Struggling with a flashback, don't know what to do.

[PurpleSky300]

I need some help in dealing with a flashback. I don’t know what to do.
When I was 14, I lived with my grandmother and she had dementia, which my family tried to deal with at home. Most of her daily care in terms of cooking and cleaning etc was supported by her DD and DIL but as things went on, she had issues with self-neglect. It was hard to get her to bathe, she wouldn’t visit a GP, she didn’t want strangers in the house, etc.

One day, her DD and DIL – a nurse - tried to sort this out. It was terrible. They carried her into the bath and washed her but she was shouting, confused, disorientated. They put her in some clean clothes and cut her hair. Then, they tried to tackle her toenails which had become severely overgrown.
For the love of God, I don’t know why they didn’t get a professional, but they didn’t. DIL (a nurse) tried to clip each nail and with every clip, screaming and shouting and you could see little bits of blood where the skin was nicked. After one foot was done, I ran out into the street because I couldn’t stand the screaming anymore. They gave up.

I know they were doing what they thought was best, I know they probably didn’t feel they could ask for help from SS, I know my GM would not have remembered it long. But it looked and it sounded like torture, and I was standing around like a useless lemon.

It’s been nearly 20 years since then and I cannot clip my own fingernails or toenails without remembering this, it comes back to me every single day and I feel so guilty, and I feel like karma is going to bite me in some major way at some point in my life because of this. I tried to discuss it with my DM and aunt but they are of the opinion that they were doing what they had to do. It’s hard.

I’m sorry you’re having emotional difficulty with this. It’s awful that is plagues you. It can be harder to process the things we experience as children, even though we should know the ‘logic’. First of all - karma isn’t real so just forget about that one (though you didn’t do anything wrong in the first place). Secondly, unfortunately this is very common when dealing with a disoriented older adult, and she would likely have reacted that way no matter who was bathing her or trimming her toenails. My mother was a home nurse and experienced many episodes like this. My father also experienced delusion and disorientation at the end of his life and behaved like this, despite having professional care.

The behaviour itself is very upsetting and I’m sorry it has stuck with you, but I’d try to find some peace in knowing that no one did anything wrong or made poor decisions. It’s just the reality of caring for someone with this condition.

You are taking responsibility for something that was outside your control.
Children often think they should be able to control a situation that is impossible for them to solve and take on a burden of guilt for failing to fix the unfixable.

Be kind to your teenage self. It was not your job to sort out your grandmother nor the way the adults were treating her. They may have been doing the right thing if your GM would have been equally distressed by a stranger or maybe they misjudged how she would react. Either way the first thing to recognise in my view is that this was not a situation you could do anything about. You bear no responsibility and should forgive any guilt you feel.