Am I too sensitive or is husband emotionally abusive?

[Frazzled11]

Struggling with husbands behaviour, he says I’m too sensitive. Apologies for long post!

Married 10 years and together for 15. He has always had mood swings, we’ve often talked about how difficult I find these and how his moods surround him and suck any joy out of the day. Each time he promises to change, but I’m beginning to wonder if this is verging on emotional abuse.

This post has been prompted because we are currently on holiday and today he has stormed around the supermarket because he couldn’t find what he wanted and later on got angry / dismissed me when I asked a question while he was sorting an issue with the hire car. I have calmly pointed out his behaviour and how it affects me and asked him to treat me with kindness and respect. He has now not spoken to me for around 6 hours.

The behaviour I am particularly worried about includes; being moody when I don’t anticipate what he needs or wants although he doesn’t tell me what this is; holding things against me I have said months or years ago (likes / dislikes/ stuff from rows); telling me I’m being oversensitive when he is angry/ stomping around/ silently stewing. He often tells me that I’m doing things wrong (e.g cooking, driving) and then tells me how I should be doing things.

I’ve been going through a bit of difficult time recently so I am more sensitive than usual, but one comment that has really stuck with me was when I said I was thinking about some counselling and he replied ‘as long as you don’t start feeling so much better that you leave me’.

There is more but having said all this he can also be very supportive, kind and caring. He has his own issues but when I’ve suggested counselling (for him or as a couple) he refuses.

I just don’t know any more if this is normal marriage ups and downs or something more and it would be good to know what others think!

Sounds like you are walking on eggshells. He needs the counselling not you!

Doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship to me. Hard to say whether it’s abusive without actually witnessing it, but you’re clearly walking on eggshells around him and that’s a bad sign. You’re the one who is always having to placate him and your life together is essentially ruled by his moods and tantrums.

The comment he made about counselling is actually quite sinister and even though I’m sure he’d claim he was just joking, I suspect his true self was really coming through in that comment.

He’s one of those assholes that are so sure you’ll never leave, they regularly push the boundaries. His behaviour is unacceptable, respond to it firmly by finding some support and leaving. Fuck this life and this man! People need to understand that life is too short to put up with this misery and horrible behaviour.

It's emotionally abusive. Having to ask someone to treat you with respect is awful, it should be a given. Getting angry because he can't find something in the supermarket is a huge over reaction. Giving you the silent treatment for 6 hours because you've asked politely for something reasonable is 100% controlling and emotionally abusive.

It's telling that he said not to get so much better that you leave him. That's what he wants, for you to second guess your own behaviour, lose all confidence, and believe him when he is telling you that you can't do anything and need his instruction for everything.

Do you walk on eggshells? Are you scared of telling him your true thoughts because you know he will over react? Is he nasty when you argue? Do you not argue back because you are anxious about how angry he will get? These are all signs that you are being emotionally abused.

And no its not part of a relationships ups and downs. We argue but have never name called, shouted, been nasty or given each other the silent treatment. There are ways of disagreeing without being horrible

I was thinking about some counselling and he replied ‘as long as you don’t start feeling so much better that you leave me’.

therein lies your answer.

He sounds controlling and yes it's sounds like emotional abuse.

He has always had mood swings
Suck any joy out of the day
Each time he promises to change
stormed around the supermarket
later on got angry / dismissed me
He has now not spoken to me for around 6 hours
moody when I don’t anticipate what he needs or wants
holding things against me
telling me I’m being oversensitive
tells me that I’m doing things wrong

Sounds like an utterly miserable relationship. You don't treat anyone you love this way.

Him saying ‘as long as you don’t start feeling so much better that you leave me’ is the truth. He's counting on your low self esteem and low self worth to put up with his pathetic awfulness.

Up to you whether you want to put up with it!

Sounds like my ex, I've felt so much happier since leaving him, sleep better, anxiety issues better, getting confidence back etc.

He sounds like he's become very complacent and maybe needs a kick up the backside to show that you won't put up with it any longer.

The silent treatment is the worst. It sounds like he's unhappy in himself and is then taking it out on you. Yes I'd class it as abusive.

Thanks all for responses, I’m just so tired of walking on eggshells and it has been going on a long time.

I should add that I’m not an angel, I get stressed and irritable sometimes and shout back. In the past I’ve threatened to leave in the heat of an argument which I know makes him feel even more insecure.

What’s worse is that he’s known as the the fun/ kind/ considerate one with family and friends so if I complain I’m seen as being unreasonable.

This. Leave him. It won't get better unfortunately, but if you leave, you might well feel much better.

he’s known as the the fun/ kind/ considerate one with family and friends so if I complain I’m seen as being unreasonable

They always are! You deserve to be happy. Walking on eggshells is not normal.

@Frazzled11

he replied ‘as long as you don’t start feeling so much better that you leave me’.

Let us rephrase that with his mindset in view..."I am going to keep Frazzled feeling miserable and unworthy. That way I can assure myself that she will never leave me".

That actually sort of takes your breath away, doesn't it? That someone would keep you their 'emotional captive' simply to satisfy their own desires.

Go to counseling, gather your resources, get the hell out.

My husband shared similar traits. Said things awful and so hurt that no difference from physical abuse. He also dismiss idea of counselling, thinking it’s waste of money - a scam.

I agree your approach so far for communicating your feelings. I would encourage continue to do do, I see the persistence of communication is part of marriage. Those who don’t communicate might choose parted ways.

I wonder have you tried just be away from him for a while? Like move out or weekend trip? Go take a breather may also help.

I would also suggest to let him know to take accountability of his words - which have impact on you and this is the problem. Your meant to be his loved ones, how could he hurt you?

hope it helps!

The behaviour I am particularly worried about includes; being moody when I don’t anticipate what he needs or wants although he doesn’t tell me what this is; holding things against me I have said months or years ago (likes / dislikes/ stuff from rows); telling me I’m being oversensitive when he is angry/ stomping around/ silently stewing. He often tells me that I’m doing things wrong (e.g cooking, driving) and then tells me how I should be doing things.

YES !!!!! why do they make us feel like idiots ! ive lost count the numer of times ive been made to feel like a idiot and stupid , i drive wrong , i shop wrong , load the dishwasher wrong, paint wrong and on and on , i keep loosing my bank card and its bugs the shit out of him 😂coz hes never ever done anything like that !

You my beautiful lady are perfect just the way you are 😘

My husband and I have had a few prickly weeks since having a conversation where he raised his voice at me and put me down. It happened again a few days later so I let him know how I was feeling but he only texted sorry. He didn’t really talk to me or try to connect after that so we were distant for the last two weeks. Tonight we made time to talk but he ended up telling me that I’m too sensitive and he can’t live up to what I think I deserve. (I asked him to talk to me with respect when we communicate.) He said he feels like he lives in a prison. Obviously I am feeling discouraged by his words and don’t know where to go from here. Sigh. I am not very sensitive, I speak to him calmly and kindly, I try very hard to show him respect and not react. Does this sound like emotional abuse?