to wear black to this funeral?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Family member. Family members spouse has said "black need not be worn". Exact words, nothing else mentioned.

Problem is that 90% of my wardrobe is black. The 10% of coloured items I have are most definitely NOT funeral acceptable, either beach/holiday wear or "out out" type things. I think it would be fine as the family know that I will wear black on almost all occasions and wouldnt expect to see me in anything different. In fact the odd time I have worn something else, it has been commented on in surprised tones!

However another family member (I wonder if you can guess who...) is insisting that I must not wear black AT ALL as it would be disrespectful to the widowed spouse's wishes and that surely I have something or should buy something new if I havent.

I take "black need not be worn" as read. That is, you can if you want to but you shouldnt feel like you have to. Seems like a huge fuss over nothing to me, but thought I would check!

I would wear black but maybe get a coloured scarf or something to go with it to respect the wishes of the family although the way it's worded to me sounds like there's no requirement to go in traditional black but not an out and out ban on it either.

I recently went to my grandpa's funeral with dress code of wear what you're comfortable with. I went in all black except for a rose gold stripe down my top sleeve. This to me felt funeral respectful but with a bit of colour as a cheerful nod to my grandpa.

The widow/er and the deceased's kids really dont care what people wear from what I understand, and just didnt want people to feel that they had to do the whole "mourning" clothes thing.

Thats how other family members have read it too, but my mother (yes you guessed right) has decided that it means that no black must be worn at all. I have been to funerals where a specific dress code or colour has been chosen and I was happy to abide by that.

I just dont see the point in buying something new if no one will care!

it sounds like they're saying wear black, but you don't have to. so you're fine to just wear black.

I agree that it would be suitable to wear something black from your wardrobe, but perhaps add a colourful scarf or necklace to lift the look, if you have anything of that type.
The widowed spouse will be just glad to have your support, with probably little interest in what you are wearing.

I think their dress code means wear what you like.

My late DM said those exact words for my dad's funeral. It meant exactly what it says - you don't need to wear black, but if you do, fine. Basically, it was more important to her that people who wanted to came than what they chose to wear.
Wear black, add colour if you can but don't worry if you can't. It's way more important to pay your respects than worrying about the colour of your clothes.

Thanks all. Will stick with my original plan of black trousers top and jacket.

Yes that’s very very different to ‘please no black’ or ‘wear x’s favourite colour’.

I have been to funerals with both, more than one with the favourite colour request, and I agree that this doesnt seem to be like that.

It's fine. Pretty much the wording we had for my mums funeral and there was a mix of people in black/grey and colour

Buying something new with an instruction like that would seem to be exactly the opposite of their wishes - they don't want people to feel they have to get something black if they don't already have it?
(I wore dark navy to my own father's funeral, as I wear black so little and whilst I wanted to get something suitable for it I wanted it to be something I would actually use again)

Wear what you want OP. I presume you are an adult, therefore your mother has absolutely no say in your choice of clothing any more. I would tell her that, in a firm voice. The wording quite obviously means that you don't have to wear black IF YOU DON'T WANT TO, not that no-one can wear black.

It means that black is not compulsory, not that it is banned. You wear whatever colour you are comfortable with and if that is black then fine.

Your mother has taken it a little too far. You'll be grand.

As you’ve said you’ve been to funerals with specific colour request, do you not have anything from those you could use again?

I do think black is fine though in this situation.

'Black need not be worn' means that you don't have to wear black. It doesn't mean that black isn't allowed. I suspect they just want to make it clear to everyone that they don't mind what you wear and don't want anyone to have to buy anything new - my MIL felt the same about my FIL's funeral. Basically she didn't want anyone to feel they had to wear black if they didn't like black or didn't have anything in their wardrobe. I still wore black that's pretty much the only colour I ever wear, and SIL wore black because her most appropriate formal dress happened to be black anyway.

No. I was a very different dress size then.

Wearing black!