I think my mum is a narcissist....

[mumofteens39]

Hi, I am 39 with 2 teenage kids. My mum has never shown much interest in them and even offered money for an abortion with my 2nd. She visits her nephew's children weekly and buys them presents. If ever I discuss an idea with her she is negative and unsupportive. I appreciate feedback and pointing out problems etc but she never says anything nice at all. I have a degree and when I graduated, all she did was ask what I was going to do considering I had 2 children. If I ever try and discuss anything about her lack of support or disinterest in her grandchildren she just says if I'm going to start this again she is going! I have felt very hurt at times particularly when she heaps praise on others and sometimes it seems like she is doing it on purpose. I feel like a disappointment. I asked her to babysit once (just for my eldest) many years ago as I had to go for a hospital appointment. She refused and said I shouldn't have had her if I can't look after her! She seems to be getting worse, it's just constant negativity and moaning every time I see her. My husband has been offered the chance to move across the country for a great job and I just feel like going and not telling her so i don't have to listen to her droning on about all the negatives and I'm selfish etc.... anyone have any ideas?

She sounds awful OP. I know just how hard it is to cut ties but there are usually at least some redeeming qualities. Your mother doesn't deserve anymore of your time.

Forgot to add that she always wants help from my husband to take her places and he's completely pee'd off with and says she hasn't helped us or bothered with her grandchildren all their lives.

Thank you.....I am struggling for the redeeming qualities to be honest!

She sounds awful. Go no contact (NC).
Move if it’s the best thing for you and your family.

https://outofthefog.website/

You don’t have to take this. You can chose not to see her. She’s not a mother to you anyway by the sounds of it. The move across country could be a great way to distance yourself and make it more natural to cut ties if you don’t feel able where you are now. Whether you move or not she doesn’t seem to have your best interest at heart. Likely your children will be next to feel her disdain if they haven’t yet.

Just move away.

She sounds like a nasty woman but not narcissistic. Narcissism is quite specific and from what you've written I don't think she fits but that's actually irrelevant, she's not bringing anything positive to your life, makes you miserable so leave her to look after herself, go build a new life with your dh and dc, they are your family now and you can be very happy without her. Make the move, be strong, make new friends, fill your life with people who make you feel good and you'll be much happier

Woman's Hour (radio programme) had a few features on narcissistic mothers recently:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/1yQs3vM2HRN0w7HxhyBMSnc/for-40-years-i-thought-it-was-my-fault-coming-to-terms-with-our-narcissistic-mother

You will see that one of the sisters they speak too felt she was a disappointment and
that everything was her fault until she realised that it wasn't.

Like DoggyDarling says, your mother might not be narcissistic but she certainly seems to be very selfish and self absorbed. Moving away would create some distance between you, as well as all the positives from your husband's new job. Your children won't miss her as she has only been a grandmother in name to them.

I have cut all ties with my elderly mother. Her solicitor now deals with her as she is in care home.

I wish I had done it 30 years ago when my sister did.

She was diagnosed with anti social personality disorder last year. At the very least she is a narcissist.

After enduring my mums behaviour for 34 years I seen the final
straw with things recently I took my daughter round who is 6 and my mother said “oooh looks like your getting cellulite on your legs” I lost it stopped the convo and shortly shuffled everyone back into the car I was so hurt to see she was projecting the same stuff she used to do to me as a kid!

run as fast as you can and don’t look back xx

What a wonderful opportunity for your family. I suggest your DH takes the job and you start afresh well away from this awful woman.

Yup move away! Will probably make you feel so much better, she doesn't help you anyway so you don't need her.

Ask yourself how you would feel if I waved a magic wand and made her disappear from your life. If you'd feel relieved, you might feel better by going no contact.

Gosh what awful stories about mums, it makes you wonder what on earth is going on in their heads? I can’t imagine ever saying or doing anything deliberately cruel to my kids and would do anything for them and in time their children/families. How do these women end up resenting or disliking or feeling jealous of their own children? the babies you carried inside you, that were part of your body. It’s just awful.

op, you have a perfect opportunity to get space with no explanation required. Going nc is an oft used Mumsnet phrase but in real life people don’t just do that. I know from bitter experience that it’s incredibly difficult and often harder for the instigator than the recipient. But you have an opportune ticket to freedom here, and I’d grab it with both hands. I can’t see any way that you could regret it.

block her on both yours and your hubby's phones as well as house phone and social media, you dont need this. hubby should take the job and you should all move away. let her stew in her own juice!! I have been through this with my own mum and honestly the relief I felt was unbelievable!