To be confused about newborn baby visiting etiquette?

[Hamstercheeks23]

What’s in the title really! I always try and gauge it on the person, and always try being a gift for mum, dad and baby. For example a wee outfit for baby, some nice chocolate for mum and a bag of nice coffee for dad. Magazines for any other older siblings that may be around.

some examples…

When my sister had a C-section, she asked us all to pop around and as long as we made the coffees, she was happy for the company. As it’s my sister, my mum and I were fine tidying up, folding washing without asking etc, sister always said thank you and she was grateful for the help.

When SIL had my niece, she wanted a few days at home just her and my brother and the baby for visitors. Fair enough, she seemed happy and has never said anything. Don’t feel I can do things without asking at hers, so I’d always ask if there were things I can help with (and still do even though niece is 3 now!). Sometimes she’s say no thank you, sometimes it would vary from ‘can you burp her for me?’ to ‘could you do some ironing for me?’ - all good.

A close friend had a premature baby boy who was in hospital for 3 weeks after he was born. After they got home, she said she wanted some time alone seeing as they’d just got him home. I waited a month to visit as she seemed to have lots of family visiting. A lot of friends did the same, but friend later said she didn’t feel she had much support from our group(we kept in touch by text but didn’t want to interrupt the baby bubble). Offered to help with anything ger and her husband needed done whenever visiting her at home but she has a cleaner and openly said they’re lucky everything’s kept on top of.

Another friends wife gave birth in the hospital I worked in, I popped along to say hi on my break and even got to have a wee cuddle, suggested by Mum. No issues seemed to arise from this, other friends said they loved being able to show him off so soon.

Another close friend had a baby 6 months ago on the Sunday night. By the Wednesday she was asking when we were coming to visit. Myself and a friend went over on the Sunday, a week after baby was born. Offered to help clean up but friend said no. Don’t feel I could barge about and clean without asking - don’t know her house well enough and where things go (quite cluttered - no judgement)
We arrived around 2.30ish then later new mum friend suggested we get a takeaway (her husband was out at football). Had dinner, me and pal did dishes and were away by 6.30pm.

so anyway - this new mum friend posted recently on social media about folk who come to visit baby but don’t clean up, outstay their welcome, and want to hold the baby.

I wasn’t sure if this was aimed at me and other pal, but not sure. She didn’t have many visitors besides family. Anyway, it got me thinking. It’s a bit of a minefield trying to know what people want - too close, give space, too distant, not enough support. Even when asking!

In my family it’s seen as totally normal to pass newborn baby about (only if baby is relaxed though, obviously not if screaming). But aware this may not be normal for others.

anyway, just wanted to know AIBU for not knowing the etiquette? Is there a rule book written on this stuff somewhere that I’ve missed? Can’t seem to get the balance right with friends so any suggestions welcome!

I'm not great with stuff like this but I think you can't offend anyone if you

Turn up with a small gift for baby/parent - depends on how close they are but for close friends I do a patchwork blanket (works as play mat/to lie on/blanket/end of bed when they're older) and something I know the parent will like (insulated mug/nice snacks/takeaway voucher)

Short visit, ask how they are, cuddle baby if parent offers, ask if you can wash up/help in any way, tell them to text any time if they would like anything doing or bringing or want to go for a walk/coffee soon
Don't overstay

Posting on social media sounds a bit passive aggressive IF it was aimed at you (or anyone else really)! She could have said something directly. It does sound like you were there a while but at her instigation. Unless she was giving you massive hints that you'd overstayed and you missed them? Also you did clean up.
Also not sure what is so wrong with wanting to hold the baby! As long as parents are on board.

I wouldn't give it any more thought it sounds like you are a nice friend who tries to do their best. Your friend sounds a bit precious!

Gently, yabu for posting all these different anecdotes of different mums who want different things as a kind of "see! I can't do anything right!" kind of rant.

All mums are different and it's silly to expect there to be one cookie cutter etiquette that works for them all. Some want space after the birth, some don't. Hopefully they'll say, which most of your mum friends seem to have done.

And yeah, some are unreasonable, like the last friend you described, who said she wanted you to behave a certain way but later complained.

But you seem to be extrapolating that to imply all new mums are unreasonable and trying to catch you out. Yabu.

It sounds like you’re a thoughtful friend who gives people space and help as needed.

I would just ignore her but maybe not initiate any meet-ups with her for a while. See if she makes contact or wants to meet. Then if you do see her mention you saw her post and if she’s been having a tough time with visitors.

I really can’t see where OP has implied all new mums are unreasonable and trying to catch her out.

It sounds like OP is trying to be a good and thoughtful guest and has been caught off guard by a friend’s vaguebooking on social media.

So why list all the other mum's behaviours? Except to contrast them?

Newsflash, mums are all different. We don't all turn into identikit characters when we have a baby.

To me, the op reads like this:

"First this mum wanted this, then that mum wanted that! Aibu? What is the etiquette?"

She’s just giving a few examples to show she tries to respect the mother’s wishes. Nothing wrong with that.

I think you’re projecting onto the OP, which - newsflash - really isn’t fair.

Theres no fixed formula sadly.

from what you've written i read it as the NICU babys mum and the passive agressive social media mum were struggling albeit in different ways.
I cant imagine how terrifying it is to have a sick baby especially if its your first.
.

