rendezvous

[JJF27]

i don’t know what to think or do, and looking for some advice. thought mumsnet could help.

my husband and I have been married for 16 years. we’ve had our good times and our less good times, but until today i’d say generally happy and definitely solid.

the other day my husband said he was going out with work one night in a couple of weeks. nothing that unusual in that. neither of us have major social lives, but both tend to go out 2-3 times a month with a mix of friends and work, both old and new.

but tonight, completely randomly their linkedin account showed up on the family ipad. Turns out they aren’t going out with work, as they had very clearly suggested, but an old female colleague from many years ago who it turns out he used to party quite regularly with.

They’ve never mentioned this person before, and we’ve always been - to the best of my knowledge - open about who we’re going out with. and i can honestly say, that i’m not a jealous or possessive person.

there’s nothing directly incriminating in the messages, but they are definitely a little bit fun and flirty. and there is a reference to a lot of other messages having being deleted.

He conceded he should have said they were meeting this person, and didn’t know why he hadn’t (something about having never mentioned them before) but say it was only as friends, and that nothing has happened before. which i have to believe, because as i can probably track back most of their previous nights out - at least recently - and it’s not likely there was time or opportunity for a secret affair.

but why lie about this? was it going to be something else? surely you don’t have those types of meetings if your not thinking about something extra (sorry don’t know how else to say it).

right now i’m in shock. i always totally trusted this person, and now that feels broken? i know there are a lot worse things that happen, but can i really trust them again?

what do i do. what do i say’?

JJF, I too would feel so betrayed. This is unacceptable line-crossing.

Your H had an secret agenda to meet up with this OW and he lied to you to hide it. You’ve seen some of their ‘fun and flirty’ chat, but he has deleted many other messages, which is telling.

It sounds like they’ve been investing in a buzzy flirtation which has escalated to plans to meet up at night. H will be enjoying the flattery and ego-boosts. There’s an illicit energy there, hence his dishonesty and blocked transparency. A strictly platonic friendship would not engender such devious lying and disrespect.

JJF, he can downplay til the cows come home, but he has crossed your boundaries and that is key. You need to get very angry and be clear that he has seriously breached your trust and damaged your relationship. This is all on him. If he is truly remorseful, he will accept responsibility for his faithless behavior, come clean with the full story, cut off OW, explore his need for illicit validation, and provide transparency with his devices. Don’t allow him to manipulate you with minimizing and blame-shifting.

Keep posting for support, JJF.

Your use of the third person plural is a bit confusing. Was it just your DH meeting up with this woman or your DH, her and other colleagues as well ?

Sounds like he may have had a thing for her previously but nothing happened.
He's definitely betrayed your trust and I'd let him know this.

If he has been secretly meeting up with her over a prolonged period, then yes, I think it is a concern. You can only trust someone if they prove themselves to be trustworthy!

Thank you. you reply is very reassuring. it’s good to know i’m not being unreasonable - which what i seemed to being told.

just DH and women! thank you for message.

he’s says this was to be the first meet, so technically has done anything, but i just can’t shake the intent from my mind, and betrayal of trust. thanks for responding.

JJF, he says that he hasn’t done anything wrong because they haven’t met up, but the lead-up itself has been a transgression. They’ve been flirting and building a connection with plans to meet, and he’s been fooling you with lies of commission and omission to throw you off the scent. That is all kinds of wrong.

His manipulative response to being rumbled is to shift the blame by accusing you of being ‘unreasonable.’ It doesn’t bode well that he is dismissing your feelings and refusing to acknowledge his wrongdoing. He is unremorseful.

JJF, I would tell him that he has much to lose … that you are reconsidering your relationship as a result of his wayward behavior, dishonesty, and callous disregard.

Has he agreed to cut contact with the OW?

thank you. today he has agreed no contact. And seems to accept what he has done is wrong. but that’s an easy response. he can’t answer why he thought this was ok in the first place, or why he did it. i just feel so betrayed. i don’t want to overreact. but this is not ok. i have been clear. there is not a simple way forward. thank you for your response. it’s really helpful.