't let them take the baby for a short walk. But them being there all day is too much, you need some space.

Hufflepods · 29/08/2023 15:53

Surely things like taking the baby for a walk would be a win for everyone? You get a bit of peace from them, the baby has a nap and they get to push her around for a while.
How old is the baby? It sounds like she is at least a few months from you saying she's no longer a newborn so I do think you're being a bit over the top to make a rule that they can only be with the grandchild while chaperoned by your DH. Would you feel okay with your DH dictating that your relative could only take the baby for a walk if you accompanied every time?

How much longer are they there for?

It is intense when family live further away and therefore visit for longer periods of time.

takealettermsjones · 29/08/2023 15:53

How long are they staying for? Can DH take some leave and run interference?

coconutpie · 29/08/2023 15:57

YANBU. That would be way too intense and I can understand the anxiety of not wanting them to go take your baby for a walk alone - it is fine to not want to be separated from your baby!! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

The problem is that you don't get a break from your PIL at all. You have a DH problem - he needs to tell them to make plans for part of the day so that you get a breather. It is not fair for them to land on you from dawn until dusk while your DH is not even there.

Start making plans - go see your friends, go for your walks, etc. You don't have to include them.

Original poster

raindayrain · 29/08/2023 15:57

Baby is 2 months old and EBF. They are not from this country and do not speak any English so I am a bit anxious of not being there in case they get lost. Maybe once they are familiar with the neighbourhood that wouldn’t be a bad idea.

OP posts:

OIiviaa · 29/08/2023 16:02

You're being OTT sorry.

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 29/08/2023 16:02

How long are they planning to stay and 'help' for as I think that will be important in the advice people offer?

Original poster

raindayrain · 29/08/2023 16:07

OIiviaa · 29/08/2023 16:02

You're being OTT sorry.

Awww no worries, that’s okay 😊

OP posts:

Hollyppp · 29/08/2023 16:07

When are they leaving by? If this is short term or long term there are different answers.

Noorandapples · 29/08/2023 16:08

You aren't being ott, they have made themselves bad guests by smothering you. Sunrise to sunset in your house is ridiculous, if you can't get peace in your own home find somewhere you can. Tell them you're going to a mum's and baby's morning group and spend every morning until midday at a friend's house, the library, the park or even an actual baby group. Midday to sunset is still a lot so don't feel guilty either.

coconutpie · 29/08/2023 16:08

OP, you are most certainly NOT being OTT.

Original poster

raindayrain · 29/08/2023 16:09

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 29/08/2023 16:02

How long are they planning to stay and 'help' for as I think that will be important in the advice people offer?

They initially wanted to stay for as long as possible but we decided a month and made it really clear they were here to visit and enjoy time with DH and DC but not to help (as I honestly don’t need help). They are really lovely people and I would love for them to enjoy their visit, do some touristy things and day trips.

OP posts:

Holly60 · 29/08/2023 16:10

Why don't you pop out to the shops and leave baby at home with PIL?

That way they aren't going out with the baby and you can ask DH to keep an eye if he is wfh, but you also get a break.

How about when you go out for a walk you ask them to do something in the house, like make lunch? That way they are being useful but you can also get out for a walk.

Just explain to them (or get DH to) that you like a bit of down time during the day and your walks are just quiet time for you so prefer no company.

Holly60 · 29/08/2023 16:11

Also get DH to take some annual leave and take them out for the day. That way you get time to yourself and they get time with their son.

MadamWhiteleigh · 29/08/2023 16:14

I’m sure they can walk the baby round the block without getting lost. Even if they do, there are phones and air pods and ways to find them!

I’d let her do the cooking and you can rearrange your cupboards back when she’s gone.

Can you give them some jobs? Laundry, food shop? If they want to be helpful, put them to use!

JoIo · 29/08/2023 16:14

I think you are being ott about not letting them go for a short walk, but them being there all day you are not being ott about that.

DiaNaranja · 29/08/2023 16:21

It's only for a month, so I'd just let them crack on to be honest to keep everyone happy. Let them make some memories with their grandchild who they obviously adore and are going to miss. What sort of problem do you think could arise from them taking baby out for a nap in the pram? I know with your first it's hard to let go, and let others take the lead sometimes, but honestly it will do you all the world of good, to let them do a couple of walks alone with the baby. They will be memories they cherish forever I'm sure. Ultimately it's your baby, your choice, but I think for the sake of a few weeks, I'd let them feel like they're helping and being able to be involved. It's important for your relationship with them going forward to let them feel welcome and "part of the family" during this special time. I know it's hard, I had in-laws from abroad descent on us when dd1 was a matter of days old, and I couldn't wait for them to leave, but I know they look back on that time fondly, being around for some of DDs "firsts", MIL gave DD her first bath, and although I did feel a bit put out, I knew it meant so much to her, and also that I would be doing every bath for the foreseeable future, so I just let her have that one. It brought her so much joy, and I actually embraced having two free hands for half an hour!

Birch101 · 29/08/2023 16:23

How long are they over for?
2months old is still very young and I would be screaming if I was in your position.
If they are only around for 1 more week or so then I'd say just keep going but if this is a long visit I would start joining baby groups, breastfeeding groups etc just so that regularly you are going alone and having some breathing space, it's normal to go to these alone or with a partner maybe and I've seen some people bring a mum every now and then but most halls are small so it's just one parent and baby.
Our local children's centre and health visitor runs a breastfeeding group once a week, you can do wriggle and rhyme free at libraries, sensory play, baby massage, sign language etc. Sign up to swimming depending on age requirements
They'd still see DC on a daily basis but you'd be building the support network you need and getting some space too

Do you have nearby lake/ country park you can all go to and they can take DC for a walk whilst you have a drink/read book. I'd feel more comfortable with that than round my local area

Notsuredontknow · 29/08/2023 16:48

I don’t think you’re being OTT, I would be feeling the same. And I think it’s rude to take over your kitchen and reorganise your cupboard when you’ve made it clear you don’t want/need that (my MiL used to do the same and I had to politely ask her to stop). Two months is still tiny, I think you are right to do whatever you feel most comfortable with and they should respect that. They’re still getting precious time with baby.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/08/2023 17:12

How old is baby and how long are they staying there for?

You really need to get your DH to speak with them

MrsToothyBitch · 29/08/2023 17:37

YANBU. Rearranging my kitchen is a banishable offence in this house!

Cherrysoup · 29/08/2023 17:43

When are they leaving? I think I’d be going nuts with no time on my own. You need to insist on time alone. Get your Dh to tell them to stop demanding to go with you if you’re meeting a friend for a walk. You need breathing space!

LightDrizzle · 29/08/2023 17:58

You will never get these weeks with your newborn back.

I couldn’t tolerate anyone other than my babies’ father around for that kind of period and hours, a difference with the father is you can watch Netflix or read with him around without causing offence or feeling rude.

I think you need to take the baby out as you would were they not there and explain you are going to take the baby for a “nap” in your bedroom if you want a breather in the house.

Ask your husband to explain that you appreciate their help but you need a bit more space and time to yourself with the baby.

You are not OTT, 8 weeks is still tiny.

NoThanksymm · 10/04/2024 18:26

Oie!!!! A month with in laws hovering in your space is A LOT. You are a champ.

Any siblings you can pawn them off on?

otherwise I’d continue my two walks a day. Invite them on one.

and set activities for them at least twice a week while hubby working. Like you said cultural visits, sports. Whatever. Something to get them out of your space. in the nicest way possible of course! It’s just a lot for that long!

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