Grandad needs proper care?

[Sunshine88889]

Hope I don't get flamed for this. Just wanting to see if AIBU or if people agree that something needs to change and proper care is provided?

Backstory - 2 years ago, DH's grandad moved in with DH's mum (his daughter) after his wife died. Sold the house, mortgage was paid off etc. Grandads in his early 90's now and unfortunately has early onset dementia so can't be left alone for long periods of time.
MIL still works and does random hours so when she's not at home they employ "sally" who is a family friend to care for him.
IMO Sally is a bit cheeky because she has another job as a tutor so she will text us asking us to go round to see grandad to give him his lunch, sit with him if she's away for long periods of time. We live a few streets away so we are often asked to do this. It often falls on me as I WFH so easier to pop round.
We don't mind helping out a bit as grandad is a lovely man and MIL does a lot for us but we have 2 kids under 5 and both work full time so time is of a premium.

Anyway, it's come to a head this weekend because Sally has unfortunately had a death in the family and needs to travel back to her home town. MIL is on holiday abroad until Sunday! So between, me, DH and DH's sister (who has 4 kids) we're covering the care Friday -Sunday between us. This involves sleeping round the house as he can't be left alone at night, making sure he eats and sometimes dealing with toilet incidents, which I feel really bad for, as he's such a proud man : (
It's not such of an issue this weekend as we only have stuff planned locally but for previous bank holidays we've been away so it's lucky we're around.

I said to DH when MIL gets back we need to sit down with her and suggest proper care is needed from a professional provider as Sally is too unreliable. DH thinks it's fine and it's just a one off but I worry one time we'll have to say no to Sally and something will happen to grandad. As far as we know, he's still got the money from the house sale (MIL is power of attorney) so he could pay for professional Carer's.
Grandad also has a son who lives 30 mins away but doesn't help out at all, finds any excuse and wasn't able to help this weekend.

Reading this back, it does feel like I'm being taken advantage of a bit but also we do care for grandad so don't want him to suffer.
Thoughts?!

I think you sound heartless. Even a professional carer would need time off to deal with a death in the family. (At 90 he hasn't got early onset dementia)

I'd say a carer that your Grandad likes and gets on with is worth quite a bit.

I'd also say that don't imagine there will be some perfect bulletproof care scenario that will not make demands of anyone. That doesn't exist.

Im a bit more worried about your MIL - how is she coping? What would she like?

id talk to your MIL about respite care, but also about keeping Sally on but adding to the team? See if there are more people who would like very flexible hours of this type.

I don’t think you sound heartless at all! Infact anything but ! I can see what you mean that this latest absence of Sally’s although for a very valid reason has just been the tail end of many requests to “ pop round” . Popping out anywhere when you’ve got little kids isn’t straight forward! In and out of pushchairs/ cars, someone is napping/ tantrums/ unwell etc. I think Sally is having her cake and eating it by taking the money for both jobs. I would agree that a better arrangement needs to be in place. However if he needs a night carer that can get really expensive and it might be that he’s better in a care setting and also from a safety view point. Early stages of dementia is just the stage it is at for that individual I thought rather than it being related to age?

It depends on what hours Sally is paid for, is she allowed proper breaks, holidays etc. One carer is unlikely to be able to cope and perhaps you need another person to dovetail in with her hours.

I think the issue here is Sally's unreliability, and her taking money to act as carer but then contacting you 'often' to pop round and cover for her! A death in the family is a valid reason to be away for a few days but I would be concerned at the amount of time you are having to cover for someone who is paid to be there!

Early stages of dementia is just the stage it is at for that individual I thought rather than it being related to age?

Of course dementia has a disease process and has early stages but early onset dementia is a different thing and is when someone is diagnosed before 65.

OP, has your grandad had a social services assessment and a financial assessment.

Would getting another carer to work as well as Sally? You don't have to go through an agency and could advertise locally

I do think it's fair that family should try and support though, especially if MIL is working, caring for her dad AND giving the OP lots of help like she says in the OP.

I think yes to a professional carer because Sally doesn't sound reliable if she has another job and is asking for cover regularly.

I think you also need to be aware that with a professional carer, the family will still be asked to help when needed.

Even if you had 'proper' care in place, if your MIL normally does overnights, it would be hard to get someone overnight at short notice. And possibly really distressing to him to have a stranger providing intimate care at night.

Normally you have someone go in a set amount of days/times.

This is an issue with caring for people at home unfortunately - scrabbling around when the full time carer is off.

