Uncomfortable in DM’s company!

[Hereforthekickz]

Need a safe place to rant…..
My DM is a pain in the you know what and I wonder if anyone can relate.
She is definitely toxic and maybe a narc but regardless of this, I never feel completely comfortable in her company and often cringe inside when we are together. That alone doesn’t feel right.
I find her extremely difficult to get along with, rude, self centred. She has been like this for years and can’t/won’t change but I still have to vent about her behaviour at times.
Today we had a small family gathering to celebrate by DDs birthday. DM was invited along with other family members. She doesn’t know when to hold her tongue and is forever saying something inappropriate. She likes to control the conversation and it has to be about her. We were all talking and laughing about holidays and DM mentioned a holiday just me and her had taken some 20plus years ago. Instead of talking positively about it, she mentioned that I had fallen out with her one day in the holiday and how I had ignored her for hours etc. I don’t recall this at all and it’s not impossible that she has just made this up for attention or sympathy.
Then she told everyone that I can hold a grudge and will never apologise for anything that I do wrong?! She then said that I like to do what I want and have no problem putting her in her place. She then told everyone that I had fallen out with her a few weeks ago. Now this isn’t true. DM told a lie to a family member so that she could get out of a prior arrangement. She told them she had fallen and hurt her head and couldn’t stop the bleeding which wasn’t true. The family member called me as she was concerned and this put me in an awkward position. I simply told my DM that this wasn’t right and that I wouldn’t lie for her in future. DM then stopped speaking to me for a few days. Today, she asked another family member what would happen to them if they spoke to their DM that way. She said I should have respect for the fact that she is my DM and that I was disrespectful to her. She said she would have gotten a smack on the legs if she had spoken to her DM this way. I am 50 years old! At this point my FIL did try and stick up for me by saying that he had never seen me being difficult to anyone.
We were talking about how well behaved we all were as kids and laughing and joking. DM said, well you were behaved until you had that boyfriend. I told her to stop with the conversation as I knew where it was going. I had a boyfriend in my early 20s that DM didn’t like. He wasn’t right for me in the end but she wanted to control everything, even this relationship and wouldn’t let me navigate it myself. I am now nearly 50 and she is bringing it up at a birthday party. She didn’t like him because he is a man of colour. She started to say this and I cut the conversation dead and she knew not to go any further and she didn’t thankfully.
Me and my DH and DD have just returned from a holiday so we were sharing snaps etc. DM just kept saying things like, why couldn’t I come on your holiday and, oh look, there are 4 seats at that table so I could have come with you. She does this almost every time we go anywhere as a family and tries to pull it off as a joke but it’s not funny anymore.
We bought our DD some theatre tickets for her birthday and I could hear DM saying, why didn’t your Mum get me a ticket, I would have loved to see that show. She knew I was within earshot.
I hold my tongue as much as I can and then get DH to take her home when I have had enough. I just really don’t like her behaviour very much. I think we all know she is difficult.
I just know that whenever I am around her, I feel physically uncomfortable and can’t be my authentic self. Today it felt like she was just picking on me and wanting to paint me in a bad light. I don’t recognise the person she is talking about. She seems to enjoy making me feel belittled. I don’t like her as a person and my respect for her is pretty nonexistent really. She has been like this for years and it has gotten worse the older she gets. I generally go grey rock with her now and am low contact but she does come up to see my DD on birthdays and Christmas.
I just needed to put these feelings somewhere as I do tend to feel like this after every contact. It makes me feel low and she is good at making me question myself, am I really disrespectful, rude, difficult. Did I really fall out? That’s gaslighting for you!
Thanks for listening x

Please use paragraph spaces, OP.

Oh Hi OP’s mother! Read some harsh truths did you?

FFS!

Lots of people don't bother to read posts which are a wall of text. By making her posts difficult to read, she reduces the helpful feedback she can receive.

Do you always interpret a suggestion/criticism as an attack?

I have a mother like this too. It all centres round jealousy for no real reason. I know no matter what I do my mother,though she would never ever admit it enjoys my distress.She gets a kick out of putting me down.in my place and I genuinely think its down to her lack of percieved control. These women are hard work and unstable. I suggest maximum distance and minimum contact. Theres really not much else you can do if you feel you have to keep some kind of relationship. She will enjoy hurting you and confusing you it makes her feel powerful.They truly are warped individuals.

You’ll need to reduce contact even further, ideally NC, and definitely don’t have her at any family get togethers. Think of yourself and your dd now. It would be wrong to keep her in your life so that she can upset your dd. She’ll get even worse as she gets older, trust me.

@HairyMolly1 Your mother reminds me of mine with all the “I HATE”! Couldn’t watch a TV programme without a constant stream of “I HATE him! I HATE her!” Of course, if I pulled her up and said why keep on about hating people (and why hate a harmless newsreader), she’d tell me “DON’T BE NASTY”!

I’m so glad you’ve taken the time to post this as I was going to post a similar thing but chickened out because I thought I was being a sensitive AH. My Mum is the same, but more of a lying, manipulative hypocrite. I don’t see her very often now (used to be every day but now it’s once every few weeks) and as soon as I see her or just hear her voice I regret it. She’s just so tiring, she moans, she doesn’t like anything (or anyone) and sulks if you do something she doesn’t want to do yet she needs to come everywhere we go (I go out with my sisters a lot and one of them is my mums shadow). It’s so draining, so I feel for you. It makes me feel awful to feel this way because she’s my mother but I do so I’m glad I’m not the only one.

