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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

27 yr old very lazy

21 replies

shanavine · 26/08/2023 14:21

My daughter lives with her 6yr old daughter in my house, which I still pay a mortgage on.
She is a student nurse , 1 yr left .
I hate how she lives in the house.
Very unhygienic, no soap in bathroom for 2 months.
Toilet bowl not cleaned for 6 months.
It was stinking.
Child mattresses stinking of pee, she has accidents now and then.
Couch stinking of pee same reason.
House generally messy.
I have spoken to her time and time again.
She is fine for a couple of weeks.
Then back to a mess.
Like clothes on the child floor all the time.
Very chaotic.
6yr has behaviour issues.
I can't seem to get through to her.
They have no where else to go.
I'm at my wits end.
Please advise
Tia.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 26/08/2023 14:24

I’m in a similar situation with DS. Not as bad but an absolute mess and chaotic.

Ive spoken with him many times but it doesn’t really change. You have my sympathy but with a child in the mix it’s concerning. Is she well fed and clothed?

JumbledE · 26/08/2023 14:28

It’s very concerning that the bed isn’t being changed for the child. It’s neglectful.

If your financial situation is good then you could pay for a cleaner to go in once a week, for the sake of the child. But assuming that’s not the case, and your DD is unwilling to change this behaviour, you’ll need to contact the school or social services to raise concerns.

Tinkerbyebye · 26/08/2023 14:35

So time to give her a list of expectation's. If she is not will to abide by them she has leave

and you do have a choice, make her homeless and the council will house, even if that means temporary accommodation

Original poster
shanavine · 26/08/2023 15:11

Yes granddaughter is well fed and clothed.
No concerns there

OP posts:
Original poster
shanavine · 26/08/2023 15:12

I can afford it , but she learns nothing from that.
Once she gets her own place I really don't have a say on how she runs it.

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 26/08/2023 15:14

shanavine · 26/08/2023 15:11

Yes granddaughter is well fed and clothed.
No concerns there

Sorry but I think you should be concerned if she's living in this environment. Living in such an environment is neglectful, regardless of whether she's well dressed and fed.

Ratfinkstinkypink · 26/08/2023 15:14

Lazy or overwhelmed? As a student nurse is she doing long/night shifts while studying and managing a child with challenges and trying to run a house?

Maggiemaggieooo · 26/08/2023 15:18

That's neglect whichever you look at it I think you need to report this its not fair on that child

Original poster
shanavine · 26/08/2023 15:27

No she has the child's grandmother who is great help with childcare.
She has been off college the last two months

OP posts:
NnarcissaMalfoy · 26/08/2023 15:29

It sounds like she might be a bit depressed, maybe encourage her to get help with her mental health?

WedRine · 26/08/2023 15:38

Has she always been messy or is this something that's come on in in more recent years?

Original poster
shanavine · 26/08/2023 15:38

She was on antidepressants, not anymore.
Didn't make any difference.
She says she feels good in herself.

OP posts:
70isaLimitNotaTarget · 26/08/2023 15:51

She is a student nurse , 1 yr left .I hate how she lives in the house.Very unhygienic, no soap in bathroom for 2 months.Toilet bowl not cleaned for 6 months.It was stinking.

No-one else thinking it is fecking grim for an HCP to not grasp the importance of handwashing or loo cleaning ?

LakeTiticaca · 26/08/2023 16:10

Have the school raised concerns? Surely the child will smell if living in those conditions? And wouldn't your daughter be starting to smell as well?

WorseDecision · 26/08/2023 16:27

If she's a nurse surely she's knows the importance of hygiene?
That's not lazy, that's just grim.

Ollifer · 26/08/2023 16:40

This isn't just mess. It sounds filthy and unhygienic, quite worrying she's training to become a nurse tbh. And I feel sorry for the child having to sleep on a mattress that stinks of piss.

LynetteScavo · 26/08/2023 16:45

Well I would clean the child's bedding (if they don't share a room i would also tidy the grandchild's room) and the sofa, and also clean the toilet and provide hand soap. For the sake of my grandchild. I'm not saying it's the right approach, but it's what I would do.

Anothernamethesamegame · 26/08/2023 16:50

This is so hard. If it was just your Daughter I would say to get her out of the home. However I can see with her having your grandchild that is a much harder thing to do.

Being a bit untidy is fine, leaving a child in urine soaked bedding is NOT ok. She should know that as I am sure they have covered some safeguarding of some type in her studies. At the least she should appreciate how unhygienic it is!!

How is her care of her daughter otherwise? Eg does she get her to school ok, meet her emotional needs etc?

What is her response when you talk to her about the state of the home and concerns about her neglecting her daughter?

90sbab8 · 26/08/2023 17:11

Tinkerbyebye · 26/08/2023 14:35

So time to give her a list of expectation's. If she is not will to abide by them she has leave

and you do have a choice, make her homeless and the council will house, even if that means temporary accommodation

Are you having a laugh?! Have you ever applied for social housing?! They dont just automatically rehouse homeless people, especially if they're intentionally homeless or, like OP's daughter, already have somewhere to stay- it's hostels/b&b's or the streets, and that is in no way suitable with a young child. If they did do this then we wouldn't have a huge homelessness problem would we? You dont just apply and get given a HA property now. There's not enough social housing to go around, plus priority is nearly always given to working people in need and you have to jump through hoops to get higher priority. I have personal experience of this because I applied to Manchester City Council when I lived there because my tiny flat was substandard, i got burgled 4 times in 1 year, had MH and other health issues, my partner was mentally abusing me and i couldn't afford another private property even working. I still only got put in band 4 and waited over 4 years before I gave up and moved back home. OPs daughter will have even lower priority if she has no other issues, and the lower the band you get put in the shitter the properties you get offered to bid on.

Freshair1 · 26/08/2023 17:11

That's neglect. Not laziness.

LadyEloise1 · 26/08/2023 17:26

"No-one else thinking it is fecking grim for a HCP to not grasp the importance of hand washing or loo cleaning ?"
This 💯 @70isaLimitNotaTarget

I know a HCP and hate having to use the loo in her house because of her lack of care, hygiene wise.

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