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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited

41 replies

Notinvited85 · 24/08/2023 15:35

Hi all,

I’d be interested to get some outside perspectives on this..

I’m married with 2 young children, so is my brother. We both have similarly aged children. In the case of my children his children are the only cousins they have, they do enjoy playing together when we meet up.

one of my nieces is about to have her second birthday party, but my family are not invited. A large number of my sister in laws family will be there, but only my mum and dad from my brothers side of the family. We also were not included in a similar party they had for my niece last year. Since then we invited them to my sons birthday party, yet we continue to not be invited 🤔.

also, when we do meet up with them the plan always starts off with it being the 4 of them and the four of us. But somehow there’s always some reason my sister in law can’t attend at the last minute. So my brother attends with his elder daughter but the younger one doesn’t come. I feel sorry for my younger child missing out on having a playmate at these get together, and it just feels a bit offensive when it happens every time! Plus I can tell from social media that they’re often meeting up with my sister in laws family, and family friends they have as a whole family. It seems to just be my family that they struggle to meet up with all together. Incase it’s relevant we only aim to have these meet ups 2-3 times a year, and live about an hour apart.

genuinely not sure what I’ve done wrong. I thought I had a decent relationship with my sister in law, she will occasionally reach out over text to chat. I try to be friendly and nice to her.

so question is what do I do? I worry that if I say anything to my brother it’ll be seen as me ‘rocking the boat’. And what can he really say? But honestly I find it very hurtful, and am considering just investing less in my relationship with my brother and distancing from him to avoid what feels like repeated rejections.

so YABU- not a big deal that they don’t want to have whole family meet ups with you.

YANBU- it is hurtful to be excluded from things like family birthday parties repeatedly with no explanation, and not be able to spend time together as an extended family at the weekend.

OP posts:
caerdydd12 · 24/08/2023 15:41

How old are the children? And what sexes? For things like birthday parties from a certain age I know my daughter always wanted a girls party. It was easier and more affordable to just invite all the girls in the class knowing none would be left out, we couldn't afford to invite 30 kids. Maybe it's something similar.

Original poster
Notinvited85 · 24/08/2023 15:46

Yup, I agree that for school age children. Their elder daughter is 6 and I definitely wouldn’t expect to be invited to that party as I’d assume it would be her school friends. But the younger one is only just about to turn 2, my younger son is 2.5. So the birthday party approaching is one that they’ve invited lots of family to.

OP posts:
Bitsadtoday1 · 24/08/2023 15:47

I might be way off here, but is there any chance your sil is jealous of her husband’s relationship with you?
One of my sil is great, the other alienated my brother from his family but seems to have a particular problem with me, even though I’ve never done anything to warrant it.
Sone women are really funny about brother/ sister relationships.

rhino12345 · 24/08/2023 15:47

I have a similar thing. It took a while to realise it, but SIL doesn't see "our family" as "family". She doesn't consider DB's nieces and nephews as her nieces and nephews at all, and doesn't even call them "cousins" to her own children. It's odd, and very sad, but it is what it is. It takes the pressure off - it's nothing we've done or said, it's just her view of family.

caerdydd12 · 24/08/2023 15:52

Maybe it's time for a blunt chat with your brother, ask if his wife dislikes you and if so, why. If he says she doesn't then ask why you're never included in what are clearly family events (SILs family plus your parents). You can then make a decision about the level of contact you want with them after that.

TaigaSno · 24/08/2023 16:00

Why are you scared of "rocking the boat" with your brother? Speak up for yourself, stand up for yourself! Just ask him about it.
Your parents are invited to their family gatherings but you aren't. Your SIL drops out of planned meetings with you.

It may be that one or both of your children is a nightmare to be around and you just don't see it.
It may be that your SIL just doesn't like you and doesn't want to socialise with you.
It may be that your brother doesn't think much of you and sees you alone out of obligation whereas his wife doesn't feel she needs to make the effort.

You won't know unless you bring it up. If you don't ask about it then you'll spend your life over-analysing the whole relationship.

Holly60 · 24/08/2023 16:07

Do you think your parents might know the reason?

I have an adult son and daughter and I can't imagine this situation happening and me not asking one of them why the other hasn't been invited.

Iloveacurry · 24/08/2023 16:07

Definitely ask your DB if you’ve done something to offend her. She knows she’s not including you, and your DB is probably aware as well.

VeeandBee · 24/08/2023 16:09

Agree with PP your SIL isn't seeing your family as part of her family, and therefore her children's family. She's made it quite clear she favours her side. Time to have a word with your brother, not so much about the birthday party, but about why the cousins don't all get together. Let him know your noticing this and ask him to sort it so the cousins all get to see each other, even if SIL doesn't come

strawberry2017 · 24/08/2023 16:24

I think you need to ask your brother. Only way you will ever know what's going on.

TizerorFizz · 24/08/2023 16:26

It’s not vital for cousins to spend lots of time with each other. Friends end up being more important. They don’t choose their cousins. Parents facilitate that relationship. As children grow up, they sort out their own friendships and, unless cousins are round the corner, they are not chosen freely by the child.

I’d just not worry about it. When dc goes to nursery, invite nursery Dc!

