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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My mum criticising baby classes

18 replies

MrsT1512 · 23/08/2023 21:47

I have a slightly strained relationship with my mum at the best of times, mainly due to judgmental comments (criticising the state of my house during the newborn months, commenting on weight gain, etc). I'm used to this and can take it. However I've been really upset recently with her comments about the activities I do with my baby. The main bee in her bonnet is sing and sign, which she's said is a waste of money and that a better parent would be able to sing and play with their child without others helping them. I mentioned that I was thinking of taking the baby to a dance class when she's a little older and her response was to say that I can't appreciate what's beneficial to a baby and what's not.
When I try to push back on this she says she's just trying to help make sure that the baby is developing properly (a bit frustrating as she likes to sit in front of the TV with the baby).
She's a very stubborn person and I try to let the comments go, but I'm finding it really upsetting, and it feels like its spoiling some of the memories I'm making with my baby.
AIBU if I put clear boundaries in place and make clear to her that her opinions aren't welcome?
Thanks so much for reading.

OP posts:

VivaVivaa · 23/08/2023 21:53

AIBU if I put clear boundaries in place and make clear to her that her opinions aren't welcome?

I mean you can try, but I doubt it’ll work. She sounds horrible and I doubt you challenging her behaviour will make her have a sudden epiphany and do better. I think you’d be better just reducing contact and treating her as an associate you are polite to and nothing more. Do you rely on her for childcare or anything like that?

BoohooWoohoo · 23/08/2023 21:55

*AIBU if I put clear boundaries in place and make clear to her that her opinions aren't welcome?

Stop taking her to the classes and stop telling her things like the dance class. One day your baby is going to understand the words that she says and the last thing that she needs is her Nan to voice an opinion on a class that she enjoys.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/08/2023 22:00

Stop. Telling. Your. Mother. Everything.

Honestly, just stop. The solution to your problem is pretty easy, and it's none of her business anyway.

thecatinthetwat · 23/08/2023 22:01

These classes are nice, if baby likes it and you like it then go for it. Tell your mum less and give a confident response when necessary eg. we both really enjoy the classes. End conversation.

Barfvader · 23/08/2023 22:02

Reduce contact and greyrock.

Nothingbuttheglory · 23/08/2023 22:03

She's just being a bitch 😕

When my mother behaves like that I see less of her for a while.

csiaddict · 23/08/2023 22:04

I think she's making the mistake of thinking that these baby classes are for the baby, when in reality they are as much for you as for your child. They are a chance to meet other parents and an excuse to get out of the house. I'm sure your mum took you to toddler groups so it's just the same thing. Perhaps if you explain that she might be able to understand why you do them.

Nowadays there are many more options and things to do which weren't available in the past. There could be some guilt or insecurity with her needing to justify why she didn't do varied activities with you as well. ('you grew up fine without all that stuff')
Maybe get her involved or ask her to come along to some of the activities so she can see how much you both enjoy them?

2chocolateoranges · 23/08/2023 22:04

I’d stop telling her things and also would remind her that she had her chance as a parent to bring you up and now it’s your turn to make the choices for you and your baby, not hers.

WandaWonder · 23/08/2023 22:06

You tell her stuff she gets upset you tell her stuff she gets upset, so stop telling her

Testina · 23/08/2023 22:06

“it feels like its spoiling some of the memories I'm making with my baby”

I’d work on this. I totally understand that you’d be annoyed with her crap - but this is on you, to work letting it impact your confidence in your choices.

Stop telling her everything, stop spending so much time with her, and speak up for yourself! “Mum, I like doing sing and sign - don’t be so rude.”

retrainer · 23/08/2023 22:15

Stop telling her things that are important to you.

When she makes stupid comments there's no point arguing or pushing back. I'd just agree with her or say something neutral like 'that's an interesting perspective'. But mostly just don't tell her.

LimeCheesecake · 23/08/2023 22:19

A) stop telling her things.

B) the sing and sign class it to teach you the signs that go with songs so you can continue to do the signs outside of the class and it’s supposed to help babies talk earlier. (My dcs got sign for “more” pretty early. Before they could ask for more of whatever food/drink they’d just had)

BeverlyBrook · 23/08/2023 22:24

We still use the sign for 'finished' with our 10year old, for her to communicate she's had enough, is bored silly and wants to leave.
Your mother is wrong!
Just because it wasn't there in her day doesn't mean it's not good.

wineosaurus4 · 23/08/2023 23:49

I've been doing sing & sign with my daughter since she was 12 weeks old, she is now 14 months and knows over 10 signs, not including all the animals. We recently have our 13 month review and the health visitor was mega impressed with her signs and had nothing but praise for it! It's an absolutely fantastic class. So tell your mum to back off and keep her nose out of how you parent your child

GrumpyOldCrone · 23/08/2023 23:54

I agree: just stop telling her. But of course she will ask (so she can keep putting you down). Whatever you decide to reply, take the broken record approach. Eg: “My child seems to like it.” Whatever she argues (but you should do this; but you should do that), just keep saying, “My child seems to like it.” Don’t say anything else about it at all.

Hatvonbat · 24/08/2023 01:03

Sounds like a case of jealousy or regret. You are enjoying time with your DC and she can’t bare to watch.
You do you x

AliceMcK · 24/08/2023 01:12

I'm used to this and can take it.

You need to stop taking it or it will never stop. It’s one thing putting up with it because you think you have to, she’s your mother and it’s just the way it is…but your a mother now and you need to decide if you want your dd being brought up thinking it’s acceptable for her to put you down like this and what about when she starts on your dd?

There is no excuse for her behaviour. You need to find a way to protect yourself and your dd as she won’t stop.

Look at Grey rock for starters, but unfortunately sometimes completely cutting people like this out of your life is the only thing that works.

ManateeFair · 24/08/2023 12:23

The thing is, even if these activities weren't beneficial to your baby's development, they still wouldn't be doing any harm, so your mother is talking horseshit when she says she's just thinking of the baby.

I think you need to be very firm with her and say "It's my money and my child, so this is really none of your business. I don't need you to tell me how to be a parent, so please stop."

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