To be unhappy with this

[evrey]

I work 48 hours a week for pretty much a minimum wage , I work 4 days of 12 hour shifts. My DH is self employed and looks after the DC on my work days . He earns considerably more an hour than I do.
He has been very financially unreliable, in the past , so I cannot reduce my hours as my job fully covers my rent and bills, which I always pay.
He works every single day that I don't , and when the kids are in school he works school hours too. We never have a day off together! If I take annual leave he just works through it . His money goes on whatever he wants to buy . Tattoos etc although he does buy a little tobacco that we both smoke he doesn't contribute towards the rent or bills He also gets all of the benefits aimed at the children, which he does spend on them. Although I do pay half of uniforms ,birthday and Christmas presents etc.
We never see each other , he is uninterested in a sexual relationship, is never honest about what he has earned and is happy for me to not have a penny whilst he is having a full sleeve of tattoos done
Yet when I broach it he will have a tantrum raise his voice, storm off, ignore me for hours and eventually just tell me to play the cards I have been dealt.
We split for a few months a few years ago and he messed with my Dc head badly so I am trying to work on my marriage, my DC are too fragile for another break up
He can see I'm unhappy and pesters me as to why,but when I tell him he isn't interested and just shouts me down , always makes me out to be the bad guy.
I honestly am at the point where I don't know if I'm a mug or just a nag. Either way I'm exhausted.

Your DC will only get more fragile living in this atmosphere.
This is the model they will use in their relationships as adults.
You need to get them and yourself out of this situation.
You deserve better.

I know this deep down I suppose but he becomes so nasty when we split up last time especially to the Dc who adore him. Thank you for replying.

You ask if it's reasonable to be unhappy with this? Yes of course, because it's a horrible way to treat someone you supposedly love. The Mumsnet word for him is cocklodger. Freeloader also works.

The good news is you can manage the rent and bills on your own. Does that run to food? You'd qualify for a council tax reduction if he wasn't there, what about any other bills?

The atmosphere will improve when he's gone, and the children will get to see you modelling what's an acceptable way to be an adult.

I think you know what needs to be done. I'm sorry you have to do it.

Sounds like you are getting nothing out of this relationship except a bit of shared childcare

Do your dc ever see him shout you down?
How old are they?
Why does he pay nothing at all towards rent and bills?! Is the tenancy just in your name?

Splitting up is not easy, but imagine how much better your life would be without him living there

Can you put up with this for years and years to come? I couldn't, and you shouldn't have to

If you split , who would look after the children while did your 12 hour shift?

So you're married to an unreliable freeloader who is happy to see you pay all the bills and watch you struggle while he wastes money on tattoos. He is indifferent to your worries, offers no affection or care, and refuses to compromise.

For goodness sake leave before your children learn that is an acceptable relationship. You will be far happier apart from him.

You say he became nasty after you split the last time.. but he is nasty ALL the time right now!
So how will being without him be worse?
You will not have to deal with his tantrums... do you tolerate this behaviour from anyone else?
You will know, to the penny, how your money is working out.. it will be cheaper to live without him, council tax reduction, energy, food bills etc.
He is a bully and a coward. Dont expose your dc to this.. it will affect them for their entire lives. And however upset they are when you throw him out, they will have you... and you are strong... stronger than you can imagine right now.
This is how women survive ... we are strong.

This exactly :(

So, just to clarify .... yiu will continue to put up with this shit for the sake of having childcare?
And this wont affect your kids....
And they wont realise what is going on....
And this situation/atmosphere wont affect them..

Really?

Why doesn’t he pay rent/bills OP? How was that agreed?

Why does he not pay rent or bills?

What do you both smoke?
Is it just tobacco or weed?

Tobacco not weed!
At first I was the only one working as he has a tendency to flit between jobs and cannot keep money .
However he is now self employed and works when I don't and is bringing in a decent wage ,he always claims he hasn't and he is only covering expenses, however sleeve tattoos disprove that .

Issue an ultimatum he needs to contribute 50% of the bills and food or the relationship is over. Do not let him bully you. If he’s says he doesn’t have it ask for proof. If he won’t show it again the relationship is over.

I know you are right , no I don't tolerate this behavior from anybody else.

Last time we split he rejected the children hugely and it broke their hearts . They adore their dad my ds especially so.
He is a very anxious child and worries his dad will leave constantly.

So you are struggling for money but still wanking cash away on cigarettes?