To think my main responsibility should be my kids

[Moreorlessmentallystable]

Long sorry but I am feeling conflicted about a family situation. My mum has a condition that requires constant medical attention. We believe she has had this since her early 30's but didn't get diagnosed til her mid 40's when I took her to get private care. Growing up my mum was a stay home mum and my dad had a low paid job, so we had only the basics, had to make do with what we were given, and never went on holiday until I was an adult and could pay for it, any I'll esses were treated in the public service, my parents didn't pay for my graduation party and since I finished uni, I never had a penny from them, instead I supported my parents with little things when visiting them like filling their fridge and pantry, giving money for appliances when they broke etc. I also supported my brother through uni for 4 years ( public uni has low fees but I paid for them), had him living in my home and paid for food and household expenses. He paid for his own expenses like books, transport etc by doing little jobs, and I sometimes had to top up but not often. I ended up moving countries and I visited my family once or twice every 2 years. Always had to stay with family but still paid for food and outings etc. These trips have cost my husband and I over £20k over the years. When my dad passed away my mum had to relocate near my siblings she didn't have enough money from her previous house sale so I had to send some money ,not much, think £2k. My family has never visited in the UK and I have not been since lockdown. As my mum has a medical condition and only has a small pension, my siblings take turns looking after her and managing her meds, we also hired a person to look after her 8 hours a day, which we split between the siblings so I send that money over monthly. My mum recently required a big treatment that cost over £10k , she could have had it in the national service but it was a wait of 45 days and she was in pain, so would have been hospitalised to manage her pain meds, and my siblings didn't have the time to stay with her there for 45 days (their words) so they decided to take her to get private medical attention. Now my siblings are not happy that A. I have not sent extra money for that medical expense, and B.that I have not been to visit in so many years. We, as a family are not struggling but always have lived below our means- not going out often, no fancy holidays, no expensive clothing or phones but we have pumped most of our incline in our house (which I would accept is above average for people out age) so this can make it look that we are "well off" but the reality is both my husband and are on average UK wages. I pay into my private pension, and most likely will not get a estate pension as I started my working life in the UK late. I want to save and hopefully my kids won't be in a position where they will have to support me, but I can't do so if I have to support my family back home constantly. I have been feeling down about this and guilty for feeling this way too. So AIBU?

I think I would be disappointed you hadn’t visited if I were your sibling.
you talk about money but what was your childhood like in terms of other support?

Your kids should absolutely be your priority. It sounds you have tried your best in lots of ways for your family but it all feels a bit one way.

Id just say you don’t have money or time at the moment and repeat whenever subject comes up. Col, children so expensive etc.

In terms of other support my childhood was a typical 80's kid childhood , parents not overly involved, we entertained ourselves, not a lot of quality time together. We still "got the belt" on occasion, somehow I still wouldn't classed then as abusive. I guess it was just OK.

I have visited but not in the last 4 years, they have never visited me.

My siblings have no kids btw. And as I said I stills end a monthly support to pay the nurse for my mum. One of my siblings is still living at my mum's house so he has no mortgage or rent expenses.

YANBU at all.
As you say, none of them have visited you in the last few years either.

I think you need to stop letting them make you feel guilty about this. You live far away, you send money, you have kids and need to prioritise them.

It is what it is. Accept that and let the weight of expectations of others go. I’ve known women in real life who’ve spread themselves so thin trying to do stuff for others and it doesn’t go well. They get burnt out, care needs increase, pressure at home increases as all the stuff that went on the back burner needs attention. It never seems to be enough for anyone.

Im sure if you searched on here there would be hundreds of threads similar.

Thanks to the people that took the time to reply. I normally don't get very many answers but ai was hoping to see other points of view.

It is hard if you have family in different countries.

I think you are saying you still give regular financial support to your mother, but the family in the country she lives in are asking for more, but also complaining you haven't been over for 4 years. You are also concerned that you don't want your children to end up supporting you in your old age and you are not sure what State Pension you might get.

I think you are being very reasonable with everything you are doing to date. Air travel isn't cheap, plus we had COVID for some of that 4 years.

You could point out that you have a mortgage to pay and that the cost of living here has risen considerably over the last 18 months or so, including energy bills, so you can either continue to offer regular financial support to your mum as you have been, OR you can pay for your family to visit, but unfortunately you can't do both.

Family issues aside, do look into top up options for your state pension - or top up company pension contributions, some employers match additional contributions.

Voluntary National Insurance: How and when to pay - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)

Just say you can’t afford four return flights (you, DH and your children), but they are welcome to visit you. Just keep repeating that every time it comes up.

I’m going to say that if you moved away it’s incumbent on you to visit and budget accordingly. It’s not a reciprocal obligation on your family to visit you in a random place.

other than that I think yanbu. Presumably you told your sibs you couldn’t pay for private treatment? It IS hard if you’re the son or daughter living close by and doing the heavy lifting (I say that as the one who moved away) - but such is life I suppose. Obviously if you can afford if you should contribute.

Thanks. I do pay into a private pension via my employer (salary sacrifice) but I will look into voluntarily contributions to hopefully qualify for a estate pension too.

Yes I believe this is what they think, because I moved away I should be the one visiting ( and I had up to before COVID) but unfortunately airfare has more than doubled in 10 years and my salary has not, not to mention now we are family and not just a couple flying.