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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Divorce & finances

21 replies

AndThenItWas · 25/08/2023 08:01

More of a what would you do than an AIBU. Some details changed slightly. This is long, sorry.

Been with my husband for about 8 years, married for a good chunk of that and we have a toddler together.

I bought the house 15 years ago on my own when I used to earn a decent salary.

I now work a just above minimum wage job and earn less than £18k. I work part time due to childcare and health issues (which I’m not eligible for any support for).

I want to separate.

Neither of us could afford to take on the current mortgage payments on our own, so we’d have to sell. We’d be left with maybe £70k each, but I wouldn’t be able to get a mortgage on a new place on my own due to low salary.

I will have too much in savings from the house sale to be eligible for any sort of universal credit. Rents round here on a two bed would be higher than our current mortgage.

In a few years of renting all of my money will be gone and I’ll have no deposit for buying somewhere else, so nothing to show for 15 years of paying a mortgage. Plus no money to help my child in the future (with e.g. buying a car, university etc).

What would you do? Stay and be unhappy or leave and have no money?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 25/08/2023 08:25

Speak to a solicitor. Do not agree to anything until you’ve done that.

DustyLee123 · 25/08/2023 08:28

And no I wouldn’t stay, and neither should you.
Start by saving up all your shopping points like Tesco etc. Get your wage and child benefit paid into your own account.
And don’t worry about university, plenty of kids either don’t go as they see the benefits of an apprenticeship, or they go and work PT.

user1492757084 · 25/08/2023 08:32

Seek advice but look at all options at both retaining home ownership.
Can you invest in a home that can have two flats?
Can you put on a granny flat and keep living near each other and paying off mortgage? (Sell when more equity)
Can you keep the home and rent it out to pay it off while one of you lives with kids in a smaller rental and the other moves in with parents?
Can you buy two cheaper houses in another town?

GabriellaMontez · 25/08/2023 08:37

Where did the 70k figure come from?

Is it a 50 50 split? Many divorces don't split this way. You need advice from a solicitor about what would be appropriate for your individual situation.

Of course you'll have to pay for a solicitor but it will be an investment.

Original poster
AndThenItWas · 25/08/2023 14:01

Thanks all.

It's a 2 bed flat - so no option to extend etc

The £70k figure is based on an equal split of current property value minus what's left on mortgage.

I would want to split things equally as that's the right thing to do - he's not a bad person and is the father of my child.

Neither of us have family we can move in with and moving to a cheaper area isn't really an option for me as I don't want to move too far away from my family.

I just feel trapped. If money wasn't an issue I'd be leaving.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 26/08/2023 08:40

You want things to be equal?

Has he also taken a large salary cut to look after your child? Did both of your pensions take a hit?

Will you both continue in min wage jobs and share childcare equally (after separation)?

PineappleYikes · 26/08/2023 09:02

Unless there is abuse, I'd probably stay. Being poor is very stressful. Maybe rebuild your career and then leave.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/08/2023 09:04

As @GabriellaMontez details, equal may not be fair in your case.

British Law,correctly, accounts for career sacrifice in couples with children.

I get spousal maintenance from my ex because of it, and my mortgage included it at 67% in my mortgage offer.

A friend went for a clean break (again similar situation) so got 80 % of the assets.

Have you included child maintainance in your figures?

Have you discussed yet how child care will be split, because if he's a good guy (my ex does more now than when we were together) , you may have a chance to work more.

Shared ownership.
Lodger.
Temporarily move area.
Nesting.
Mesher Order.

Original poster
AndThenItWas · 26/08/2023 09:35

GabriellaMontez · 26/08/2023 08:40

You want things to be equal?

Has he also taken a large salary cut to look after your child? Did both of your pensions take a hit?

Will you both continue in min wage jobs and share childcare equally (after separation)?

Yes, I want things to be equal. For me it's what is morally right.

He is a low earner too and I don't want him to end up with nothing or not enough to live on.

Even if I took all the equity I still couldn't afford a new home on my own in the SE. We were recently refused a joint mortgage so we're both financially screwed if we separate.

OP posts:
Original poster
AndThenItWas · 26/08/2023 09:37

PineappleYikes · 26/08/2023 09:02

Unless there is abuse, I'd probably stay. Being poor is very stressful. Maybe rebuild your career and then leave.

I don't think I can rebuild my career. Maybe I'm being too negative but I don't think my health is good enough to go back to a demanding high powered role. I can barely cope as a part time receptionist.

