DH WFH in school holidays

[woollencats]

DS7 and DS8. DH WFH and is main earner. I work term-time so have the kids in the holidays. He does his fair share with the house and kids and is a great Dad. I don't know if we've just been in each others pockets too much over the last few weeks.

DH and I sat at the park picnic table. Kids were having a snack but started running around with it in their mouths/hanging out their mouths. Mucking around. I told them 3 times to sit down whilst they are eating (they ignored me 3 times and I had to raise my voice over their noise). DH had been playing with them then he was on and off his phone but he looked up from his phone and told me to leave them be.
'They're alright babe! Just leave them'
Why did this get my back up so much? I felt disrespected. I asked him to back me up if they are ignoring me.

I'm also struggling this summer with the kids wanting to play with him all the time as he is working from home. I tell them not to disturb him and I would like him to come from the same angle but he gives them the impression that he is flexible around them all day (he struggles with no and boundaries and I am forced to be bad cop sometimes).

It's great to have him around of course but I have had to ask him to not tell them exact times of when he will be out of his office to play with them (this can be several times a day as he is self-employed) as they keep pestering me about him, not settling to things I'm doing with them and they want our day to revolve around what he's doing. I do take them out but there are days we want to chill at home.

AIBU I've told him it might be easier for them and me if he kept it to a loose 'I'm off to work now kids. See you later' so they know not to expect him. Then it's a bonus whenever he comes and sees them but it's not micromanaged as such. His job requires micromanaging and he is good at it.

His response to the above two things is I always blame him for things going wrong with the kids. I just think they are reasonable requests.

It's great to have him around of course but I have had to ask him to not tell them exact times of when he will be out of his office to play with them (this can be several times a day as he is self-employed) as they keep pestering me about him,

Are you saying he doesn't stick to the times promised?

Neither of you is entirely in the right (or wrong).
Running around with food in your mouth like that is gross and a choking hazard. I wouldn't be happy with being ignored or undermined there either.
I suspect with the WFH whatever you say to the kids they will whine at you.
To some extent it's your kids that are the problem! But consistency from you both would help.

WhateverMate

He often needs to take an unexpected call or pop out so no he can't always be up when he's told them he will be. I then have all the whining about it. I just think don't tell them in the first place then they will know you're not available and if he does want to come and play with them, then it's a nice surprise for them and no one is thinking too much about it.

It's not consistent. He's telling them I'll be up to play when I can and I have to tell them no when he it turns out he's busy.

IMO he involves them too much. He comes up to tell them he's popping out/doing XYZ then it's all the moaning about him going out 😫

At those ages they are old enough to understand when he's busy and when he's not and that he can't always predict this.

Some friends of mine got the kids to make a red Do Not Disturb sign sign and a green Knock Before Entering sign to hang on the door of the room they worked in. Could you do that? Then leave DH to it. It's his responsibility to remember to hang the applicable sign and if they burst in on him when he's working, his job to get them out, not yours to fish them out.

I sympathise with this OP. My DH also wfh a couple of days per week and it's really tough in the holidays. Like yours, DC know he's here and he makes a fuss of them every time he pops down for a cuppa. He says he'll finish at x time but then get stuck on a call which means they moan at me!

Mine are a bit younger than yours so it helped if I said 'right daddy's off to work now, give him a kiss. We'll see him at lunchtime.' Then there was no set expectation of timings. They have got more used to him popping down for a quick drink. And unless he tells me he is on an important call, I Iet him chuck them out/deal with it if they go in his office.

I think you should have a conversation with DH and explain how hard it is for you to manage them when he does this.

It's his responsibility to remember to hang the applicable sign and if they burst in on him when he's working, his job to get them out, not yours to fish them out.

He has a sign but he doesn't remind them of it. He often starts showing them something on the computer or letting them play in there.

That's on him though, isn't it? If he's happy and the Dc are happy and it gives you some time to get on with other things, why does it bother you? Unless you have specific plans eg to go out or you are half way through a baking project or something they wanted to do, of course.

Every time the whine about his inconsistencies direct them to him.

He has a sign but he doesn't remind them of it. He often starts showing them something on the computer or letting them play in there.

What's wrong with that?

He doesn't have to do a hands off I'll see you at 6pm approach if he doesn't need to or want to. He has a flexible job and can chat to them throughout the day, why shouldn't he?
At 7 & 8 they are old enough to understand when he is busy or in a meeting that he can't come out/ they can't go in though. A toddler would struggle with this but those ages really shouldn't.

You sound like you're just annoyed at every little thing he is doing.

We don't have family near us so we don't get a break from each other as we work from home. I think I need a break lol.

I do end up having to do most of the discipline because he hates saying no and he tells them off halfheartedly so I think it's that that's getting to me.

We've slipped into good cop bad cop before.

Whenever I try to ask him to help me set the boundaries (i.e not eating and running), he says I'm being critical and blaming him for what they are doing wrong. I don't get that.

Just let them run amok in his study if he’s not supporting you to keep them out of his hair! ‘I was trying but you wouldn’t make any effort to support me which made it 10x as hard so I have just decided it’s your problem. I’m happy to make it our problem again but this is where the kids live and you are their dad and it doesn’t work to just make it my problem. It just makes me stressed and miserable and the bad guy so I’m done with that plan. Let me know if you want to talk seriuosly about behaviours we can both adopt to make it our problem.

Does it really matter if they are running about while eating at a park though? It sounds a bit like rules for the sake of rules. If you relaxed a bit and didn't get worked up about something like that would anything bad really happen?

I think you’re right, it’s easier if he’s just at work and they know not to disturb him but if they do and he encourages it then just leave him to deal with it. If they end up disturbing a call then it’s his fault for setting no boundaries, perhaps he’ll learn from it.

From what you’ve written, your children sound like they need routine.

I do get that kids are up and down and excited but if I’ve told them to sit down 3 times as I want them to sit down and eat with me and they are repeatedly ignoring me, I need his backup?

Are the children less compliant when Dad is around?
I've rarely experienced telling my kids to do something and then refusing so I'm always at a bit of a loss to help with more willful children. I just expect them to do as asked - a hard stare and a firm tone seems to work but equally I don't have a husband who then dismisses my request.

If you know he's not going to support you, I wouldn't bother asking. You don't need his authority - use your own. The kids are wise to the chinks here.

They are compliant when he is around.

If he's happy for them to disturb his work and the DC are happy then that's all that matters. It does free me up to get on with something too. It's nice to have him around.

We've have had a chat and agreed on things. It upset me that he dismissed what I was telling the kids to do and I told him it felt disrespectful but he acknowledged that.

I suppose I am the slightly stricter one but I have the DC more as he works FT and I'm wondering if there's always going to be one parent who does slightly more discipline? As long as we are on the same page about basic stuff.