What to say to the children about their dad being an asshole?

[CareBearIsHere]

Unfortunately I had a relationship with someone I should have avoided at all costs and I now have two fantastic and beautiful children. Fortunately I have got rid of him.

I’ve been told not to be derogatory about him in front of the children and have really tried hard over the last 7 years. I have also tried to facilitate contact and at times have actually paid for his transport/accomm to see the children. He said he didn’t have any cash.

Ex has a history of veering between awful selfishness and unpleasantness. He has said some pretty mean things to kids like “get back in touch when you are older”. He won’t pick up the phone or respond to my 11 year old’s messages. He sometimes does pick up but it is very much on his terms.

I need my 11 year old to understand that it is my ex who is at fault. My ex can be mean and very unpleasant. I also don’t want to make excuses for my ex’s behaviour as it is crap. I don’t want the children to grow up taking this shit from anyone.

Any words of wisdom on what approach to take? What should I be saying if my 11 year old (as yesterday) says Dad just won’t pick up?

Meh, I wouldn’t protect him. I wouldn’t facilitate anything for him. I’d let the kids see, in time, what a useless and nasty cunt he is. I would, however, tell any relevant adult that would listen exactly what he was like.

I would be honest and not sugar coat. No rescuing. The "No badmouthing " rule only benefits abusers.

I think that's important about other adults knowing. I've found it happens fairly often that others say "your dad loves you/you must be so special to your dad/dads put their kids first all the time" that sort of stuff. You need to protect your kid from others good intentions too

My DD14 used to ask why her father isn't in her life. He's not seen her since she was two.

I always said some people are not good and caring about others, some people are only good at looking after themselves. You talk about personal boundaries and choice especially as they get older and have a legal voice and a choice.

Stop trying to facilitate it.

While I try to avoid bashing my grandchildren's asshole father, I will be honest with them if they ask me questions. I am their father figure and they've come to rely on me for honest answers knowing they will only get bullshit from their father. I don't bash him, but I do point out the same bad behavior when we see it with others. Their father once accused me of bashing him and I told him I don't bash him, I just teach them the difference between nice and honest people and lying assholes and if they equate him to the lying assholes that's on him. I do know however that he attempts to manipulate them and bashes me in an effort to . I've often said they should not be left alone with him because he can be persuasive. Most people will see him as charming, but for those of us that know, we see him for the bullshit artist he is. The kids comment about how much of an ass he is, but seems to often skillfully suck them back into his web of deceit.d

My parents were “amicable” in front of us as kids but their truer feelings came out more as we got older. This felt a bit weird, like a realization that it was not so amicable all that time but I guess we were mature enough by that point to understand and appreciate being shielded from the animosity.

All that being said I guess focusing on validating your DC’s feelings is possibly the least toxic way forward. Eg letting them know it’s ok to be disappointed or to feel let down with ExDH does something to disappoint them or let them down. So not passing comment on him, or his behaviors even, but helping them understand that their own feelings are appropriate in order to help them continue to develop their own boundaries and principles.

Thanks everyone. We haven’t seen him for dust for about 3.4/4 years. They miss him but I have taken your views on board.

I sometimes wonder if I should apply for some legal permanent residence thing as I have now been a single parent for about ten years.