OP posts:
Original poster
AndThenItWas · 26/08/2023 09:39

PineappleYikes · 26/08/2023 09:02

Unless there is abuse, I'd probably stay. Being poor is very stressful. Maybe rebuild your career and then leave.

There isn't abuse as such - just misery. There's no joy left in my life and we argue in front of our child. I don't want him to grow up wishing his parents would split up like I did with mine. It's damaging him witnessing what's going on already.

OP posts:
Original poster
AndThenItWas · 26/08/2023 09:40

And we're already poor and struggling to make ends meet. Our mortgage payments are crippling us and we can't get a new one. Every month we don't have enough to make ends meet.

OP posts:
StrongTea · 26/08/2023 09:42

Is renting going to cost more, are the arguments because of money?

arethereanyleftatall · 26/08/2023 09:42

Ah, this is quite an unusual situation then I think - you were the higher earner, but also the one who gave up their career for childcare? Why didn't he? Probably irrelevant anyway.

I'd see a solicitor op.

You can't be miserable for twenty years, that would be silly.

Original poster
AndThenItWas · 26/08/2023 13:02

StrongTea · 26/08/2023 09:42

Is renting going to cost more, are the arguments because of money?

Yes, renting would cost more.

The arguments are not just about money. Lots has gone wrong in our lives in the last year or so.

OP posts:
Original poster
AndThenItWas · 26/08/2023 13:04

arethereanyleftatall · 26/08/2023 09:42

Ah, this is quite an unusual situation then I think - you were the higher earner, but also the one who gave up their career for childcare? Why didn't he? Probably irrelevant anyway.

I'd see a solicitor op.

You can't be miserable for twenty years, that would be silly.

It was my decision. I was made redundant when pregnant and then became unwell. While I'm not disabled or eligible for help, I'm not the person I was before and don't have the energy to work more than the 30 hours I already do, or to have a role that is too demanding.

OP posts:
Workawayxx · 26/08/2023 13:11

Could you find out how much universal credit you’d be entitled to if living in the flat alone? Could your H rent a studio flat/bedsit/room in a house then you swap in and out of your flat/rented place while each of you has your ds so he doesn’t have to go anywhere. You both continue to contribute to the mortgage and split the equity in future? Or look into shared ownership as at least that would be secure housing.

Iwasafool · 26/08/2023 13:13

AndThenItWas · 26/08/2023 09:35

Yes, I want things to be equal. For me it's what is morally right.

He is a low earner too and I don't want him to end up with nothing or not enough to live on.

Even if I took all the equity I still couldn't afford a new home on my own in the SE. We were recently refused a joint mortgage so we're both financially screwed if we separate.

Show quote history

I understand, I know lots won't, but I did the same when I divorced with two kids. Solicitor said he'd get me "everything" and I just said I didn't want my kids seeing me with a house and dad living in a grotty flat or house share. It is a bit different as we could both just about afford to buy somewhere just not quite such a nice area and much smaller.

Are there any shared ownership schemes that would work for you?

My husband (2nd marriage) is disabled and I know from experience how health issues and money can impact on a relationship. The old saying, "When poverty comes in through the door love flies out through the window" is often true in my experience. It is a difficult situation and I wish there was a magic solution we could offer. I hope you can work something out.

Original poster
AndThenItWas · 26/08/2023 13:16

Workawayxx · 26/08/2023 13:11

Could you find out how much universal credit you’d be entitled to if living in the flat alone? Could your H rent a studio flat/bedsit/room in a house then you swap in and out of your flat/rented place while each of you has your ds so he doesn’t have to go anywhere. You both continue to contribute to the mortgage and split the equity in future? Or look into shared ownership as at least that would be secure housing.

Living in the flat alone I would get no help from UC. UC doesn't really support mortgage holders. I've completed benefits calculators using different scenarios and I can't afford to keep the current mortgage or get a new one.
The only option is to rent until the money runs out and then I'd get UC. I think that's what I'm going to do as I can't keep living like this. We're not even talking to each other at the moment - it's just so toxic and depressing.

OP posts:
Original poster
AndThenItWas · 26/08/2023 13:22

@Iwasafool thank you. ♥️

OP posts:
greyhairnomore · 26/08/2023 15:34

I think if you're really miserable, unfortunately you'll have to let the house go.
Would you be eligible for social housing?

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