Unintentional NC with DF - AIBU

[SplatteredSpud]

I'm not entirely sure how exactly, but over the past 10 years or so communication with my DF has dwindled down to the bare minimum. We always send cards... birthday... fathers day etc, but the last time we spoke was last December and I haven't actually seen him for several years now. Anyway, it was my birthday last week and in his card was a letter stating how upset he was about the situation between us (fair enough) but the jist of the letter was that it was all down to me... that it is me who has distanced myself from him (and the rest of the family) and that is 'my choice' whether to keep in touch and he is not sure whether 'I wish to reconnect in the future'. Basically it is all my fault! For context, my DM left us when I was a young teenager and, as the eldest child, my DF leant on me a lot and told me things about their marriage no child should EVER hear. He remarried fairly quickly and I felt completely cast aside. I couldn't wait to leave home as he is a very opinionated and judgemental man who I've never felt able to open up to and be myself around and moved out with my BF (now my DH) when I was 19. We visited my DF and DSM regularly when I left, it wasn't acrimonious but I was glad to have some freedom. My younger sister had her DS at 19. My DF & DSM did a lot for her and looked after her DS from very young and had continued to do so right up until he grew up (he's 24 now) - they took him on holiday abroad every year (inc Australia twice) , had him over most weekends, he had a bedroom in their house, they took him for appointments and pretty much helped to bring him up. I married and had DD mid 20's. The first thing my DF said to me was 'we don't do babies, we're too old' - this was telling me not to bother asking them to babysit as they wouldn't, despite DF being late 40's and DSM in her early 40's. I went on to have two DSs. My DF had my DD over a handful of times when she was around 4 - 8, and they seemed to enjoy her as she was a nice, compliant girl who did 'girl things'. When I was PG with DS1 and found out the sex, DF said to me 'well, that'll teach you' which really upset me at the time, but he swears blind now that he didn't say this. When my DS2 was a toddler, DF had my DD (8) and DS1 (5) over to stay (for the first time). My DS1 was a typical boy, into everything and perhaps naturally more boisterous than DD, but he was not atypical of a normal 5 year old boy. DF and DSM (who had never had children herself) simply couldn't cope with him. Afterwards, in a telephone conversation, DSM told me that he needed more discipline, that he was uncontrollable and that we were bad parents. Naturally, this got my back up and I retaliated. I think from this point onwards relations between us deteriorated to the point we find ourselves at today. Quite frankly they have taken not the least bit of interest in their GC and their lives. DS1 got his GCSE results this week but they probably haven't got a clue he'd even taken them yet. DS2 (13) doesn't really even remember them.
So, I'm really at a loss as to what to do here. I would like to tell my DF how I feel, but, despite being nearly 50, he always has the ability to make me feel 15 and he is always right... black is white if he says so. I can't abide confrontation and just thinking about it makes me feel quite panicky. DH thinks I should just ring him and be normal, make small talk and that's that, but it really hurts how he's taken such a disinterest in not only his GC, but in me as his DD over the years. I think subconsciously I'm trying to protect myself and my DC's. Also, I'm annoyed that he has played the guilt card, telling me the 'next time we see each other will be at his funeral' and made it all my fault that we are NC. We moved 2 hours away from home to the coast 10 years ago and at first visited home regularly.... they have been here twice! If it bothered him that much why doesn't HE just ring ME or make an effort to come and visit us all? I'd be fine with him. He doesn't believe in mental health issues and quite honestly, I could say he's probably been the cause of most of mine over the years (low self esteem, feelings of worthlessness and inferiority complex). He really is an awkward and difficult person to be around but he is my dad and all this has really upset me again.

I'd either call him or write back to him with all the things you say here, that's if you want a relationship with him. If you don't then go total NC.

He sounds very similar to my father, but I didn’t get dumped on emotionally just not allowed to express my own.
It’s difficult. He won’t change.
My current thoughts on mine are why should he be allowed to get away with this crap just because he’s my father?

I’m of the mind that if I wouldn’t want people in my life had we not shared DNA, then I don’t have them in my life if we do share DNA. If they bring you down, act in an at least borderline abusive manner, take no responsibility for their actions or their side in issues and there is no real possibility of change/improvement.

Have been LC/NC with my mother for 6 years. My only regret is that I never spelled out why, in one go, with all the trimmings; I did it piecemeal over the years but it didn’t go through. I don’t think it would go through had I done it in one go, but I would be safe in the knowledge I’ve tried everything. I’m much healthier though, not having her in my life. I’d suggest putting it all in black and white and see how he reacts (not holding my breath tho). Then you’ll know you’ve tried.

