Sick mil but we live across an ocean

[Melmi256]

Tricky situation, we live abroad across the Atlantic.
My mil is sick, with what is unclear, she had cancer many years ago which spread and although is free from disease at moment will never be cured. It’s possible the treatment has given long term affects … but she is showing early signs of reduced cognitive function/dementia even possible ?
she lives alone, has no real friends. Generally not a nice person at all either, I’ve never liked her.
DH hasn’t really any relationship with her as she was a pretty poor mother and has some issues from the way he was treated as a child.
He calls occasionally but only out of duty.
He has a brother that lives closer who is feeling and taking most of the burden of supporting her the moment.
Some strong hints that dh should be doing more to support , however he has a stressful job and not endless holiday either so it’s not really practical to fly back … nor does he actually want to. Are we being unreasonable to just not do this because we don’t want to or should we feel obligated ?

Such a tricky situation.

It does seem horribly unfair on the brother, but I can understand your DH's reluctance to go to the aid of someone he has such a difficult relationship with.

Is there anything you can do remotely? Arrange online shopping, medication deliveries, a gardener, carers etc?

But I can't help feeling desperately sorry for the brother ...

@Gazelda I know I agree I feel slightly guilt for this too (they have a young baby aswell so extra pressure)
He can do some things remotely but it’s limited , our time zone is 5 hours behind so once he’s finished work it’s 10pm U.K. time …. We’ve done some online shops, she also does this herself anyway and money is not an issue. But she doesn’t like cooking, has just stopped cleaning and taking care of herself and hygiene.
Im really torn , the brother had a much better relationship too and was/is the favourite.

I'll be honest. My DH was in an identical situation, being the favourite brother who still lived locally while other part of the family were overseas.

It nearly broke us. The physical, practical and emotional burden was awful.

We completely understood that DBIL was in an impossible situation. What helped was that they kept in very regular contact and made it clear that they supported any decision DH made regarding their mother's care.

They sent the odd crate of wine or amazon delivery of sweets.

Sometimes DBIL had to play the 'bad guy' to mum when she needed a firm talking to or a reminder that everyone was trying to do what's best for her even if she didn't like how her life was shaping. It was easier for DBIL to do this so that we (on the ground so to speak) could continue being in her good books. But it must have hurt him to do that, knowing that we were getting all of the appreciation from her and he was possibly resented for being so far away.

It would have helped even more if DBIL had suggested he use his annual leave to visit and take over for a week or two. I appreciate AL is precious, but I'm sure he has no idea how many half days here and there DH and I took off for hospital appointments, waiting in for mobility equipment to be delivered etc.

I think that in your situation, you can only do so much and you'll have to find a way to reconcile to that. But please don't underestimate how hard this is for DBIL and his family.

Is money a problem? If not, could you fund carers to go in twice or three times a day?

Offer to pay for some carers to come in and take off some of the burden. It's tricky since she wasn't a good mother and the relationship is not good, you'd actually be paying to keep relations good with his brother.

@Grumpy101 I’m not sure exactly she’s at a carer stage yet she’s actually fairly young <65 I’m not even sure she’d allow carers in she just seems to have almost given up I think there is a depression element maybe ? But she is not a believer of mental health suffering she’s very odd.
The brother is not going in daily to do care duties he actually lives a few hours away but when there is an episode obviously it’s him that has to go round go to drs appt - last time was urgent a & e etc.
They actually as brother don’t have a great relationship either so I don’t think we’d find carers however money isn’t an issue for her anyway she could pay for them.

@Gazelda That does sound incredibly tough ! I don’t underestimate how hard it must be …. It’s hard I’m not sure what to suggest to my husband for the best, ultimately it’s his decision he definitely feels an element of guilt but at the same time he has a poor relationship with both of them , and kinda feels like well you made your bed so lie in it. The reason she has no friends or ANYONE else is because she’s so awful so it’s like why put ourselves out for someone he doesn’t really care for apart from a sense of obligation because she birthed him.
she is also pretty young and these episodes so far are unexplained.

@Dillydollydingdong Money isn’t an issue but we’re also not loaded either and I’m not keen on finding carers when she can actually afford it herself. I actually feel loathe to give her anything after hearing stories of my husbands childhood ..

I imagine BIL has probably had most of the benefits of being the favourite. I don’t think it’s too much to ask him to take on the responsibilities that also go with that.

I’d do what you practically can… The next time his brother hints your DH needs to flat out ask what can I do from here to help.

It’s likely that the brother has no quick suggestions, but maybe he does.