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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partners drinking

18 replies

Anonymous1631 · 28/08/2023 18:31

Me and my partner have been together for 7 years. We have two children aged 6 and 1. My partner has always been a weekend drinker and drinks every Friday (and sometimes Saturday) after work.

He will get home from work on the Friday with 6 beers and sit on the sofa in the living room playing on his PS5 with music on. I’ve spoken to him in the past and asked if he can do it once the kids are in bed, which he said no to as he doesn’t think what he’s doing is a problem. He also won’t eat tea with us as he doesn’t want to cancel out the drink. He doesn’t drink a couple of beers to unwind, he drinks to get drunk and in my opinion it’s excessive.

it seems as though he uses alcohol as a coping mechanism of some sort. Even if we are going for a basic meal out with family he will drink a couple of cans beforehand. Most recently we were invited to a child’s birthday party at a function room, from his side of the family (who are all massive drinkers too). Again, he had 2 cans before we left and despite promising to only have a couple of beers when he was there he ended up getting drunk to the point where he told me he was going out and carrying on the party. This is a very common occurrence when we go to events with our children.

we have two completely different lifestyles. I will have a couple of drinks on a special occasion but I don’t drink in the house. He’s not necessarily a “bad” drunk, but he is very argumentative and it always causes huge arguments. He tends to call me horrible names or insult me and then blame it on the fact that I’m in a bad mood with him because of his drinking. I just feel like I’m fighting a loosing battle.

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 28/08/2023 18:34

You are. End it.

Conkersinautumn · 28/08/2023 18:37

He prioritises a kick from alcohol over his family and his responsibilities. In my experience nothing will change that, no amount of AA etc. They always always always will drink and go back to the drink there's no such thing as a recovered alcoholic just one who has maintained the facade of normal human behaviour for a while. The booze is him, that's his true self. He prefers that, seeks that out

Zanatdy · 28/08/2023 19:00

6 beers isn’t a huge amount but the fact he sits there in front of the kids doing it is sad, and drinking before parties is what I did when I was in my late teens

BeMoreBarbie · 28/08/2023 20:15

A few issues here but I think you have differing views.

6 beers is not bad. Sounds like he wants to relax after a heavy week and destress. That's fine if you get to destress too on the same cadence, the kids don't have to see their dad checking out of family life and you have quality time together and as a family. Is the latter part true or are you finding yourself as the one who puts in all the family effort?

BeMoreBarbie · 28/08/2023 20:17

Sorry, I appear to have scrolled down and missed half of the OP 🤦🏼‍♀️

He is a bad drunk. He's name calling, insulting you and blaming you. That's the definition of a bad drunk. Do you have means to leave?

NeelyOHara1 · 28/08/2023 20:24

Not helpful, but the more I read posts on Mumsnet the more I wonder how many men, left to their own devices, are willing to rise to the challenges of parenthood without the old fashioned ties that bind of previous generations?

Crunchymum · 28/08/2023 20:38

You are fighting a losing battle.

He has prioritised drink for the entirety of your relationship and hasn't changed his ways for his DC.

Do yourself a favour and get rid of him.

Original poster

Anonymous1631 · 28/08/2023 20:59

He is a good Dad, I can’t fault him on that. We do spend time together as a family and often get out to parks etc. Although half of the time, the day after he’s been drinking is never great because of the arguing.

I have been getting to the point where I have been refusing to drop it the next day, because I want him to understand what he’s doing. More often than not I get slammed with “all you want to do is argue, you love it” and he shuts off the conversation and says I’m controlling him.

I actually thought a lot of people were going to tell me that I’m overreacting, so I’m surprised a lot of people are telling me to leave. I am strongly considering separating as I don’t ever see him changing. It is just very difficult as he doesn’t have anywhere to go if I tell him to leave.

OP posts:

NeelyOHara1 · 28/08/2023 21:09

Does he realise that he is only able to drink as he does because you are holding everything together and that things would fall apart if he was left in charge?

GrazingSheep · 28/08/2023 21:11

He is a good Dad,

He isn’t. Stop deluding yourself.

DustyLee123 · 29/08/2023 07:32

He is the controlling one, he shuts you down.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 29/08/2023 07:42

I am strongly considering separating as I don’t ever see him changing. It is just very difficult as he doesn’t have anywhere to go if I tell him to leave.

That's his problem.

You can't fault him as a dad, even though he comes home and sits drinking and playing on a console while your children are there, refusing to eat with you and them, and he spoils family time because he's been drinking the night before?

cushioncovers · 29/08/2023 08:03

Op stop settling for the bare minimum and raise your expectations. Get rid of him he is neither a good partner or parent.

Thepeopleversuswork · 29/08/2023 08:08

Can you not see that the first sentence of this paragraph is directly contradicted by the second?

He is not a good dad. He's an alcoholic. Needing to drink two cans of beer to get ready to go out is a pretty serious alcoholic too.

You have two choices. You can tolerate this shit and watch your kids growing up normalised around the idea that alcohol is everywhere in your life.

Or you can take control and leave or kick him out and not have it.

I'm afraid there is no middle way with drinkers. They will not stop voluntarily unless they think they are at risk of losing anything. The primary relationship is with booze and its a long, hard road to get past this.

Personally I would cut my losses now and bring up my kids outside of this horrible environment.

WhataPlaice · 29/08/2023 08:16

How would you define a bad drunk ? What behaviours would you expect to see? How long before his behaviour progresses to your definition of bad ? What are you willing to put up with? What are you willing to let your children witness? How much misery are you going to allow into your children's life ? It's not good, it will get worse, make your choice.

Georgie743 · 29/08/2023 08:18

That's not a good dad. Not at all.
You have one life. Leave this man and move on.

TicTac80 · 29/08/2023 08:18

That sounds like an awful way for you and the kids to live. Don’t be like me, trying everything to get him to change. I should have ended things years before I did. He won’t change/stop drinking unless he wants to, and all the begging, cajoling, pleading etc from you won’t change that. He doesn’t care, and he doesn’t want to stop. He prefers drink, and he prioritises that over your thoughts/feelings. You might give him an ultimatum, and he might stick to it for a while, but then he may start to hide his drinking. Then the lies and gaslighting start. Ask me how I know that one.

you do what is right for you and the kids. Get your ducks in a row. I will say though that him not having anywhere to go is not your problem or concern.

PS 4yrs on and XH is still drinking. It killed our marriage and he says it’s apparently one of his biggest regrets, yet he is still drinking. A lot. All the help in the world means nothing as he will not properly engage (because he doesn’t want to). He was meant to see the kids yesterday but messaged me overnight Sunday to tell me he’d been drinking and wouldn’t see them. And FWIW, he used to be abusive too when drunk, to the point where I now still get very scared when I see drunk people or smell alcohol on people.

BMW6 · 29/08/2023 08:19

Your husband is an alcoholic.

His love for drink is paramount.

He is certainly NOT a good father - if he was then drink would be a low priority and his kids top.

Your children are more likely to be alcoholics themselves the longer they are exposed to his alcoholism - after all, he's a "good dad" and look how much he drinks! So he's perfectly normal and a great role model isn't he? He must be - you're still with him.

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