Husband's response to my travel worries

[Quarterofanonion1]

I'm feeling so upset and anxious right now. Basically my husband, son and I are due to fly very early Thurs am. I'm not the best traveller as it is. I get very anxious before holidays and now with all these stories about massive delays and people being stranded abroad due to air traffic failure, I'm feeling very heightened. I expressed my anxieties to my husband and he really belittled me saying it will all be fine and my reaction to everything is always extreme and started spouting all this 'knowledge' he has about flights and that ours will not be cancelled blah blah blah (note, he has no insider knowledge of flights etc.) He basically said that I have an extreme reaction to every little thing but could then not list one real life example of this when asked to. Yes, I am an anxious person and am medicated for this but I cope well day to day (hold down job, can socialise, upbeat and fun in social situations etc.) and do everything for my family. I just feel so nervous today but every time I try to talk about my feelings, I'm made to feel like a selfish idiot for having any worries. Obviously I've expressed none of my anxieties in front of my son, he is none the wiser! So my AIBU is, am I being unreasonable to feel anxious about this week and is my husband's reaction fair? Happy to be told if I'm being an eejit! Just feeling very panicky right now.

Well of course you're not unreasonable and it would be nice if your husband was a but more sympathetic but it can be very draining, especially when you're trying to look forward to a holiday to have someone talking lots about what could go wrong. You do just have to get on with it and see if it works out.

I get it but there’s no point panicking as there’s nothing you can do to change anything, it is what it is.

You’re taking the shine off his holiday excitement, so while you can’t help worrying, you can help by not verbalising it so much.

Not sure op, if someone does tend to react with anxiety a lot it does get to the stage of being fed up and basically down playing it to try to reduce the anxiety and not have to keep dealing with it.

Hi Op,

Anxiety is very difficult to live with for both the sufferer and the partner. My partner has anxiety and I try to support as much as I can, which is a lot. However sometimes it can be a bit draining, constantly having to reassure and be the support, sometimes I would like to be supported too. Perhaps your husband just really needs to look forward to and enjoy his holiday and not worry about it or support you, I mean this in the kindest way. Is there perhaps another way you could manage your anxiety? Perhaps a journal? Hope you have an amazing holiday.

I have a similar scenario to you re travel and my dh response not being sympathetic. I have accepted that although it would be great if he was that supportive, say-the-right-thing partner, he’s not, and ultimately my anxiety is my responsibility. I need to have strategies that don’t require other people. Therapy, medication, mind mapping are all helpful.

I sympathise with you OP because I have anxiety, although not related to flying, and I know how something can just get stuck in your head. I think whether you're BU or not depends on how accurate your assessment of your day to day management of it is, if that makes sense.

If it's true that you manage it well and it really is just this one thing that's stressing you out, then your husband is being an arse and he should cut you some slack and at least try be patient and understanding re. your worries. (As an aside, what is it with men pretending they have all kinds of technical knowledge they don't have??!)

However, despite your saying that you manage it well, your husband says otherwise. If he's right and you do express anxious thoughts about everything, then while you obviously still deserve empathy and kindness, it will be draining for him. If this is the case, you could try to make changes e.g. look up some coping mechanisms and/or CBT techniques, or maybe contact your GP for a med review.

What would other people say about your anxiety, e.g. your mum, friends, colleagues etc?

I don’t think either of you are in the wrong.

You can’t help your anxiety, you are having treatment for it and doing what you can. It helps to verbalise it so I think talking out loud about how you’re feeling is something that can be helpful.

From his side, you’re worrying about nothing and it’s probably draining and a bit irritating to listen to, especially if it’s been years and over several different things.

I think you both need to understand the other’s position and try to show some empathy, both ways.

This, really.

What do you want him to say? I'm not asking that in a nasty way, but genuinely what will help you in these moments? And have you communicated these needs with him? Anxiety is a weird beast and it can be hard to understand for people who haven't suffered it.

I think he's clumsily trying to reassure you. People who don't suffer with anxiety don't really get that saying "it'll be fine, stop worrying" to someone who is anxious is about as useful as saying "just stop being on fire" to someone who is on fire!

My husband is very like this - he's a very logical thinker and a problem solver. So if I'm stressing and anxious about something his go-to is to try and explain to me all the reasons my anxiety is unfounded. Which is kind but doesn't actually help.

For me what I actually want in the moment is for him to just give me a hug, rub my back and help me feel grounded. So I've told him that in those instances, that's what I need from him. So now he resists the urge to explain to me why I'm being stupid and just does that. It helps. Have you told your husband what you actually need from him in those moments where you're expressing your anxiety?

Think about the worst thing that is likely to happen and how you would deal with it. Nobody likes sitting around at the airport but it is hardly life-threatening, you would be safe and sheltered from the elements.

Is there another support service you can call , when you feel in this state is there anyone to discuss, like the Samaritans, a body who you can off load to, so your husband doesn’t need to be your support worker?

I’d also reassess how well you are coping, as you both have very different views on that, anxiety is odd, it can result in a generally anxious behaviour, hence why he didn’t give examples, it can be general comments, actions, behaviours, that stem from the anxiety disorder, and are apparent in a day to day setting to him and others but in your mind translates as coping well, as for you it’s not extreme, Does that make sense?

I do sympathise @Quarterofanonion1 I'd be feeling anxious as well with regards to the news.

But how much conversation does it really need? I think this is what your husband is referring to with He basically said that I have an extreme reaction to every little thing but could then not list one real life example of this when asked to. It's wearing to have to constantly listen to someone fretting about something they and you can do literally nothing about.

Yes, I am an anxious person and am medicated for this but I cope well day to day not saying I don't believe you, but I suspect your view of 'coping well' might be different to your husband's experience.

If something goes wrong, he'll deal with it.

What doesn't help is having to deal with comforting and pacifying you first or if you spiral at the first hint of inconvenience.

I am also on medication for anxiety, but I have a lot of sympathy with your partner here.

When someone is fretting and panicking and anxious about normal and every day things, it does become draining for the people around them. Your DH tried to reassure you by telling you that everything will be fine (which it almost certainly will). You say that you don't overreact to small things, but then you say you get very anxious before holidays - that, to most people, is an overreaction to a small thing. If you didn't have extreme reactions to normal things, you wouldn't be on medication for anxiety.

I understand that you want your DH to be gentle and understanding, but equally, it wouldn't help anyone if he simply validated your fears by nodding along and agreeing with you. He is right that your flight will probably be OK on Thursday and you are highly, highly unlikely to be 'stranded abroad'. And if you are delayed on your way back (which you won't be), it would basically mean an additional night in a hotel, no big deal at all. A bit of a nuisance, nothing more. That isn't belittling you, it's pointing out that your fears are disproportionate.

Obviously your DH should be trying not to be snappy with you etc, but it's hard to be patient when someone is catastrophising around you. As I said at the start of my post - I suffer from anxiety myself, so I know what it's like. But you do have to acknowledge that your anxiety isn't rational and that turning what should be a nice thing (a family holiday) into something huge and stressful, by wanting to run through all the dramatic things that you could go wrong and talking about how anxious it's all making you, has an impact on other people and it's hard sometimes to be patient with someone who makes a positive thing into a negative.