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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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4 replies

Rainie130 · 25/08/2023 21:03

Following the recent passing of the man who I believed to be my father, I discovered some documents that threw everything into doubt.
I found the documents from my birth that were in my mother's first husbands name.
I have a copy of my birth certificate, (although not an original copy) which I obtained in my early 20's in.order to apply for a passport. The man who I have known to be my father is named on that document.
I discussed my findings with a family member who found out via the registry office that my birth was originally registered in my mother's maiden name. It was then changed to my mother's former husband's name, and subsequently changed to my father's name. I don't have the dates that these changes took place and cannot get any original copies as the latter copy supercedes all previous certificates.
It also came to.light that my mother was still married to her former husband when my younger brother was born. We were always led to believe that she was married to my 'father' at that point.
I have not contact with my mother in a number of years due to the horrendous physical abuse that I was subjected to as a child, which eventually led to me going into care.
I feel that I need to confront my mother about what I know. She is now elderly and very frail. I know that meeting with her and discussing the matter is not going to happen. Would I be unreasonable to send her a letter with my findings? I also wonder if the reason for her behaviour towards ne is because of what she may have been hiding.
As my father has been cremated, a DNA test from him is not possible. I know that my brother would agree to it, but I'm not sure that I'm truly.prepared for the results.
Perhaps I'm just wanting the confrontation with my mother, and to see how she is going to explain why I was registered 3 times.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 25/08/2023 21:12

I’d do a DNA on Ancestry or similar, and see what comes up. She may not tell you the truth even if you ask her.

Lavender14 · 25/08/2023 21:31

I'm sorry op, that's a lot to try and unravel and all very emotional stuff as well. I think a letter to your mother is a good place to start- writing it might help you identify exactly what you want/ need from her and then you can decide if it's something you want to send/revise and send or if there's things you'd rather talk about directly in person. Would there be any other relatives or close friends of your mums living who might be able to give you answers if you didn't feel able to ask her? I agree with the pp that you'd need to be prepared that she wouldn't be truthful or might even be hostile given how she's treated you in the past- she might be in a place where she wants to forget that and write herself a new narrative or she might not. But better you go in prepared and have support around you regardless of your next steps. Would the local authority you were placed with be able to give you any more info?

You could do the dna test and then open the results when and if you feel ready.

Ultimately you're still you - biology aside, we're each a collection of all the moments and memories and personality that's grown over a lifetime and noone can change your identity but you, if you choose to, but I understand this is still very unsettling. Would counselling or talking to a friend you trust maybe help you process? I hope you get some answers and that they're helpful to you in getting closure.

CherrySocks · 25/08/2023 21:36

You can check the three birth registrations on the GRO index.
General Register Office - Online Ordering Service - Login (gro.gov.uk)
Check under each surname, it will also show mother's maiden name.
You need to register - it's free.

CaroleSinger · 25/08/2023 21:38

I wouldn't be surprised if revealing what you have found results in your mother telling you absolutely nothing. Being an abuser (now a frail elderly abuser) she will probably derive power from one last turn of the screw to torment you further. I can't see a confrontation giving you the peace of mind you need, if anything it will probably make you feel worse. Which leaves the alternative of moving on and accepting that not knowing the truth is all a part of the cruelty you were raised with. I'm sorry you're going through this sweetheart, it's truly unfair learning this has been kept from you a whole lifetime xx

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