Sons girlfriend is worried he may be having a breakdown (mentioning abuse)

[neleh68]

Hello, haven't posted before but lurked for a while, looking for some advice.

My son is 26, he just started his FY2 as a doctor in London. He has been with his girlfriend for 2 years, she is about to start her second year training contract (or something like this) at a big law firm. They don't live together but are generally very close.
Usually he will call me once a week, maybe just a 5 minute one to say hi on a break or while he makes dinner. He's a very loving son. I now haven't had a phone call in 3 weeks. He's a doctor, life is busy so I've messaged got short replies and tried not to worry.
It was his girlfriends birthday yesterday, I had sent a card and gift to my son's to give to her, he confirmed 2 weeks ago he had got it. She never messaged to say thank you or similar so I messaged asking if she had got it (Maybe my son had put it in a cupboard and forgotten or something). She replied asking to call and in the call told me that she hasn't seen him in 3 weeks or spoken to him at all in 2. She has had confirmation from friends that he is okay.
They had an argument (to be expected they are both doing demanding training), he screamed at her and pushed her against a wall. He was drunk, but did it with force leaving bruises and when he left he pushed her to the side causing her to fall into a table. She reached out several times, but his return messages were out of character, she sent me a screenshot where he was being very cruel. I am devastated never ever did I think I had raised a man who would think it okay to do that.
She has checked with his work friends who claim he is showing up to work but wants nothing to do with her right now. She has told me that she thinks he has been depressed for a little while, refuses to accept it though. He has cheated on her more than once, and thinks a lot of it comes down to him working a lot of weekends and her doing long week day hours.
I tried to call him a few times, first reply was I'm busy, so I asked if he was at work, he said no. I called a few more times (very very worried) and he told me to "f* off and leave him be" this is extremely out of character. His girlfriend gave me the number of two of his housemates, they told me he hasn't been home since Friday night, it would be unusual for him to not work at all over the weekend so this is worrying. His girlfriend checked with one of his work friends who said he was at work on Friday, nightshift. Isn't due in again until tomorrow morning, he said he will let his girflriend?ex? know if he shows.
I'm now terrified, she has tried everyone he could be with that she knows of.

Would it be excessive to call the police? I've told him over a message if he doesn't contact me, his girlfriend? or go home so his housemates can let us know he is safe I will contact the police, he hasn't replied and this was an hour ago (but the two ticks are blue on whatssapp).

Should I call the police? wait and see if he shows at work tomorrow? I can't sleep for nerves!!

I can understand the worry. Are his housemates friends? Maybe they can reach him and get back to you. Is he nearby? Maybe worth dropping in tomorrow? I know he is 26 and an adult etc but the FY years are gruelling and unforgiving and if he is behaving out of character, he may not realise he is on a downward spiral .

If you want to call the police, do so as they can do a welfare check but it doesn't sound like he is actually missing? Or did I misunderstand that?

Just read back. If no one has seen him for 24 hours then yes call the police. Just before that it may be worth calling the hospital he works at and ask to speak to the head of his department to see if you can locate him . There will be someone in charge of the department, even at the weekend.

I guess it depends on the definition of missing, missing as in no one knows where he is? yes. Missing as in uncontactable? no, he is replying to at least some of my messages and showing to work so far.
I'm not close by, I live in Yorkshire so I could drive down but wouldn't be quick.
I'm just worried he is out somewhere unsafe, though my younger son has said he is probably just with a girl.

I would personally wait to hear if he shows at work tomorrow. If he's already so stressed he's nearly at breaking point, the last thing he will want is a visit from police putting more pressure on him. As long as he is still working you know he's OK in the very short term.

i don’t think police will be interested he is a 2)6 year old adult who has hit his gf

Less about the hitting his girlfriend and more about not being seen since he left work yesterday morning and acting extremely out of character. Not that it makes him being abusive towards her okay as it absolutely doesn't. But also shows he has been acting out of character for several weeks.

Do call the police. You are concerned for his well being so do call for help. His ex gf has been so helpful and understanding despite his violence to her. I hope that you’ll get reassurance asap.

Goodness how insensitive! Maybe try 101 OP to put in an initial report, they can keep an eye in the local area. It sounds like he's having a problem with alcohol, he may be out drinking?

Good idea, should I do it now or in the morning?

I would do it now but of course it's up to you, I have alcoholism in my family and I know how terrifying it is when someone goes off 💐

He could have met someone new and be staying with them and was horrible to gf to push her away.
Don't assume the worst, txt him and ask how he is and say you're worried.

I understand your concern and I think you're right to think his MH isn't great atm but maybe this is his way of dealing with things. What can you do? I'd guess he has a lot on with work and a busy head. He doesn't have space for a demanding girlfriend and an interfering mum. Of course I'm not saying either of you are those things but I've been in this situation before where I just wished people would leave me alone. I'm stressed and I don't need the additional responsibility of other peoples expectations. I know its not fair to be mean to people so I drop them. I guess ultimately if I cared enough I wouldn't do this but the need for space is so over powering I'm prepared to lose everybody.
If you're worried he'll take his life I don't think he will. He might have what you would view a break down, but he'll be OK. He'll be tired hungry and scruffy but he'll be fine. If you push too much he may well cut you out. In your situation I wouldn't call the police but just ask him to message you that he's OK and to let you know if he needs you.

I would probably wait to see if he shows tomorrow at work tbh. I agree with pp that it might push him further away having the police show up. However, I would probably go down and see hom in the next few days and have a talk to him about how he is and his out of character behaviour. I would be so worried OP but I don't think the police will help right now.

That does sound really worrying. I hope his girlfriend ends the relationship. That sounds very unhealthy for her. She sounds lovely actually, that she is so worried about him even though he has hurt her.

He drinks too much, and he's been unfaithful before so I would assume for now that he is with someone else. It must be incredibly worrying for you and I hope everything is okay with him.