You mentioned the money from the sale of the house - is your MIL also claiming attendance allowance on his behalf? It's quite a decent sum

I think it would be useful to know what the actual contract is with Sally. What hours did she agree to work? Was it set hours or ad hoc? Maybe she isn't cheeky if it was just supposed to be a casual arrangement?

And no you don't sound remotely heartless.

@slopsan , I think you sound heartless with that response.
@Sunshine88889 I have been in your MIL’s situation, my dad lived with me after my mum died for over three years until his death and he needed the sort of care you speak about.
The first thing you all need to do is register with your GPs as his carers, when I did this I was introduced to various agencies who were very helpful. There are allowances grandad and your mum can claim which will help a little towards the cost of care. We had a free carer once a week from Crossroads care for 3 hours to give me a break and we employed a cleaner a couple of times a week which was someone around and cheaper than a carer although they won’t provide personal care obviously.
Sally doesn’t sound like she’s very reliable and you need reliable! Whatever you do don’t fall into the trap of losing the relationship you have with grandad because he just becomes a strain. It’s important to everyone that you can all enjoy the time you spend together.
At a minimum you need (as we had) someone coming in to get him up, washed and dressed and also coming in to get his lunch. If that is covered then Sally can pop in to keep him company.
You and your MIL are doing an amazing job.
P.S.
I have a useless brother who pretty much abandoned dad and I when I refused to put him in a home, my sympathy to you in that respect.

"Sally is a bit cheeky because she has another job as a tutor so she will text us asking us to go round to see grandad to give him his lunch, sit with him if she's away for long periods of time." Is Sally being paid to care for your grandfather while this is happening?

Getting a professional sitter to work random hours is always going to be a bit of a problem. It sounds as though MIL needs more than one "Sally" to step in.

And yes, it sounds as if he should have £ left from his house sale. He should also be getting Attendance Allowance at the higher rate if he needs care at night.

I don’t think she sounds heartless at all - it’s not easy dealing with someone with dementia, and especially being asked to pop round at odd times when she is WFH and has little ones of her own to look after. I’m sure you know that he’s going to get worse as his illness progresses, so I think you’re absolutely right that now is the time to talk to MIL, not just about a carer, but also about what you will do when he can no longer be managed at home - and with the best will in the world, it will almost certainly reach such a point.

Thanks for all of these responses so far, lots of really useful info, I can research and pass on to MIL.
Apologies, if I didn't come across as sympathetic to Sally, I am sorry her family member died and wouldn't expect her not to go home in these circumstances.

Yes, Sally is paid from the grandads money but it's a very loose, casual arrangement, likely to be cash in hand no contract etc. I don't think she has any qualifications in care.

In terms of the dementia diagnosis, I've not been privy to any medical records or appts , MIL just said he is suffering from this and some of his behaviours I've seen tie up from my limited experience.

Also just to clarify, he's not my grandad, he's my husbands. Although I've known him for 15+ years so he is close family to me.

In my experience professional agencies can be very hit and miss and having a couple of individuals that know the person well is better. Or one of the more expensive agencies that only do hour long visits.

Sally needs to agree to do regular hours and have agreements in place for sick leave, annual leave etc. You could get another carer in to cover that but I don't don't its right that she can text you on the day and ask you to step in.

The overnight is more complicated, as if he really can't be left between bedtime and a morning visit then you would need to arrange respite for when MIL goes away - either in a care home or a very expensive live in carer. Was Sally going to be staying with him the whole time she was away? That seems a lot to ask of an informal carer.

In terms of the dementia diagnosis, I've not been privy to any medical records or appts , MIL just said he is suffering from this and some of his behaviours I've seen tie up from my limited experience Don’t think anyone’s questioning the dementia diagnosis. It’s just that if he had early onset dementia, ie dementia that started before he was 65, he would be vanishingly unlikely to still be alive nearly 30 years later.

Many people erroneously use the term “early onset dementia” when they mean the early stages of ordinary dementia. Sounds like MIL is one of them

Does he need 24/7 care? Some nursing homes are excellent and are well worth looking into if so.

It is a horrible thought I know, I struggled with my Grandma and Grandad (both with dementia )both going into residential care. It was getting to the point though where they were unsafe to leave on their own for even 5/10 mins.

Failing that I really recommend a professional company, they are insured and go through proper training. Some even do 24/7 'sits'.

It's hard it really is because you want what's best but you're never really sure what it is.