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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my ex for some money towards ds's school fees.

20 replies

avenanap · 01/03/2008 17:10

ds has been at a lovely school for 4 years, he has given me maintenence but it just about covers 20% of what I pay out each month to look after our child. I've been ill and am struggling to pay my ds's fees so I have asked him for some help. Is it unreasonable for me to ask him considering I've been paying for them myself for the past 4 years, it's only a term, I've had to take out a loan to pay last terms, he has very little involvement with our child, I pay for everything else and I get no help whatsoever in raising ds? Is 2k too much to ask? It's his child too right?

OP posts:

VictorianSqualor · 01/03/2008 17:14

Its not too much for you to ask, but he probably sees it as your choice DS is at that school.
Unfortunately how much you pay out is not how maintenance is calculated, especially if you add bills to it like private school fees.
Have you asked him? His response?
Is he normally good if you need help financially wrt your DS?

McDreamy · 01/03/2008 17:15

I think it would depend on whether it was a joint decision to send your DD to a private school.

McDreamy · 01/03/2008 17:16

Sorry DS's school fees

Original poster

avenanap · 01/03/2008 17:17

He emailed and asked how much, I emailed back and have not heard from him yet. ds had serious problems at his state school, there were no others with a place near where we live and I couldn't home ed so I moved him there. He normally gives me a little extra if he can but never as much as this.

OP posts:

edam · 01/03/2008 17:17

Unless there was a big row about sending ds to this school, with your ex saying 'over my dead body' then of course, yes, he should stump up. He should contribute to his son's living expenses. At least 50 per cent of them unless there are good reasons why not.

Original poster

avenanap · 01/03/2008 17:19

I asked him his thoughts on moving ds to the school, he said do what you want. So I did what I thought was best for ds.

OP posts:

conniedescending · 01/03/2008 17:19

I think this depends on whether your ex had any say or input in him going to a private school. If not then I think it is a bit unreasonable to suddenly ask him for 2k for school fees.

More to the point, why on earth are you taking out loans yourself for this????

Original poster

avenanap · 01/03/2008 17:24

Old head teacher offered ds a scholarship before he started to cover the last 2 years at the school. In August before he went back she sold the school, I didn't get her offer in writing, I had to borrow it because I didn't have it. I've found him somewhere else for september but they won't take him if I owe the old school money. I can repay the loan with what I have coming in but they won't let me have any more to cover this term. I'd busted a gut working 2 jobs to send him there over the last 4 years, now I have ME so I'm knackered all the time. it's only for a term. Or two.

OP posts:

nearlybonkers · 01/03/2008 17:27

It's a stop gap answer anyway- taking a loan. It will be difficult but you are going to have to move unless he makes a commitment to help. My parents split up, and for part of my school life I went to a fee paying school, every term I worried that the bill was still, unpaid. I knew it was never paid on time (although Mum tried to hide it), but kids hear. A big part of my school problems and maybe later problems stem from that insecurity. Not all state schools are bad, but don't send DS to the local one if he' known

nearlybonkers · 01/03/2008 17:28

eeewahwoowah · 01/03/2008 17:28

you are not being unreasonable to ask him but be prepared for a negative answer. can he realistically pay the amount you need.

can you afford to keep your ds at the school without any further help from your ex?

rantinghousewife · 01/03/2008 17:30

No I don't think YABU but, unless you have an agreement in writing, it might prove difficult to make him pay the money.

Original poster

avenanap · 01/03/2008 17:33

I don't know if he can. I couldn't afford it without any help. I'm trying to find a job but ds's holidays are so long that it's hard to find one that will give me the time off while the holiday clubs are closed. I can go back to my old job in a month but I've got no childcare as it's shift work.

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alfiesbabe · 01/03/2008 18:23

I agree that if the decision about the school was a joint one, then you should split the cost 50/50. If it was your decision, then tbh I think your ex will quite understandably reply that there's an alternative which won't cost anything!
I also agree with the views expressed on here about loans. My DH currently teaches in a private school and I know there are some parents who take out huge loans to cover the fees which is utter madness. In some cases, I'm sure the bank could pull the plug on it any minute - and then how they going to cope, having to take their kids out part way through. Even if they manage to keep the kids there, it's a lifetime of scrimping to pay back the loans. Sounds like you need to look at the cost to your health and sanity of this sort of pressure.

Kimi · 01/03/2008 18:27

I think he should pay up, Its his son too after all

PrincessPeaHead · 01/03/2008 18:31

is he an exhusband or an expartner?
if an exhusband you could go to court to try and get your maintenance increased and an order for him to contribute to private school fees
obviously it would be better to come to some agreement with him rather than surprise him with an application for such an order, so it sounds to me like you need to sit down with him. try and agree what you need for him. only if he is completely intransigent should you then see if you can get a court order...

colditz · 01/03/2008 18:36

Was he involved with the decision to send him there? Did he say that he was prepared to contribute to private schooling? Because I'm afraid if my ex asked me for 2 grand for our child to go to private school, I'd laugh in his face - however if you arranged this in agreement with him, he of course should pay.

Original poster

avenanap · 01/03/2008 19:04

he's an ex partner, I was lucky enough not to marry him. He's alright though, a crap dad but tries hard. His reply when I told him how much I needed was FU** ME!. I have suggested that as I can not get another loan, he gets it instead to cover the fees until ds moves and he uses the maintenance that he was going to give me to pay off the loan instead. The maintenance is £200 a month, the fees cost me £2k so if he pays the loan instead then I'll be saving £250 a month. I'll then not have to worry and be able to get a job.

I did ask him for his opinion on the school, he said he didn't mind. He's never even been there. I asked him if he wanted me to get him a report or to arrange for him to see ds's teacher but he didn't reply. His agreement was that he pay's me money and I do what I want with it. I asked him about the school though.

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seeker · 01/03/2008 19:11

If you didn't specifically discuss the school fees then I actually think you are BU to expect him to pay them - (and I can't believe I am coming down on the side of a man!)

And anyway - even if he does agree to help can you hold him to that for the rest of ds's school life? I think you would be on a stressful knife edge every term - not a nice place to be.

What was wrong with the state school? Is it sortable?

Original poster

avenanap · 01/03/2008 19:58

Oh, it's only until september. I can move him then. His new school offers financial help and I should be working by then. I don't expect him to fund the rest of his education, that's way too mean.

OP posts:

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