Original poster
Notinvited85 · 24/08/2023 16:36

I was so close to writing him a message last night to ask for some kind of explanation. But then I started thinking that the truth is probably not something I’m going to be pleased to hear, although I would still want to know even if it were hurtful if you see what I mean. Like someone said higher up the thread- maybe my brother only sees us out of a sense of obligation, which SIL doesn’t share. I can imagine that my brother is unlikely to be honest enough to say something like that to me ( even if it were the truth), as it would destroy the relationship, and probably he wouldn’t want a complete fall out.

I agree that SIL clearly favours her side of the family. I get that in a way, but this situation feels quite extreme… like not inviting us to large family birthday parties.

I wondered about just going a bit silent on my brother around the time of this party, and see what his reaction is. As presumably he’d guess what had caused offence, and maybe he’d say something.

I may try asking my mum. I feel like my brother may just fob her off with the kind of reason he gives us- like some kind of childcare related logistical difficulty. But it just seems odd how that doesn’t seem to stop them socialising with others, just us! I would like to know the truth.

OP posts:
TulipsTwoLips · 24/08/2023 16:41

Has your younger child hurt their younger child at all? It seems that she's happy to send the older child but is keeping the younger one away?

Quitelikeit · 24/08/2023 16:42

Op

What is the point in going digging?

They have a life that is quite separate from you and clearly don’t value the relationship in the same way you do.

try to remember that you haven’t done anything wrong this is about them and their preferences

Elsiebear90 · 24/08/2023 16:59

I think your SIL has an issue with you, but doesn’t want to discuss it for whatever reason, you could ask your brother why you’re not invited, but I doubt he’s going to be honest.

My SIL has an issue with me for some unknown reason as well, it used to really upset me as she tried to turn my own family against me, she spoilt my wedding, was bad mouthing me for years behind my back while I was singing her praises and thought we got on really well. However, I’ve just learnt to accept it now, she’s my brother’s wife, so she’s not going anywhere, I’m pleasant towards her for the sake of family harmony, outwardly you would think we get on well, but I can’t stand her now I know what she’s like.

It’s pretty bad that your brother allows her to exclude you though from family parties though, I would ask him in a non confrontational way if you’ve done something to upset them and see what he says, there’s a chance it could be a misunderstanding and an apology (if warranted) would clear it up.

Sayitaintso33 · 24/08/2023 17:06

If you've been on MN for long you will be aware that relationships with in-laws are often difficult. Sometimes you have to rock the boat, other times it makes things worse.

I think you should speak to your brother but remember he may be able to help or he may not. But give it a go and see what he says but don't push him too hard. His first job is to keep his wife happy not his sister. There may be good reasons he doesn't want to discuss it fully or at all.

But speak to him, gently let him know how you are feeling and that you would like your families to see more of each other and see what he says, but don't pick a fight. It won't help you and it won't help him. It might just help his wife if she is wrongly trying to keep the two of you apart.

Moonshine5 · 24/08/2023 17:19

OP I appreciate this must be hurtful because you are being clearly left out. It's a bit similar to gaslighting - everyone is pretending the relationship is normal but it's disingenuous. The simple fact is she wants low contact and your brother is supporting that. So yes 100% get on with your life. They will likely be wondering what your up to.
Stand up for yourself don't beg for their attention. Live your life and if you start overthinking do a monotonous activity like chopping veg.
Good luck, they don't deserve your kindness

TizerorFizz · 24/08/2023 17:21

Also why don’t your parents say something? Do they think it off? I’d ask them whet they think but not ask them to intervene.

OhmygodDont · 24/08/2023 17:28

I mean do you really want to know or do you want to be invited.

because odds are whatever the reason is it won’t help or will hurt.

MyBrewMyShoes · 24/08/2023 17:38

Are your kids well behaved?

Winter2020 · 24/08/2023 17:41

Do you have dogs?
E.g. one reason would be not wanting her child around dogs.

Do you smoke? Do you smoke in the house?

Is your house ordinary level of clean? Not grossly dirty and equally not so clean that no one dare walk or use a cup.

Do you/your partner swear a lot?
Are you or your partner very opinionated and pushing those opinions often.

Those are the things I can think of that make it hard to be around people.

Winter2020 · 24/08/2023 17:42

Also are you considerably richer/better housed and she could be jealous?

Thelonelygiraffe · 24/08/2023 17:56

Sounds like she doesn't like you or value you - and that she loves her family and prioritises them. Not really fair. Your brother should talk to her and change things.

I'd talk to him.

underneaththeash · 24/08/2023 17:58

Yes, I’d be offended too.
There must be a reason.
It could be that she feels your house isn’t safe, your boundaries are too lax or strict for her, your son is too boisterous, she could just be an arse.

if you phrase it as if you’re wanting to include her rather than asking why she’s excluding you. It will seem more positive when you ask your brother.

Original poster
Notinvited85 · 24/08/2023 18:23

I’d say our children are fairly well behaved. Definitely not boisterous- more on the overly anxious end of the spectrum if anything. We’re definitely stricter parents than they are. I try to actively make positive remarks ( when appropriate) to support their parenting style, so hopefully they don’t see me as judgemental but who knows!

thanks for your ideas everyone, it’s a sad situation.

OP posts:
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