I've changed username for this. Mumsnet will be able to see that I change it for most of my posts as I don't want anyone identifying me in real life.
I'm not really sure why I'm posting this but I kind of just feel like I need to get it all of my chest. I'm also worried that I'm not normal because of previous situations.
I was SA by my father when I was a child, I didn't report it to the police until I was an adult due to circumstances but even then the CpS decided there wasn't enough evidence so it didn't go anywhere. I'm really proud of my self for reporting it though and it really helped me to put closure on it even though it didn't go to court. I mention this as I think it has a big part in the rest of my post.
When I was a teenager I had such bad anxiety, I hated myself and thought everybody hated me too. The way I got around this was by overly flirting with boys. I thought that if they liked me then I meant something.
My first time losing my virginity happened by meeting a boy when I was out with one friend when I was 15. We were walking round town and a car pulled up. We got chatting to the two boys inside and things led on from there, lots of texting etc. I remember being in a history lesson and the boy text me saying he would pick me up from school in his car that night, he said that I better bring condoms and be ready for the night as he didn't want to mess around. He was 21. I felt nervous but went along with it because I thought it meant I was cool because he was older and had an interest in me. When I got back to his that night with my best friend (who sat downstairs) we went up to his bedroom and I slept with him. It hurt and I didnt enjoy it. When I woke up I noticed blood on the sheets and was mortified. What I didn't realise was that he had also befriended some other girls from my school so the next school day I walked in to being laughed at and bullied by most of the girls. He has told everybody that I bled and never contacted me again. I was devastated.
The next experience I had was at prom night. I got very drunk with my friends. When prom finished we went in to town with a big group of friends. Whilst there I met a guy. He was friends with my friends, he was 25 and I later found out was wanted as he had absconded from the army. I remember saying good bye to my friends and saying I was going to walk home. He lived in the same estate so said he would walk me. We walked down an alleyway and I remember stopping to kiss him. Shortly after this I passed out, I woke to him carrying me and passed out again. The next thing I remember was being in his bed and him undressing me. I woke the next morning having no idea what had happened other than knowing we had had sex due to the pain. I walked home without waking hjm.
I recently spoke to my DH about these situations and he thinks it's awful. I just feel like it was my own responsibility for putting myself in these situations. I've always felt that my only worth is whether men want to sleep with me or not. What else could they want from me? I love my husband but we have an issue with intimacy. I think it's because I struggle with associating love with intimacy. I just feel like I'm a freak and I don't deserve anybody to love me.