Forgiveness after affair

[Sparklybutold]

Friend told me this evening her husband of over 20 years had a one night stand. My first instinct is to say leave but the repercussions of this would be great. Both staying or leaving have huge ramifications. What would you do? Especially interested to hear the views of those who have personally experienced this, whether the adulterer or partner. Why? Did you stay? Did you leave? I want to help my friend and I've listened intently but I can't shift the deep seated feeling that trust has been fundamentally broken and can this ever be healed?

First of all I think you just help your friend by continuing to listen and support any decision she makes. I have told a friend to leave, quite bluntly, in the past and it has back fired and damaged the friendship.

Realistically, this isn’t the first time he’s cheated on her and won’t be the last, but it isn’t your marriage.

When my ex cheated I kicked him out that day and left the next. There was no going back for me, although it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I knew he'd probably do it again, and even if he didn't, I knew I'd never trust him again and the paranoia and panic would set in every time he was late home from work or went out.

I think you need to be there for your friend whatever she decides. It's an awful decision to have to make and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. She'll be feeling such a huge range of emotions that she won't know if she's coming or going. But it does get better, it really really does, I can promise you that.

@Survivingmy3yearold what would have enticed you to stay? The one thing I have said is to not rush into any decision. She's absolutely devastated and is having to keep the mask going of functioning mum etc. What's difficult is her husband has always been devoted to her that it has really surprised me (her also). As a woman, I feel angry on her behalf, but then I know and like the husband who is a nice guy who has just made a really bad decision.

I’d leave. But it’s not your business tbh

All you can do for your friend is listen to her and support whatever decision she chooses to make.

I was always one to say leave and throw the person out who cheats but having gone through it myself, it’s not that plain and simple. I chose to stay, I chose to forgive and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. My trust was gone, I was broken emotionally and physically, it changed me as a person. We had mountains of things to work through. There were a million reasons to end it and a million reasons to stay. He was genuinely remorseful. He did everything he could to gain my trust back. He was honest and upfront about everything. He didn’t blame anything or anyone, he took full responsibility. He was ashamed and openly told his family what he did and everyone was disgusted with him. He gave me the space I needed and overtime we worked through it. It took years to get back to a place I felt we were happy. I doubted him and was worried it would change me into a controlling insecure person so I had to do a lot of work on myself.
We are now 5 years on and have a family. I know people will say I’m naive and stupid, that I’m a doormat and it will happen again but I trust him and I know it won’t. He knows what he could lose and it’s even more now. He knows he wouldn’t be able to win me back a second time and I genuinely believe he still hates himself for what he did.

Not every person who cheats is as honest and upfront. To me it depends how much they hide it and how long it goes on for. It also depends how they react afterwards and how much they are willing to work on their relationship.

I found it incredibly hard to tell my family and friends and felt embarrassed when he told them what happened. It’s good she’s been open with you but all I suggest is you remind her that you’re there and always will be. That you are her shoulder to cry on and the person to rant to. If she asks for advice then ask her what she wants, some people want brutal honesty but others don’t.

(sorry for the long post)

You don't need to tell her to leave or stay, it's not your place. You need to offer her non-judegmental support in whatever she decides.

If she decides to leave, you need to hold her hand through it. But if she stays she may well feel ashamed and embarrassed, so don't add to that - just listen, hold her hand and let her know you'll support her no matter what.

I think you should be there to listen and help if needed. If you try to sway her decision you could end up in the middle and being the bad guy

Love your post @Hiddenvoice There's nothing to be ashamed of and you did an incredibly brave thing. I'm so glad it worked out for you.

Just listen and be there for her x

@Hiddenvoice wow I found your post really moving. I also stayed after an infidelity of sorts. Rebuilding the trust is a very very long process and changes the fundamental basis of your relationship.
Its bizarre but I definitely feel our relationship is stronger now than it was before.

I think @Sparklybutold all you can be is supportive. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way forward; the future is what they both choose to make of it. A one night stand is not necessarily an emotional betrayal so perhaps that is some comfort. Just be there in the trenches with your friend. There are some good podcasts on recovering from betrayal in marriage; also perhaps some counselling with relate or similar would be a useful starting point, however things develop. X

I would leave, it won't have been the first time.

I left when it happened to me.

The trust was gone, therefore the relationship was over.

@Sparklybutold I think the only thing that could realistically have enticed me to say was him never going out or doing anything without me, which would have been totally unreasonable and impractical. My family and friends were amazingly supportive and did everything they could to help me leave and I knew if I went back and it happened again they may not be so quick to help me next time if they thought I was going to go back again. I thought my ex was happy and devoted, in fact he admitted he was happy with me, he just saw an opportunity to sleep with someone else and didn't think I'd ever find out so he did it, which I think helped my decision. He didn't fall in love, it wasn't something that developed over time.

I think forgiveness or not depends entirely on the motive of the adulterer.
If it's some kind of crisis, out of character, deeply regretted etc I can see how you could get past it eventually, if they were prepared to work out what the issue was and resolve properly...
If they are just feeling entitled/ disgruntled / didn't care and thought they'd get away with it... That's a whole other ball game.

My husband cheated with two one night stands 20 years ago.. our relationship was not in a good place and I was - in reflection in an EA with another man but didn't actually realise it..

We went to a fabulous marriage counsellor who saved our marriage and to whom I will be eternally grateful.. nothing similar has happened since . And for the 'once an cheat always a cheat brigade ' I would stake my life in it . He is useless at deception and caught it early each time ..

20 years on - and kids all left home we are in a second honeymoon zone .. tis fabulous and I am so glad I have him a third chance ..

@Hiddenvoice it's incredible what love can achieve if both parties have enough love and strength. To genuinely overcome that could only be possible with deep commitment on both sides.

@Rumplestrumpet thank you ❤️

@babyproblems i agree with you, our marriage is so much stronger now than it ever has been. It changed me as a person but I think it also made me stronger too.

I can assume that’s a dig at me and it genuinely doesn’t bother me.

@PimpMyFridge thank you. Wasn’t easy but we made it work and i‘m not ashamed of it. It’s part of our past and genuinely does feel like a lifetime ago. I don’t recognise those two people we used to be.

It doesn't matter what you or anyone else would do OP. Your role in this is to handhold, provide a shoulder to cry on and to listen. Just tell your friend you will be there to support her whatever she decides to do . Do not try to sway her in any direction.