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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

who is BU here...I need some perspective please

24 replies

Pinky8989 · 29/08/2023 09:46

Hi,
(sorry this is about Christmas, I know it's still August but trying to be organised)
Long story short I have 3 children and broke up with their dad 4 years ago when my youngest was a baby. My Ex now has a newish girlfriend, who I'm going to call A for this thread.
My ex and A do not live close to each other. Neither drive. The trains take around 2.5 hours. Ex has not got his own home and where he lives in not suitable for children (his words not mine). He has the children once a week for around 6 hours and then brings them home. Now the issue is christmas. He 'needs' to spend Christmas with A as otherwise she will be alone. The trains do not run on Christmas day or boxing day.
A will not stay at the place he lives as she doesn't like it there (I do not blame her).
So he is saying he cannot see the kids at all over Christmas. He is working up until the 23rd and is then going to go and stay with A until he has to go back to work on the 28th. He then will be travelling back down to her on NYE so she is not alone and coming back 3 days later. Because of this and how his days off fall he will not be seeing his kids at all for 3 weeks. I'm really upset by this and feel like he is dumping them. He says they need to learn to understand that they are not the only people in his life ( they are 5, 10 and 12). He says I'm being 'an idiot' to be upset over this. This is not the first time he has not seen them because he's gone to see A, he often takes a weeks leave to spend with A. He never sees his children more than once a week. Am I overreacting here? I know I probably am as I get emotional thinking he just ditches them. who is BU?

OP posts:

Icycloud · 29/08/2023 09:52

hes selfish

LadyDanburysHat · 29/08/2023 09:54

He's a selfish twat, but honestly will the kids actually care? He is barely a presence in their lives anyway.

MuggleMe · 29/08/2023 09:54

He's unreasonable for not making time for the children. He could surely travel back on 27 and see them for e.g. but unfortunately you can't force a crap dad to be a good dad. He will hurt his kids' feeling and show himself up for who he is. I'm sorry you're in this position. Can you look at when the closest time to Xmas is and encourage him to do something special and give his presents to them then? Not that you should be doing the running around.

sodthesodoff · 29/08/2023 09:54

He's a Cunt

But your kids will see this. At least they have you.

BeaLola · 29/08/2023 09:58

His loss - he has the opportunity to see them but is prioritising his girlfriend - his choice - at least you will have a lovely time with your children .

minou123 · 29/08/2023 10:02

Fuck my life.

Is he competing in the 'Worlds Shittest Dad' competition? If so, he is winning.

From a practical point of view, unfortunately you can't force him to see his children over Xmas. I'm sure you'll have the best Xmas.

BibbleandSqwauk · 29/08/2023 10:07

Utter utter twat. I'm not a martyr to my kids and will sometimes tell them that their perfect preference won't happen as I'd also like to do / go somewhere else but this is their dad, at Christmas, choosing A over them. Where does he see them usually if his place isn't suitable? The girlfriend is a frigging adult..what has she done on previous Christmas'? I think it's fine if he doesn't see them on the actual 24/5/6th but some point around then is not too much to ask and he will eventually lose the kids' respect and interest in seeing him. The older ones will work it out very quickly that the are not first on his list. Be ready to support them in that. Sorry OP.

OnTheRunWithMannyMontana · 29/08/2023 10:15

What an absolute wanker. Your kids are better off without him!

OhComeOnFFS · 29/08/2023 10:15

How do your children feel about seeing him? He really is a selfish waste of space, isn't he?

gabsdot · 29/08/2023 10:19

That's so sad for your kids. "They need to know they are not the only people in his life". at 5 years old. What a jerk.
I think it is good that you know all this so far in advance so that you can help prepare them.
Make sure he explains why he won't see them. Don't let him leave that awful job up to you. And you and your children have a lovely time with out him.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 29/08/2023 10:21

Yanbu. He’s a selfish knobber who’s prioritising his sex life over his dc. ‘Need to learn to understand that they are not the only people in his life’ my arse. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it so I’d focus on doing what you can to minimise the effects on your dc.

BritAirwaysgirl · 29/08/2023 10:25

OnTheRunWithMannyMontana · 29/08/2023 10:15

What an absolute wanker. Your kids are better off without him!

This

takealettermsjones · 29/08/2023 10:31

How sad that he's choosing a girlfriend over his children. If I was the girlfriend I wouldn't be impressed with that behaviour in a partner either, but I suppose that's neither here nor there

You won't change him. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas with your children and that you rinse the fucker for maintenance oops my hand slipped. 🤭

Unusualplumbing · 29/08/2023 10:36

OnTheRunWithMannyMontana · 29/08/2023 10:15

What an absolute wanker. Your kids are better off without him!

🌟

Missey85 · 29/08/2023 10:36

Your ex is a arsehole his picking a fuck over seeing his kids what a loser ☹️

VeridicalVagabond · 29/08/2023 10:43

Absolute loser. Prioritising a girlfriend over his three children at Christmas is just vile behaviour. I don't understand why women want to be with men like that, how low are "A's" standards?

Crunchymum · 29/08/2023 10:45

What a cunt.

Absolute disgrace for a father.

Your poor kids.

dontgobaconmyheart · 29/08/2023 10:54

He's just a shit dad ultimately, and an absent one. Any which way you look at it he's not worth it and doesn't add a benefit to the children's lives.

The comment that they 'need to learn' he has other people in his life really made me angry for you OP. He's pathetic, you aren't an idiot and the fact he speaks to you that way shows him for who he is, if it wasn't already crystal clear.

I'd just carry on as though he doesn't exist to be honest and focus on your lives with your DC. Make sure you're claiming any and all maintenance owed and honestly you'll be better off just not communicating at all unless strictly necessary.

Proudmum17 · 29/08/2023 10:57

If there's no train on Christmas day or Boxing day does he normally stay at yours for Christmas in previous years? Is it that he doesn't drive or doesn't have a car? Can he hire a car?

itsmylife7 · 29/08/2023 11:00

You're right and he's just a useless sperm done.....he doesn't deserve the title of Dad or Father.

thecatinthetwat · 29/08/2023 11:02

Horrible man.

CharlotteBog · 29/08/2023 11:03

He says they need to learn to understand that they are not the only people in his life

I don't think he needs to worry about this. They will learn very quickly where they sit in their Dad's priority.

YANBU OP and unfortunately it will be you who has to manage the fall out.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 29/08/2023 11:23

He should at least be seeing them one or the other but obviously getting his willy wet is more important.

Are the kids bothered about seeing him? They'll see what he's really like sooner or later.

OhNoForever · 29/08/2023 11:24

Wow what a shit dad. I thought you were going to say he was demanding to take them to hers for all of Xmas. Can't imagine not wanting to see my kids over Xmas!

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