If we both have depression can we survive?

[Whatintheworldgirl]

This may be a lengthy one so I apologise.

TW: discussion of mental health, end of life and baby loss. (I'm so sorry)

I've been in and out of hospital for the last two years with various health issues. I was in an incredibly abusive relationship during lockdown and it caused me to become quite unwell, by not eating and growing anxiety. I thought I had it under control and my family and DD's had no idea i was battling at that time until in early 2021, this was when I was taken into hospital with an ectopic pregnancy from a new man I was dating. Everything mentally just came crashing down and my not eating caused many issues due to dehydration and malnutrition. I was also diagnosed with fibromyalgia (chronic pain) I was placed on feeding tubes and many anti depressants as well as diazepam which scared the life out of me. I've never drank or done any type of drugs so the idea of taking a medication that could be addictive freaked me out.

Anyway, I've been fighting this mental health battle on my own. That's just how I am. I feel like a huge burden and I feel like everyone would be better off without me on a daily basis. The only peace I get is when I finally fall asleep but even now on my new anti depressants I get vivid awful nightmares. I tend to be able to 'fake' happiness a lot. Especially with my partner (the man I was newly dating in 2021 and who experienced the ectopic pregnancy with me). I put this 'mask' on and continue to try and appear bubbly and upbeat when on inside I'm just becoming more and more exhausted. Waiting for everyone to fall asleep so I can just cry and cry.

Recently my partner has been having a bad time at work and has developed a lot of anxiety. He's been put on beta blockers and has just started anti depressants himself which he mixes with atleast 10 cans of beer every night (no matter how much I tell him he shouldn't mix) When he wakes up through the night in a panic he calls me to soothe him. If we are out and he feels panicked I will sit with him and do everything i can to calm him. He speaks every evening about how he doesn't want to be alive anymore. The worst part is, I'm having to convince someone that life is worth living when I'm having this own struggle myself. I've been working so hard on my own mental health, trying to stick to these meds even know the side effects are awful. I'm waiting for talking therapies and trying to just keep going and having someone in front of me who is struggling so much is really pushing me backwards. I am so damn selfish having this perspective. I know I am and I'm so sorry.

I want to help him. I want to build him up and make him strong again but it's truly destroying any bit of progress I have been trying to make 😭

What do I do? Am I a vile evil human being? Does any of my feelings actually make any sense or am I just a selfish person. Can two people who are going through trauma at the same time survive?

I say this kindly but he’s not right for you. You need to be on your own to heal properly and he’s got way too much going on. If he is drinking that much and won’t stop (and I say this as an alcoholic 13 years clean myself) you don’t want him in your life. Honestly. Cut him out, focus on yourself. If he really is the right person for you he will sort himself out and come back clean.

I really appreciate your message. Thank you for being so open and honest and you're so amazing for your sobriety!

Isn't it cruel of me to leave someone in their time of need? What if I'm the final nail in the coffin so to speak? I don't want to make things worse but I just don't know how to make things better. I just don't feel like I'm strong enough

It’s very difficult but ultimately you aren’t responsible for someone else’s happiness. It’s a hard lesson but something we all need to learn. You haven’t been together very long in the grand scheme of things. I know it’s hard but he’s survived this far and I think he will continue to survive. You sound like you have dds who need you? Think of them and focus on yourself; you owe yourself better.

OP, I’m going to try and put this as kindly as I can.

You started dating this man almost immediately after you emerged from an abusive relationship in 2020, that left you severely mentally ill. You then immediately got pregnant and suffered the awful trauma of ectopic pregnancy, and your boyfriend is a self-destructive, needy and emotionally draining alcoholic.

You are not in any state right now to be in a relationship with anyone, and especially not a man who is drinking 10 cans a night on beta blockers and constantly demanding support from you. You jumped from one harmful relationship to another and you are surrounding yourself with trauma and chaos and it is harming you.

You are not responsible for this man - you haven’t even been seeing him for very long - and for your own sake you need to be on your own to focus on your own mental health, and your own boundaries. Please start taking control of your life and leave your partner, and don’t start any new relationship until you’ve dealt with your own mental struggles. You are extremely vulnerable and you need to be your own top priority.

@10HailMarys you are one thousand percentage right about me. I appreciate your honesty. I needed to hear that. I wasn't ready, I've spent my life trying to keep moving forward when in reality I needed that moment to stand still and heal not jump into a relationship with someone else. Thank you. I'm still stuck with how to progress here. I don't want to be a bad person and push someone while they are down. All I do know is, I can help him and myself at the same time