AIBU?

[NaatQ968]

First time mum, have post natal anxiety after a difficult birth.

Our daughter is ten months and through sleep regressions gets up during the night as expected. I go to comfort her, my partner thinks we should let her self soothe. For reference she isn't crying during the night, she's just awake and moaning.

I want to go comfort her and we end up falling out about it as I refuse to sit there and listen to her whinge. But he says that she needs to learn it's not playtime. During the night he's Zero patience. He works a hard job but I always do during the night and I never ask him to.,,

I'm currently sleeping on the couch as a result.

So... AIBU for wanting to soothe my baby during the night?
Or YANBU?

If she’s not crying, then I’d leave her to it.

If she's not crying, I wouldn't get up. She'll cry if she needs you.

If my child wasn't crying no idea why I would need to go in

I'd also leave DD at that age if she wasn't crying - usually, it was because she was in a lighter sleep cycle/having a mini-wake up and just getting herself back to sleep, going in would have disturbed her more. I ended up turning the sound off on the monitor so I wasn't disturbed by it (crying would be loud enough to wake me up)

If she isn’t crying just ignore!

Yep if not crying then leave her until / if she does cry.

She's not crying! Don't get up, take whatever rest you can.

I've always been absolutely terrified of SIDS since she was born, so I've always had her monitor on even when she was next to me... got so much better until one night she vomited in her sleep as a result of having a bug. So I have kept the volume on... I'm driving my partner nuts. I just find it difficult to hear her cry and moan and worry something will happen.

I will try and leave her tonight.

Thank you for your comments ❤️

Now that she's 10 months SIDS is very unlikely. I know it's hard, but try to relax OP.

I know it’s hard if you’re anxious, but if she’s not crying you don’t need to go in.

@NaatQ968 I totally understand your fears, I suffered horrifically with both ante and post natal anxiety. Every time dd murmured I would leap up to check on her. 9 times out of 10 she was just murmuring in her sleep and the noise of me going to her would wake her.

I understand how hard it will be but as others have said, unless she actively cries try and leave her to it. We all make noises in our sleep! If she is still moaning after 15 mins then pop your head in to check on her but again if she isn't aware or crying then leave her to it and come away.

Both of you need to sleep!!

I'm not sure your partner is going about things the right way, but he has a point even if he is being a bit of an arse in how he makes it.

I've found it very difficult. I know of two people (one being fsmily) who lost their child to SIDS. I was getting better until the vomiting incident. Like she'll sit up and just moan and even leans over the cot as if she wants a cuddle. My partner is so hands on with everything, he's amazing. But he thinks I'm being silly, he said he needs me to sleep. Cause most of the time I'm like a walking zombie. But 4am wake up with her just moaning and playing with her hands and I went through and he just had enough.

I agree he could probably say it better, but when he has in the past, I've totally dismissed what he's said and just went to her. So I went into the living room and he just lay her back down again with a ceiling projector light and within 20 mins she was asleep. I even had the monitor on, in the living room on my phone... it's my issue I know it is.

Sometimes she cries but it isn't even a real cry. I know the real cry, even so, I just find myself in there 🤷🏼‍♀️

I can't begin to imagine the fear but at her current age the sids risk should be over. And as clichéd as it sounds, it's not confirmed as genetic so the fact a family member sadly suffered a loss doesn't mean you will. There is no ryhme or reason to it at all.

Re your husband's behaviour, I have similar in so much as it takes my finance to get pissy before I take on board all the times he has nicely tried to reign back my anxiety behaviours. You are doing well in that you went downstairs and let him deal with her.

It's a hard road, but keep fighting the anxiety. Don't let it ruin your experience of being a mum!!!

You are doing a great job!! Trust yourself a bit more.

If she was able to self soothe once the projector was on, maybe pop something like an alexa in her room and pop soothing lullabies on or stories to help her resettle without you immediately going in to her?

I go to my child when he cries and thats it. He wakes up quite regularly especially during a regression but I only ever go when he cries and I think every time as been a bad dream. I want him to know if he's upset or scared we will be there

I did sleep training because my 8 month old was screaming every 45 mins in the night. Would never have gotten up for whinging. I'd throw some toys in the cot and leave baby to it. If she's not crying for you, then that's a good thing! Leave her to it!