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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Performative uselessness

23 replies

thegirlwiththegoldentouch · 26/08/2023 16:48

Name changed for this but long time mumsnetter. Today I was seeing my best friend for the first time in months- she lives a long way away so we don't see each other very often and I was really looking forward to this. My partner knew this (we don't live together and both have kids separately). At the time I was supposed to meet her I got a call from my partner that his child had had an accident (not serious or life threatening just a normal kind of childhood injury) he was working (self employed and had his child with him). I feel like he wanted me to drop my plans and go and help out, I said something like 'oh no I hope you manage to sort it out, poor (child's name).' Then I got more calls which I missed as I was busy with my friend. Am I the arsehole for not wanting to drop my plans and sort out a parenting drama for his child? I've text him since I got back to check if it's ok and he hasn't replied and I think he might be pissed off but obviously that could be me feeling guilt because subconsciously I think I should have helped him. I often have parenting dramas but I might moan about them to him a bit but I never expect help, just some time and space to sort it out myself as I've been a single parent for a long time. He might turn up with flowers/wine etc to make me feel better but it's never asked for or expected.

OP posts:
FutureThroughLensOfThePast · 26/08/2023 16:52

If it wasn't a serious accident, YANBU.

thegirlwiththegoldentouch · 26/08/2023 17:10

Not at all serious, needed some medical help but more like a quick trip to a&e and then back to playing albeit with a sore toe/ankle/hand sort of injury.

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 26/08/2023 17:14

YANBU. It's his child, you don't even live together and it wasn't a serious accident, just a standard childhood knock. It's ridiculous to expect you to change your plans for something like that.

TerrorOwls · 26/08/2023 17:17

What did he want you to do? Accompany them to a&e?
No, yanbu.

misskatamari · 26/08/2023 17:17

Yanbu!

thegirlwiththegoldentouch · 26/08/2023 17:21

I'm not 100% sure he did expect me to change my plans, he didn't ask me to. But he also phoned, said what had happened and then just went quiet when I said I hope you sort it out, which makes me think he was expecting me to jump in and say 'I'll come over and hold the fort work wise whilst you take him to be seen'. We have never fallen out previously and I'm happy to be hands on with his kids, cook and stuff with them (mine are older so not really the same for him). But this isn't really my problem to sort. Eg if I was at work and there was a problem with one of my daughters being taken to hospital or taken ill, I'd let my line manager know, leave work and text him to let him know what had happened at some point but I wouldn't call or send constant texts with updates.

OP posts:
BIWI · 26/08/2023 17:24

But you don't know that, do you? I think you're assuming too much - until he tells you that he wanted you to drop everything for him, of course!

You absolutely would not have been unreasonable to drop your plans.

TerrorOwls · 26/08/2023 17:24

Well, really you can't be expected to read his mind. He didn't actually ask anything so there should be no thought to this on your part other than checking in and seeing how the dc is doing.

Feverly · 26/08/2023 17:32

What’s the thread title about?

Did you just want a rant or something? There’s no question in the OP?

Autumntimeagain · 26/08/2023 17:41

No OP, he absolutely phoned you with intent !

If he didn't want you to drop your plans and go to him to take the poor child to A&E, then he 100% wanted you to take over/hold the fort at his job !

There simply is NO other reason for him phoning you, telling you, then 'going quiet' when you DON'T immediately offer to rush over to help him in his 'hour of need' ffs ! (Unless he couldn't give a shiny shit about DC and was only phoning you to 'give you the goss' about what happened to DC that day ? i.e delay getting the poor child medical treatment just so he could have a chat with you first, just so you were 'up to date' with events ??)

He'll be pissed off now no doubt, because it's YOUR job to 'facilitate' HIS life ! (because you're a woman ffs, so 'kids' come under YOUR remit, regardless of who's bloody child it is ! )

Trianglesandcircles1 · 26/08/2023 17:49

was only phoning you to 'give you the goss' about what happened to DC that day ? i.e delay getting the poor child medical treatment just so he could have a chat with you first, just so you were 'up to date' with events ??

This.
He phoned you after the accident but before sorting out his child. Of course he was expecting you to volunteer to help him be a parent, so that he could prioritise his work.

Good on you for remaining silent during the 'awkward gap' in the conversation and then getting on with your day.

For the future - watch carefully to see whether he is a fully competent single parent and happy to be so, or if he is constantly trying to get you to help him out all the time. Don't fall into the 'step-mum' role by accident.

thegirlwiththegoldentouch · 26/08/2023 19:48

Feverly · 26/08/2023 17:32

What’s the thread title about?

Did you just want a rant or something? There’s no question in the OP?

There is a question clearly stated in my OP- am I the arsehole for not wanting to drop my plans to help deal with a his child/work problems? Performative uselessness is a phrase often used on Mumsnet in regard to men who make a big show of not being able to deal with simple issues so that the women in their lives take over and solve their problems.

OP posts:
WarmButteryCrumpets · 26/08/2023 20:36

Definitely not unreasonable to carry on with your plans! It does sound like he wants you to do his parenting for him

Duvetdayforme · 26/08/2023 20:49

I’m a bit confused. Do you own a business together? Why would you take over his work?

Furryrug · 26/08/2023 20:50

If he wanted your help, then he should have asked, you're not a mind reader and he would have been a cheeky fucker if he did ask , knowing that you had plans .
How would you have been able to hold the fort at his job anyway?

WiddlinDiddlin · 26/08/2023 21:23

Nah, not life threatening, I think its reasonable to assume if he takes child to work with him, he can shut up shop to deal with child based emergencies if necessary.

I'd just ask him:

'were you hoping I'd drop everything and come and help? Because you didn't ask me to, I didn't see any need to offer as you're perfectly capable of dealing with X... but now you seem rather quiet and I'd rather talk about it than play guessing games'.

TerrorOwls · 26/08/2023 21:30

Has he got in touch now?

Guiltypleasures001 · 26/08/2023 21:43

Trying to stop you going and ruin your state of mind whilst your there
I was married to one of these

mathanxiety · 26/08/2023 21:51

YANBU

If he wanted you to help he should have said so.

Leaving you guessing and now blanking you is the mark of someone who creates drama to piss on someone else's chips.

LakeTiticaca · 26/08/2023 22:15

Does the child have a mother?

billy1966 · 26/08/2023 22:23

Of course yanbu.

Is he one of those men that thinks the nearest vagina should parentbhis child rather than him?

Do you do too much for his children?

Lazy avoidant fathers always want a skivvy aupair to dump their children on.

Take a step back and think about how much you do for them?

He's sulking because you would step into do his parenting.

He sounds lazy.

Let him sulk.

thegirlwiththegoldentouch · 26/08/2023 22:52

I could have helped out work wise as it would have meant he didn't need to shut up shop and lose precious sales on a busy Saturday.

With regard to his kids, I don't do that much for them at all. They are nice kids and I have occasionally done something with/for them out of my own choice because I like them. He doesn't normally do this at all. But having had a super shit and useless ex husband, and having raised my kids totally alone even when I was married due to this shit, I am hyper vigilant about this type of stuff. I'm a very independent person so I'd never get taken for a ride like that again. I'd much rather be on my own if it came to it.

He's been in touch and we've discussed it, I may have overreacted a bit. He wasn't ignoring me but busy trying to sort out work after having to leave. He realises why I thought that and how it made me feel and I get his perspective too, even if it's not how I would have done things.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 26/08/2023 23:40

Fair enough.

Well done for being alert.

Far better to be alone rather than used.

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