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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To stop a relationship with my mum or not.

5 replies

Toghostornottooghost · 23/08/2023 19:28

Hi all, I just want some advice on whether I should stop a relationship with my mum or not. She has always been a narcissistic controlling mother who liked a drink but now we’ve established she is alcohol dependent and I think if she was anyone else and not my mother I wouldn’t have a relationship with them or spend time with them.

I have always had a fractured relationship with her and I’ve got children of my own which is the only reason I am speaking to her now because my other half encouraged me to remain in contact with her, when we found out about our 1st I wasn’t talking to her.

She has recently began staying with us after her house sold and I’ve noticed that the drinking is not just a social drink situation, she works from home and she is drinking 4/5 glasses a day and not saying anything. I’ve only just noticed this and I am concerned that she has been driving my children around and babysitting them etc. for months.

she is narcissistic and controlling in her behaviour at the best of times and she has either always had a drink and that is why her personality sucks or her personality just sucks.

for example she has no boundaries with my children as in she is always pushing them with me and I don’t think she is safe to be around them. She is certainly not driving them around or being their primary carer now we know..

She bought dinner for tonight without consulting me, I was going to order pizza then I heard her shout dinner was here. I came down and asked her what she had bought because earlier she said she didn’t like pizza but food was here. She has only gone and ordered Indian knowing I don’t like it and when I said not to sound ungrateful but I don’t like Indian she said don’t be silly I’ve been cooking since you were 4 years old. I’ve not lived with her since I was 13.

I’m losing the will to live and I know regardless of the alcohol that my mother as a person is just not someone I like which is saddening.

OP posts:
Royalbloo · 23/08/2023 19:38

Why is she living with you and caring for your children?

Royalbloo · 23/08/2023 19:39

Send her packing and re-establish the boundaries and the impact she has on your life. Do not rely on her for childcare.

Toghostornottooghost · 23/08/2023 19:57

she moved in with us after her house completed and she doesn’t look after the children as they are usually at nursery/school.

We’ve only realised how bad the drinking is since she moved in with us.. she has only drunk what I felt was a lot but I am teetotal and don’t like alcohol so I thought it was me being judgemental.

she only helps with the children when they need picking up form nursery or school and neither I or DH are available, which is why when her house sold and the house she was buying fell through we felt like we owed her and asked if she wanted to move in until she found somewhere.

OP posts:
Toghostornottooghost · 23/08/2023 19:59

My sisters know how bad it is and they’ve said the same that if she doesn’t get help with the drinking then they will cut ties with her as we all have children to think off however I think she is controlling and she would use mind games…

OP posts:
Toghostornottooghost · 23/08/2023 20:23

Example of the behaviour is this week she came back from being away and it was 10AM in the morning and she said she was going to see her sister and could she take the children. We hadn’t established how bad her drinking was at this point and she had been away with one of my sisters who was also monitoring her drinking. I said yes she could take them as 10AM in the morning seemed
liked a reasonable time that she would not be drinking and my auntie is teetotal too so she wasn’t going to an environment where drink would be involved.

she left but in a hurry and was telling the children to say bye and was hurrying them out the door and after 20mins of them leaving I thought I wonder if she has had a drink as that was very odd.. low and behold a fresh empty glass of wine. DH said do not ring her and tell her to come back as she may panic and do something so I rang my auntie and told her to watch her and if she has any alcohol to ring or text me and I would come get them.

I asked her when she got back later if a glass of wine she had with dinner was the 1st of the day and I joked the children must have been stressful and she lied to me and said that it was the 1st of the day 🤔

OP posts:
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