I would agree with this 100%. My in-laws aren’t close to us and don’t have the relationship where they’re comfortable enough in our house to do housework etc whereas my mum is. So my mum or sister could visit but it wouldn’t involve me needing it to be tidy, having to make cups of tea or sit and make small talk when I’m exhausted. The in-laws on the other hand didn’t offer to help at all or even bring food/takeaway, they just sat on our sofa for hours on end passing the baby about like a bag of potatoes. I was getting more and more anxious the longer it went on as I just desperately wanted her back to be able to feed her. This continued in visits after this and they’d stay for 4+ hours doing this every time. They didn’t care what state I was in as long as they got to pass the baby about. They even phoned my husband’s brother’s family and invited them over 3 hours into the visit once. I cried when they left at how awful it was and I’ll never forget how they treated me like I was just someone who had grown this baby for 9 months, purely for them to pass about.

Im now overly careful when visiting that I don’t go too early. I always send a text to check in after the first few days or a week but always wait until the 2 week mark to visit as with my section I was still hobbling about 1 week in. I always take the baby a present as well as some sort of biscuits/cakes/flowers for mum. I offer by text if they need anything and also when I visit and I really try to be away before an hour’s up. And the most blatantly obvious one is don’t kiss the baby but some people did!

Each visitor feels they are the only person to visit you and forgets you’ve sat through the same small talk with the last 5 people that day, plus the fact you can barely keep your eyes open. I don’t think people can have a big problem with just following those basic rules not to offend or upset anyone. Also the most annoying visits were the ones from people who then took nothing to do with the baby again so for these people it’s far nicer if they leave a present at the front door or drop it off with family to save yet another visit when it’s not something they’re going to do again

According to Mumsnet it's unreasonable to want to visit a new baby for at least 4 weeks. And then only for 10 minutes and through a window after spring cleaning the house.

I really can’t see where OP has implied all new mums are unreasonable and trying to catch her out.

It sounds like OP is trying to be a good and thoughtful guest and has been caught off guard by a friend’s vaguebooking on social media.

This🤞

You won't be the only visitor. Perhaps she's had others that haven't been helpful or that she's found difficult. Or family. I wouldn't automatically assume it was aimed at you.

Different people want different things. Some want to get it over with so they're not badgered, some want the bubble with no visitors until a couple of weeks into it. Some will want help and some will just want to be left to it.

Sorry just realised you said not many visitors other than family. I'd say the post was aimed at them - I'd not expect my friends to offer but I'm close with my family and even when I didn't want anything done they still offered and brought meals etc.

My advice is to ask them what suits them and work around it. Everyone’s different. My mum was an intrusive PITA when I had my first. (Looking back, some of her behaviour was utterly psychotic.) I didn’t need help with our home, had the food under control and just wanted to try and establish BF. It didn’t work in the end, but she made a stressful situation so much harder.

Sounds like you are alert to the fact people all have different preferences on how soon a visit is wanted, how long you should stay and how involved to get while there.

You also don't go empty handed and ask about these preferences which shows the new parents you respect how they want things.

I think you're being a fantastic friend and you can't do more than that.

The Facebook comment is silly for the fact that however it is aimed at won't know if it's then or not either, so it doesn't achieve much other than leave her considerate friends wondering if they've done wrong... You could ask if that was aimed at you if you felt like checking.

The friend who felt unsupported... That's probably worth a chat when an opportunity arises, as you can say you thought you were doing what you could whilst respecting her wishes, and could she tell you what she would have preferred, it might be that with a little distance she says that she was just in a bad place and no longer feels that way... But even if not it gives you a chance to understand each other and not have any residual hurt coming between you.

The others probably are still talking about how you were so considerate and not like so and so! 😁

I'm just feeding my wee little early baby now at 5am and I 100% agree with you!
I'm happy for People to visit for cuddles, I don't expect gifts etc and I love seeing friends and some family.
But other people, oh its a fecking minefield.

I just let them know I'm excited to see them when they're ready and let me know can I help etc

Some people can't wait to show off baby, others want the bubble, but unless the person says specifically what they'd like, it's so hard to navigate!

quite interesting reading the comments from you all!

not trying to catch anyone out - as I said in the post was genuinely wondering what the ‘rules’ are with this stuff but as most have stated I’ve always asked and tried to do the right thing. My brother says he always gives people just eat vouchers as he got some and they were a godsend! But that’s the point, everyone is SO different so it’s hard to know what’s expected.

I understand the point about outstaying a welcome, I only ever try and stay a short time apart from my sister. Should have mentioned the Facebook friend and other friend live a 2 hr drive away from me. Me and other friend had said we would see baby and then go elsewhere for a coffee, just to fit more into my day while I was down there - it was fb friend who asked us to stay as she wanted to come too but didn’t feel ready to leave the house yet (fair enough!).

So I text the other friend about it last night after I posted this, and turns out she asked friend about it yesterday, and friend was v vague about who it was directed at. Friend reminded fb friend that we did offer to hoover etc while we were there, and fb friend say to her that she felt awkward bossing us about and telling us to clean her home. Which I understand, but friend reminded her that it’s only us, we’re friends, not seeing it as bossing about - we would have gladly helped. Known each other for about 15 years.

Me and fb friend still speak regularly, have seen her and her son fairly recently, and she made no comments to me about friend bringing it up, apart from texting me this morning asking when I am having children to give her boy a little pal haha. So I don’t think the friendship is harmed.

I guess it’s highlighted that even when asking, people will tell you what they want at the time, which later they realise they didn’t want. And that’s fine, everyone can change their mind.

but if someone offers to clean/help, don’t say no then later get annoyed they didn’t. It’s hard if visitors/friends/family are trying to respect the wishes and then still later get told you did it wrong. Minefield!