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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SS doesn't want to live with father anymore

18 replies

eddky1 · 27/08/2023 15:42

I'm not sure if this is the correct place to post this but I don't know what to do.

SS is 14 and he has developmental delays/possible ADHD and he acts younger than he is most of the time. When he is happy, he is the sweetest, kindest child but when he is upset he is violent, hits, breaks things etc.

I've known him since he was a toddler but I was with partner for 5.5 years. We get along great and he did with partner too. We are splitting up due to him having an affair and have told SS that we are no longer together and I will be moving out soon.

Since then, SS hasn't been doing things ex has been telling him to do (he struggled with that anyway), they argue about everything and ex is constantly getting annoyed with SS.

Yesterday, they spent the whole day arguing and ex wouldn't back down as SS is rude and wasnt listening (to simple things he was asking like tidy up, having a shower, go to bed etc). SS was angry so was acting out more, he wouldn't go to bed so ex threatened to take his iPad and SS threw the iPad at ex and was kicking and saying he hated him.

I managed to calm him down by hugging him and ex said I was being too soft (maybe I was but it worked). Although he is still saying he doesn't want to live with ex and he hates him.

Just to add, he lives with us full time as his mum struggled with his behaviour as she has other children, she works a lot and lives an hour and half away and when we moved we agreed it was best he lives here so he didn't have a massive change in routine. She sees him 2 out of 4 weekends a month but it's getting less and he's much happier here anyway as at his mums he's left to his own devices and acts out to get her attention by hurting the other children and breaking their things.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 27/08/2023 16:04

Well what can you do realistically. If you are separating from his father he either has to live with him or his mother. Either way its going to cause him upset. You can maybe still see him but presumably he won't be living with you and you can't promise to have him on a regular basis as that is unlikely to be sustainable

KnowledgeableMomma · 27/08/2023 16:40

Apologies, but I'm unsure what question you need help with? Are you asking where SS will live now? Are you asking if you should leave? Are you asking if your discipline (the hugging) was correct? Just need some clarity.

OhComeOnFFS · 27/08/2023 16:48

I feel really sorry for him, tbh. What a messed up situation he's in. No wonder he's acting out.

OhComeOnFFS · 27/08/2023 16:51

I wasn't blaming you, there. I was blaming his father for having an affair.

kitsuneghost · 27/08/2023 16:53

Is an affair the only reason you are splitting up?
Can you not work through it?
Sounds like SS needs some stability in his life.

pinkyredrose · 27/08/2023 16:53

His father needs parenting classes. There's no excuse for shouting at your child all day.

Purplecatshopaholic · 27/08/2023 17:02

Well he either lives with his mum, or his dad. To a large extent this isn’t your problem. I don’t know if you intend to stay in contact but it sounds like it would be good if you could as the poor lad sounds like he’s struggling.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/08/2023 17:10

His father sounds like an ineffective and abusive parent, I wouldn't want to live with someone that shouts at me all the time either.
Perhaps let his mother know how it is and see if she can prioritise her son for once.

Original poster
eddky1 · 27/08/2023 17:27

I would be happy to have him live with me but I'm not sure ex would allow it or if I should even try it. Ex also works long hours so if SS stays with him then he'll have to get childcare as he can't be at home on his own. If he goes to live with his mum, he won't be the only child there and will be hurting them to get his mums attention or if things get too much for him. He will need to move schools also. So his behaviour will be impacted either way, i imagine more if he lives with his mum.

Ex doesn't always shout at him and as I said it's only been since we told him we're splitting up, his behaviour had been good for a while but i think it's now like this as he's been out of the school routine for a while and he knows things are changing soon. He is a good dad but he gets frustrated with SS, but SS can't help the behaviours.

We are only splitting up due to the affair.

OP posts:
Hopinghonestly · 27/08/2023 17:27

pinkyredrose · 27/08/2023 16:53

His father needs parenting classes. There's no excuse for shouting at your child all day.

Agreed..if he struggles to manage his emotions learning from a father who deals with it by yelling and stropping isnt particularly going to give him any other way to deal with it then what he does...

Dontcallmescarface · 27/08/2023 17:28

Would you consider him staying with you?

Hopinghonestly · 27/08/2023 17:30

eddky1 · 27/08/2023 17:27

I would be happy to have him live with me but I'm not sure ex would allow it or if I should even try it. Ex also works long hours so if SS stays with him then he'll have to get childcare as he can't be at home on his own. If he goes to live with his mum, he won't be the only child there and will be hurting them to get his mums attention or if things get too much for him. He will need to move schools also. So his behaviour will be impacted either way, i imagine more if he lives with his mum.

Ex doesn't always shout at him and as I said it's only been since we told him we're splitting up, his behaviour had been good for a while but i think it's now like this as he's been out of the school routine for a while and he knows things are changing soon. He is a good dad but he gets frustrated with SS, but SS can't help the behaviours.

We are only splitting up due to the affair.

Breaking up over an affair is utterly and completely correct btw. Just to ensure you wont doubt youself :)

Hopefully in time SS will settle down, with his added difficulties is perfectly natural for things currently to be more difficult. Even children with no added difficulties can act up in times of stress.

SeulementUneFois · 27/08/2023 17:30

Dontcallmescarface · 27/08/2023 17:28

Would you consider him staying with you?

OP

His parents are responsible for him.
Don't let them wash their hands of their child and offload him onto you.

You are not his or their emotional support animal.

Ponderingwindow · 27/08/2023 17:32

From what you describe, it seems like perhaps you have been the primary parent for quite some time. If you are willing to maintain that role, it may be time for a serious conversation with both parents.

Dontcallmescarface · 27/08/2023 17:33

Sorry just seen your update. FWIW my DSD lived with me after me and her dad divorced (he had an affair also). It may be worth seeking legal advice but don't be put off by the fact that you are the SM rather than the parent as some cases (like mine), aren't as black and white as a lot of people think.

Ilikewinter · 27/08/2023 17:49

Sorry for the daft question but can you just assume responsibility for this child?. What happens when important decisions need making ie anything to do with discipline, schooling, if he becomes ill?...presumably you would have to speak to your ex....how does this help you move on with your life?.

Original poster
eddky1 · 27/08/2023 19:08

Ponderingwindow · 27/08/2023 17:32

From what you describe, it seems like perhaps you have been the primary parent for quite some time. If you are willing to maintain that role, it may be time for a serious conversation with both parents.

I do look after him more than ex as he can't be at home alone so when ex is working I'm here when he comes back from school and makes his dinner. I'm also fortunate to be able to wfh in the evenings so I have been having him nearly everyday, although on his days off ex does take over and tries to take him out which he's started refusing to do and it is normally an issue anyway as he prefers staying in but when he's out, he has fun.

Today, he refused to get dressed for ex and kept pushing him away when he tried helping with his teeth and in the end ex gave up. SS later complained he was bored and ex said he only had himself to blame and refused to play a game with him which led to SS shouting that he hated him again. I played it with him and ex then accused me of undermining him as he had said no and SS will think he can misbehave and get his own way, although I think ex should've agreed to play it with him in the first place as I don't think SS understands that refusing to get dressed earlier would mean his dad refusing to play a game with him many hours later as he had been well behaved in between albeit a bit quiet.

OP posts:
Walkingbackwardsupsidedown · 27/08/2023 20:20

kitsuneghost · 27/08/2023 16:53

Is an affair the only reason you are splitting up?
Can you not work through it?
Sounds like SS needs some stability in his life.

WTF??😳

No, Op does not have to stay with a cheating partner to provide stability for his child. She is not a support human. The actual parents have to step up to care for their own offspring.

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