Yes, my initial thought was to write a letter to him to say what I can't say in person (if that makes sense). My DH put me off doing this and thinks I should just ring him, which I agree is the ideal, sensible and adult thing to do..... but my dad still makes me feel like a child, even at nearly 50 years old (sounds mad but it's totally how I feel) and I can't abide any confrontation and feel anxious at the thought, so although we could have a perfectly civil conversation (how have you been?... yeah, ok kind of conversation, promising to keep in touch more etc etc), it still wouldn't address any of the underlying factors that prevent me from having a normal relationship with him. These have been exactly the kind of conversations we've been having for years and it's clearly not changed a single thing.

MinnieMountain, I think you've got the nail on the head - why should he be allowed to get away with such crap just cos he's my dad?

His unwillingness to want any kind of relationship with his GC has upset me a great deal over the years and caused me much distress, but I have since come to the conclusion that it's not going to change, my kids are non the wiser for missing out - they don't know any difference - it's only causing upset for me, so I have been less affected in recent years. It's when things like this guilt inducing letter turn up, making it like it's all my choice and my fault that rakes up all the hurt and rejection all over again and 'puts me back in my place ' - me the child, him the parent thus always right. Psychologically, I'm not sure how to deal with it. I know I sound crap and I'm sure there must be some psycho theory to explain it, but it's how I feel!

Maybe a session or two of therapy will help you sort out your feelings OP. It’s not your fault that he is how he is.

Mine made me realise that he won’t change. I had been doing duty visits and emails after I opened up wanting some emotional support and he was a nob. Last visit he was horribly rude so I’m seriously considering not bothering any more.

He has at least reached out even it it's not in the spirit you might have liked it to be - maybe consider reciprocating and see how it goes? If you're not happy, then you can go full NC.

He’s written to you so there’s nothing wrong with writing back to him.
I don’t see why you should ring him.

Writing to him is absolutely the right thing to do OP - after all he wrote to you. You will have much more control over the exchange than in an unpredictable phone call, and you will be able to say what you want without risk of getting into stuff you don't want to say or might come out sounding wrong and reactivating all the feelings of being 15 etc. Your DP is not showing much understanding of the dynamic you have with DF.
Why not write to your DF saying exactly what you have put on here, which explains how you feel really well. Then the ball is in his court - he will either consider what you have written and try and re-make a relationship or become defensive and deny. You can then decide in your own time how to respond to his reaction. Saying these things in person or on the phone will not give the same opportunity for reflection and is likely to make things worse. I do hope it works out for you.

Ignore your husband, write to him and tell him everything you have told us, and finish it with I will wait to hear from you

If it bothered him that much why doesn't HE just ring ME or make an effort to come and visit us all?

If I were you I’d write a very brief letter back making this point, and saying that when he chose to move away he must have anticipated not being as involved in each other’s lives. I’d say I was a bit surprised to get his letter as a relationship is a two-way thing and you’d assumed as he’s not in contact more often that he was happy with the status quo. That if he’d like to be in touch more you’d be delighted. Then leave the ball in his court.

What I wouldn’t do is actually tell him how hurt you are by his behaviour. Don’t let him weaponise your (very legitimate) hurt feelings. Don’t give him ammunition to throw any accusations back at you, which he will do if you tell him you’re upset by his treatment of your children.

Take care, OP.

I agree with PP, write back saying you'd be glad to see him more frequently if that's what he wants. Tell him his grandchildren would like that too. And then leave the ball in his court.

Thank you all for your replies and support. Some interesting points have been raised, however, for clarity, it was us who have moved away, not him. Although it was for DH's work, I figured that it was more hurtful to live 5 miles down the road and my dad not bother with the GC than to live 2 hours away and them not bother. At least 2 hours is a better excuse!

I think I will write back, I just need to be careful how I word things and how much I say...... I've had plenty of therapy over the years for one thing or another, probably all stemming from my childhood and I've just about accepted the way things are between us now. I don't want this and the way I choose to handle it to set me back again mentally.

Write back to him with everything you’ve said here.

I'd write personally. A conversation may escalate and you may not be heard. With a letter you get your say.

Do you want to rebuild or leave things how they are? It might be helpful to clarify in the letter what you see the relationship looking like going forward