To speak to my grown mother about her debts?

[Simpope]

Would I be unreasonable to speak to my mother about her debts.

Growing up, my parents both had good middle class jobs. But we lived in an OK house. Everything was cheap (asda) and M&S clothes. Whereas my parents salaries should have afforded a much more comfortable existence. Compared to many, we lived comfortably. But it is only having grown up I realise that there must have been something eating up their income. It has made me very money hungry as others with parents who had similar jobs got to go on long haul holidays or lived in bigger houses, had new clothes etc.

Fast forward to present, and it turns out that my mum has debts. She has always had debts, despite family members paying them off for her several times. I know my dad paid off £20k worth of credit card debt a few years ago.

Having hose sat for them for a few weeks (whilst they were in Fiji…) lots of letters came from debt collection companies (could see senders address). So it appears that she is in debt again. This is so frustrating. She is careless with money in the sense that she’d not be bothered by incurring a £100 fine for late payment of a bill.

It’s somewhat ironic that I’m in finance.. and work for one of the banks she owes money to…

AIBU to want to sit down a 60 year old woman to talk to her about her debts and how to sort herself out?

House*

Well where is the money going? What does she spend it on? It sounds like she doesn’t live an extravagant lifestyle so where has the debt come from?

What do you think she's spending the money on? Is it just being frittered away?

Better that you have a conversation than your mum has a visit from bailiffs.

First thought as to the level of spending was some form of addiction (gambling?), hopefully not the case.

I don’t think it’s any of your business!

Sadly I thought the same.

If she wants your help she will ask for it?
You can’t help people who don’t want it.
You can sit her down and talk at her about her money, but you can’t stop her walking into a shop and flashing the plastic.

You can offer, but don’t push it. By forcing the issue you will make her feel judged, it won’t change her behaviour, and she will be less likely to come to you in future when she is ready to change.

I don't think it will make any difference so I went with YABU.

What I would worry about was her being left a widow with assets who would then run through the money and expect help. I'd probably let her know that was never happening now.

If this was the other way around, I think most adults would be highly offended if a parent lectured them about their debts. So it would be equally unfair for an adult child to raise this with a parent. The fact that someone has even studied the addresses on the backs of envelopes is pretty bizarre tbh. This is the mother's problem to resolve (or not), and nobody else's business.

My BIL was a millionaire in cash, but shopped at M&S for clothes, I'm a bit gobsmacked by your childhood tale of woe. However, seeing as it's your job, you could ask her if she wants any help. What's your Dad's pension/investments like? Who paid or wanted Fiji?

Did you miss the part about her being on holiday in Fiji? That won't have been cheap, especially if they flew first class and stayed in luxury hotels, potentially £10k+.

Persistent debt is expensive, as it attracts interest. Plus late payment charges/collection fees. All money gone on absolutely nothing. Plus she might be financially reckless in other ways - parking fines, not shopping around for insurance/pay TV, wasting food, etc etc. All can take a lot of money with little to show for it.

But it sounds like she's been like this for decades so it will be very hard for her to change unless she hits rock bottom, eg at risk of losing her home, which could be a possibility if they've remortgaged and now interest rates have risen.....

OP you could try talking to her and see if she will accept advice and hand holding with sorting out the situation. If they're wanting to retire, that could be the crunch point as their reduced income might not cover their commitments. But it could very well be a 'you can take a horse to water...'situation especially if paying back debts means living a pared back lifestyle.

I understand why you want to do it. But this has clearly been an issue with your Mum for her entire life, so I really think that you will be wasting your time. She is 60 years old, and unlikely to change now.

If someone I was close to was receiving letters from debt collection agencies then I would be worried about them. I'd want to talk to them, ask if they were OK, and given them a chance to talk if they want to. That's not the same as sitting them down for an unsolicited lecture about responsible finances ( though it may turn into giving them some advice if wanted).

(I'm also struggling to get past your description of M&S clothes as being too "cheap" for people with good middle class jobs 😂)

One thing that you must not do is give her any money no matter what sob story she tells you (it will come in the form of 'need money for food/electricity' because she will expect you to overlook the fact that she spent her food and electricity money on holidays to Fiji) as it's very likely it will just go into a black hole and enable her overspending, not solve the issue.

Also, clothes from M&S are still new clothes and are not exactly cheap!

I was thinking this, m and s clothes aren’t cheap!

You could try but I doubt it would make a difference as she’s not going to change her ways at the age of 60.

This is none of your business. Would be different if she was badgering you for money or you’ve lent her some but if she’s doing it all her own and is happy to live like this then it’s completely her choice and you should keep your opinions to yourself.

And M and S for clothes etc isn’t cheap at all….!

You don't know that's what the letters could be. She might be paying them off

I regularly get unwanted monthly letters of the statement balance from each company because I have auto payments set up to pay debt off

The childhood tale is amusing. She is an adult and can make her own decisions, good or bad.

You can offer to help with budgeting - but if she has been like this for years, sounds like an uphill slog that may not help - and could damage your relationship. You could introduce it as help with retirement planning?

As for what her money goes on - holidays in Fiji aren't cheap - and even if it were somewhere nearer/closer, concerning that she'd prioritise a holiday if she is in debt.

I don't really think it's your place. I appreciate that you are fustrated as she is careless( which incurs more debt) and lives beyond her means but this is an ongoing problem. I bet she has promised all the people who have helped her out previously that she will keep things under control now she has had a "fresh start" and failed to keep her word. Just don't lend her money if she ever asks.

Most sane folk would only have to go into debt once to learn that they would never want to go there again, by choice.
Sadly, OP, your Mum doesn't care.
If she did, she'd stop doing it.

I understand why you want to but it will make no difference.

I think she will take it badly and it will cause a row. This is based on your use of language ‘grown mother’, (of course she is, she is your mother) ‘sixty year-old woman’. It’s not really your business.