You do not need permission to lessen contact.

@Sn1859 oh my DM is the same and it sounds like you are describing her. She tells lies about the smallest of things because she is insecure. She grumbles about everything and complains about everyone. She has no friends and it’s everyone’s fault except her own.

She guilt trips, manipulates, falls out if I don’t do what she wants and she is very jealous, even of me.

She is lovely when she is getting all her needs met and lures me into a false sense of security. She covers her nasty words as jokes and blames me for not getting the joke when I get offended. She exaggerates and makes me out to be forgetful. She is demanding and rude and likes to keep me exactly where she wants me. She rarely says anything nice but she seems to want to spend all her time with me and be heavily involved in my life. You would have thought the opposite.
I understand how difficult it is to deal with a parent like this. You blame yourself constantly and feel guilty just having negative thoughts because she is your Mother and she will probably have hammered this home to you.
I want to reach out and if you ever want to talk, please do feel free to message me. You are definitely not alone.

Oh gosh, I relate to a lot of this. Not necessarily being torn apart in public, but the physical discomfort. I am quite LC with my mum and when I'm with her, my stomach churns and I normally have to excuse myself because I've got anxiety- induced diarrhea! Sometimes I feel physically sick in her company and always feel extremely tired and incredibly drained when aim with her. I'm definitely not my authentic self and am always scrabbling for moderate and neutral but upbeat and chatty conversation content and always have to carefully control my tone and facial expression.

Number one: I don't know what random offhand comment I will make that turn into an argument. I don't know what random thing I was say in passing that will evoke a snappy reaction.

Number two: I never know if she loves me or hates me. Her behaviour, tone and attitude go between the two. One minute she will be fussing over me making me tea and giving me cake the next she will speak rudely to me. For certain reasons lately, she wants to stay on my good side. She is really trying very hard to present the loving front, but it slips and I get glances of the real her and know that underneath the nice facade is the same cold, controlling, damaged woman who, quite frankly, appears to despise me.

Sometimes the way she looks at me when I speak just makes my blood boil. Or if I make a comment in conversation she will leave it hanging in the air and not respond. If I'm talking about something she isn't interested in, or something that threatens her she will give me zero feedback when I'm talking, no eye contact, no 'ummhmm', nothing and often she will start flossing her teeth or plucking her eyebrows to demonstrate just how boring she finds me. Nothing is a safe topic, like PPs have said. "Oh I had a nice avocado salad with the girls" is metnwith 'avocados are disgusting! I hate them!', or 'we had a good time at the theme park' is met with 'how awful! Sounds like my idea of hell!

Everything is just so serious and tense, either overtly or underneath. It makes me sick.

@Faradalla yep, this sounds very familiar to me.
My DH was showing the family our holiday snaps and in one, I was wearing a new dress and I loved it. It was a v neck dress and, instead of just saying “that’s a nice dress” . She made a point of saying that it was a low v neck and was mocking. It sounds like I am being touchy doesn’t it! But honestly, I don’t take myself seriously and can laugh at jokes but you just get that uncomfortable feeling that she knows she is about to offend you and that on the back of the joke is the part that she means.
We once had a conversation about making ourselves look youthful and she said “ the only thing you need to change is that wart thing under your chin. I would get that seen too”!! She is such a sweet lady.

I also can take a joke and me and my husband tease eachother and its all very good humoured. In fact, nothing makes me laugh as much as my husband's impression of me. I 'do' him and we fall into fits of giggles, crying with laughter sometimes too. I think teasing can be a sweet part of a very stable, solid, loving relationship, because you feel secure enough to laugh at yourself with the person that you know loves you no matter what.

With my mother, it's different. It's not coming from a place of love.its coming from somewhere else. Its to make me feel small; it's done to be hurtful. The last time I got upset, her face twisted and she said 'I forgot. You've no sense of humour. Never had'. Another one is 'Oh, I forgot nobody can say anything to you'.

She can then, in the next conversation tell me how well I'm looking. It confuses me so much. I remember in my twenties I was sitting at the table wearing a fitted t shirt and jeans. She poked some tiny roll of fat and and said 'porky'. I was 8 stone 4 and I know this because I remember thinking how she had told me I was too thin a few months previous, when I was that exact weight. Always too something. Hair too long and straggly. Hair too short. Then hair looks great. You need to go on a diet. Do you want ice cream? Etc etc I can't keep up. Sometimes she is so attentive, listens, responds in a really engaged and normal way and then a few days later I'll tell her something and she'll just say 'oh'.

I can't keep up! It's stressful.

Sounds the same as mine except for the horrible things she says. I’ll get a few quips here and there but she doesn’t go out of her way to be nasty, more of a sarcastic comment here and there. I think having a few siblings helps because I’ve heard it all so it’s water off a ducks back. I’m the only fat one, with glasses and has been single for god knows how many years (10,11) so I’ve heard it all and have done forever.
To be fair I can’t fault her because she’ll do anything we ask, she picks my kids up from anywhere and everywhere at any time as I don’t have a car and is here at the drop of a hat but she moans and goes on constantly because she doesn’t really want to do any of it but she offers. I live a peaceful life with my two teens. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t need the stress!!

I could have written this. Solidarity, OP

Google 'grey rock' and see if that works for you

OP, I've been there. All I have to say is this- are you happy that your child sees her treating you this way?

It's the main reason why I rarely see my Mother- because once I had children, I simply could not tolerate the way she spoke or behaved in front of my children.

I didn't want them exposed to that level of unpleasantness. Family or not.