To feel so angry and upset because DS saw his dad?

[PixieAndProsecco]

I know from the title that I probably am being unreasonable but I'll explain myself anyway.

In December 2020 my DS, then 10, decided he didn't want to see his dad again.
His dad lied to him through lockdown, asked DS to lie for him etc and my DS had had enough. This was the straw that broke the camels back, in short.

Throughout his life ex has been incredibly inconsistent in DS's life.

From that moment, until now, ex has continued to tell anyone he could that I withheld contact. Ex has not reached out in well over a year. Ex has blocked all forms of communication. Ex is no longer paying any form of child maintenance. However my DS still saw his gran and uncle (ex's mum and brother) frequently during this period.

The uncle is now getting married and my DS decided to be the bigger person and tell hims family he wanted to see his dad again. That happened today and DS has come home, said everything was fine and Dad said "sorry" so that was that.

I am so angry that a half arsed sorry is given and that's it.
For almost 3 years we've dealt with the ramifications of his decision - counsellors at school, acting out, horrific behaviour, chasing CMS constantly and finally just giving up and so on. Yet his dad says sorry once and they're friends again.

I know his dad is a Disney dad. I also know it won't last.

I am so angry that this false sense of security is here. I am angry because I know that I'll be the one picking up the pieces again. I am angry because for three years (plus many more before that) i raised my son without any financial help from his dad but that doesn't matter. I am angry because I know his behaviour will change, dad gives him everything and has no boundaries so why would he behave here.

I am angry that, three years ago, his dad said he would keep every birthday and Christmas card or present until he saw him again. That didn't happen. They don't exist. It's another lie and it's not even been 24 hours.

I am angry that dad hasn't changed. I messaged him, after he unblocked me on social media, to say DS was coming over and that having a way to reach ex (so unblocking me) would be good as DS doesnt always charge his phone (and ita currently broken). He read the message, didn't respond and has now blocked me again.

I just feel so angry that this arsehole is back because I know the issues will start.
I am angry at everything we've been through.
I am angry that he hasn't changed.
I am upset thinking about the hurt my son is going to experience soon.
I am upset wondering if my son will leave me because living somewhere with no rules is better than somewhere with them, especially for a teenager.

I genuinely don't know how to get over these feelings or how to deal with them.

I also don't know if I have any right to feel this way.
So aibu to feel the way I do?

It’s normal for children to want a relationship with their parents however “rubbish” they may be.

I know it's normal. For the past, almost, 3 years I have still asked him if he's wanted to see his dad.

First EOW as that was the schedule, then maybe every month. This year its probably been a handful of times.

I never forced him to see his dad and I never stopped it. I went with his decision.

It's the overwhelming anger and sadness I feel right now that I don't quote know what to do with.

I absolutely understand, OP. I went through this same situation with my DC - their father even took us all to court (kids too!) because he didn't want to pay child support (and worse behaviour) which caused them years of anguish and behavioural issues. My DS refuses to have anything to do with his father but the piece of scum has wormed his way back in DD's life and it enrages me. Yet there's nothing I can do.

OP your feelings are absolutely valid, youve been through the ringer with your ex and have picked up the pieces constantly.

I'm not sure you can do anything about it though, other than be there for your son when it all falls apart again. I'd also consider therapy for you to work through these complex traumatic feelings.

It's shit. It's properly shit, I know.

From the other side I have still been putting myself through it with my own dad up until last year (I'm 39!) .

Support, be there for the love and the hugs every time he lets him down (which he inevitably will) but you can't stop DS from trying to have a relationship with him.

I look back and can't even imagine how hard it must have been for my mum watching a us getting let down over and over again so you have all my sympathies.

Thanks all.

I just know it's either going to end up with my DS crushed or with him gone, and I am heartbroken at that thought.

I am also angry with DS, at being as blasé as "he said sorry it's fine". DS doesn't know everything, however he has asked questions before. For example on time he heard talk of child maintenance and asked what it was. I explained that it was when a parent, who didn't live with their child, still paid for things as they legally should. He asked if his dad did and I just told him we weren't talking about it. He kept going and going until I did eventually say "no, your dad doesn't," and that was it. He then asked if I paid for everything for him and I said yes before moving on with another subject.

Ex also made comments about not accepting DS if he ever came out as gay (I'm talking years ago, when DS was still a toddler). DS has told me he likes boys. He wears pink, shops in the girls section, has hair tools and make up. Regardless of how his dad feels now I cannot get over what he said then. Those feelings don't go away and I could never imagine not loving my child the way he is because of who he is.

I probably do need therapy. However I can't bloody afford it because I'm picking up all the financial slack.
The irony.