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AIBU?

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Original poster

Divorce

19 replies

Walkinganywhere · 27/08/2023 13:44

So I filed for divorce. Lots of reasons. Some I could work through with time. But...the one thing I can't forgive is that he has sat and looked at porn on his tablet on the sofa while I am sat watching tv. He's also done it while the kids were in the room. I don't believe they saw what he was looking at...I hope not. I did say to him then that it wasn't appropriate.
When I spoke to him about it he admitted he had done it more than once. I said it was a deal breaker for me. He said I was being unreasonable as it was a moment of madness (well, clearly more than one moment!).
So...am I being unreasonable divorcing him because he clearly has a problem with porn and can't seem to see that it wasn't acceptable?
Yes...this is the final straw on top of lots of other issues. Thoughts?

OP posts:
CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 13:48

YANBU. Get rid of him. What is the housing situation?

Original poster
Walkinganywhere · 27/08/2023 13:53

Joint owned house with small mortgage. I have no financial ability to buy him out or to afford to rent

OP posts:
Pollyputhekettleon · 27/08/2023 14:02

You'll have to protect the kids from him whether you stay together or not. Maybe you could teach them a rule that they must never ever look over a grownups shoulder at their phone? That phones are really private and you never use someone else's? Something like that. They'll just think it's a really weird rule their family has, you don't have to explain.

Original poster
Walkinganywhere · 27/08/2023 14:16

I've already been doing this. My saying it's good manners to not look over someone's shoulder.

OP posts:
Persipan · 27/08/2023 14:19

Walkinganywhere · 27/08/2023 13:53

Joint owned house with small mortgage. I have no financial ability to buy him out or to afford to rent

I'm so sorry, this situation sucks for you and I agree I wouldn't want to stay with him in the circumstances. Gently, though, what's your plan financially?

Original poster
Walkinganywhere · 27/08/2023 14:38

I'm just trying to get into balance work wise. Taken on a second job I can do from home so is flexible. Recently increased hours in main job. So want to sort some debts over next month or two. Also need to push him to deal with finances to get a financial split. Enough equity in house to enable both of us to buy (with motgage) however his ability for a mortgage is far better than mine. Downside if so much equity is I can't move out and get UC to support me as equity in house counts as saving if nit living g there. Wish he'd move out as I could then. Frustrated

OP posts:
Lastordersplease23 · 27/08/2023 14:46

You're going to get a divorce because he looks at porn next to you? Could you not ask him to do it privately, in the room. Away from you & kids?
You are being massively unreasonable.

I reckon you're drip feeding.

Original poster
Walkinganywhere · 27/08/2023 14:59

He was told it wasn't acceptable. More than once. But still continued.
You think it is OK to sit looking at porn in the same room as your partner and children?

OP posts:
Pollyputhekettleon · 27/08/2023 15:38

Lastordersplease23 · 27/08/2023 14:46

You're going to get a divorce because he looks at porn next to you? Could you not ask him to do it privately, in the room. Away from you & kids?
You are being massively unreasonable.

I reckon you're drip feeding.

You didn't bother to read the OP. Now that's unreasonable.

Lastordersplease23 · 27/08/2023 16:17

Pollyputhekettleon · 27/08/2023 15:38

You didn't bother to read the OP. Now that's unreasonable.

Show quote history

I read the whole OP and of course it is unacceptable but surely not grounds for divorce.
As stated, she mentions "lots of reasons" so she isn't giving the full picture. This part is just one part of the whole picture.

Crikeyalmighty · 27/08/2023 16:21

@Lastordersplease23 plenty of women file for divorce because their partner looks at porn regularly at all- regardless of whether it's in the lounge or in private. I appreciate a lot of men do this, but I think they need to understand that a lot of women too find it incredibly offensive and will divorce because of it - so it's their risk

Nanny0gg · 27/08/2023 16:22

Lastordersplease23 · 27/08/2023 16:17

I read the whole OP and of course it is unacceptable but surely not grounds for divorce.
As stated, she mentions "lots of reasons" so she isn't giving the full picture. This part is just one part of the whole picture.

Show quote history

She doesn't have to.

If this is the final straw then it's the final straw.

Though allowing children to view porn is, I believe, abuse.

So it's fine to be the only reason.

Pollyputhekettleon · 27/08/2023 16:22

Lastordersplease23 · 27/08/2023 16:17

I read the whole OP and of course it is unacceptable but surely not grounds for divorce.
As stated, she mentions "lots of reasons" so she isn't giving the full picture. This part is just one part of the whole picture.

Show quote history

You said: 'You're going to get a divorce because he looks at porn next to you.' That's an absolute lie, and if you read it then you know it is.

You also know it's a lie because you admit she said she has 'lots of reasons'.

Zanatdy · 27/08/2023 16:27

If porn is a deal breaker for you then your not unreasonable. I don’t mind a partner watching porn so for me getting a divorce due to that is unreasonable for me, but for you it’s clearly unacceptable and doesn’t appear to be the only thing

Pollyputhekettleon · 27/08/2023 17:03

Zanatdy · 27/08/2023 16:27

If porn is a deal breaker for you then your not unreasonable. I don’t mind a partner watching porn so for me getting a divorce due to that is unreasonable for me, but for you it’s clearly unacceptable and doesn’t appear to be the only thing

Do you believe she's divorcing him because he watches porn? Where did you get that from?

Zanatdy · 27/08/2023 17:05

Pollyputhekettleon · 27/08/2023 17:03

Do you believe she's divorcing him because he watches porn? Where did you get that from?

Show quote history

Well given it’s the one thing she can’t forgive (assume the others she can) then yes, that is why isn’t it.

Pollyputhekettleon · 27/08/2023 17:17

Zanatdy · 27/08/2023 17:05

Well given it’s the one thing she can’t forgive (assume the others she can) then yes, that is why isn’t it.

Show quote history

I actually can't believe you're this incapable of reading comprehension. Who was in the room with him when he's watched porn?

Original poster
Walkinganywhere · 27/08/2023 17:23

I have no issue with anyone watching porn. He's welcome to watch it in a room on his own. For me it's unacceptable to choose to sit on the sofa in the lounge scrolling through porn on a tablet, pretending you are not, when your partner is watching TV. And at times when children are playing in the same room. Take it elsewhere.

No...not a rant at you at all, so please don't read into this! I think it maybe wasn't clear that we were sat in the same room and he was pretending to not when he was and made up excuses when I mentioned it but still did it other times.

OP posts:
Original poster
Walkinganywhere · 27/08/2023 17:25

Sorry my OP is confusing!
I am divorcing him ultimately because he chose to watch porn on his tablet in the lounge when I was watching TV/ reading and also when the kids were playing in the lounge. He can watch porn in private if he wants. No issue. Just choosing to do it there and making excuses when I mentioned it and even then doing it again, isn't acceptable for me.

I guess I've answered my own question really.

OP posts:
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