Using children as pawns vs. having boundaries

[legofootcasualty]

My mum has a very close bond with my children but goes through phases of treating me very rudely and disrespectfully. Refusing to listen to me calling me names etc. I would allow her to keep seeing the children but she would refuse to change her behaviour toward me because she just didn't care what I had to say and there was nothing forcing her to.

Because of this I went no contact for a year including the children and my family accused me of using my children as weapons against her. She was devastated at not seeing my children and I have allowed her to start seeing them again. We are both on good terms again but I feel uncomfortable that her behaviour was ignored and everyone has just said they are glad I have changed and must never do it again.

I know it hurt my mum but she wouldn't listen any other way and I wasn't ok just letting it continue (family encouraged me to accept 'that's just what she's like' and continue to be verbally abused).

So where's the line between using children as weapons vs having boundaries? I did it to preserve my own and my children's wellbeing, not to get back at her, which I think is the difference. But my family all see it as me using them as a weapon.

I don’t know what it is about the older generations that sometimes have noticed that especially amongst different ethnicities. The older generations are disrespectful to the grownup children and sometimes also in front of the grandchildren. I think you did the right thing. Sometimes we need to put boundaries in place, which might hurt and devastate others, but ultimately allow us to live our lives, peacefully and truthfully. You don’t want your child to question years later on why did you allowed grandma to treat you like that. You are definitely not being unreasonable and you are not the custodian of other people sensibilities. Your mum definitely had some toxic behaviour and she has been taught a lesson basically. Removing Kids from the equation has no bearing on anything it was about you, removing yourself and creating a safe space for you and your family.

They accuse you of that because they are part of the problem. You are the convenient scapegoat who absorbed all of her nastiness. No doubt when you were absent they were getting her nastiness and her complaining instead.
If she hasn't learnt anything and neither of the rest of the family I question why you have chosen to resume contact. They are the ones who will likely use your children as pawns because they now have the year of no contact to use against you. I wouldn’t have resumed contact, but if I had I would have expected your mum to be sorry for how she treated you and for her to apologise. By resuming contact and letting them tell you not to do it again, you are in effect taking responsibility for being in the ‘wrong’.

You cannot really allow someone who is rude and abusive to you - in front of your children ,- around your children. That is a reasonable boundary.

Thank you all

@FeliciteFaff I am 3rd generation. I think it's true in terms of families in my culture being very close but rigid in hierarchy and the adult children are still treated as children to their parents which can be work out positively or negatively.