Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DS is being a CF

18 replies

awsrb320042000 · 22/08/2023 23:04

I posted about a week ago which didn't get many responses and I don't know how to link, sorry! But my DS is 14, in a relationship with another boy aged 16, 17 in a few months.

When I last posted I had taken DS’s phone off of him. However, I gave it him back after a few days and I realised if I'm against the relationship DS will only want to be with him even more. I let DS invite him over for dinner one day last week and he brought him back here on Saturday after they’d been out. I told him that he wasn't allowed to take him to his room and he didn't argue back and seemed fine with it.

He's home alone during the day as I'm working, I came back yesterday and the boyfriend was over and DS didn't ask me and his reasons were that I would've said no. Again, today was the same thing but DS today told me his boyfriend was staying for dinner and argued back when I said no so I eventually gave in, mainly because I could see it was awkward for the boyfriend.

Then he asked if bf could stay over which I refused as DS is still very young and they haven't been together very long but again DS was arguing back until he eventually backed down and bf left but since then he's been telling me I'm unfair and he hates me and I still can't stop him inviting him over during the day and has said he'll do the same tomorrow.

AIBU in being fed up with DS and thinking he's being a CF by taking advantage of this? I'm thinking of not going to work now.

OP posts:
Thelondonone · 22/08/2023 23:08

If you can work from home I would. I think it’s fair to say they are having sex but 14 is very young.

Cherrysoup · 22/08/2023 23:08

Can you speak to the NSPCC re safeguarding and the law re underage sex? It’s statutory rape even if your ds consents if this other boy has sex with him.

ZombieNations · 22/08/2023 23:09

Take the phone again, and the wifi router to work with you!
your house, your rules!
you son is still underage no matter how grown he likes to think he is!

Raindancer411 · 22/08/2023 23:10

It's your house and you are the parent, if you say no one is allowed, he shouldn't be inviting him. This is disrespecting you, and I would be having a word. I hope someone can give you better advice, sorry to not be very helpful.

If my parents had said no to something, I wouldn't have gone behind their back or spoke to them like that.

Clymene · 22/08/2023 23:14

Your son is 14 and his boyfriend is nearly 17. He could be charged with rape. Your son is under the age of consent, the boyfriend is over.

You're his mother. Why are you being so passive?

WinterWitchy · 22/08/2023 23:14

Why are you backing down to him? There is no way I’d put up with a 14 year old telling me what’s happening in my own home. Get firm with him, no means no and if that embarrasses him in front of his boyfriend it’s his issue. Stop giving in to him.

FOJN · 22/08/2023 23:23

He's home alone during the day as I'm working, I came back yesterday and the boyfriend was over and DS didn't ask me and his reasons were that I would've said no. Again, today was the same thing but DS today told me his boyfriend was staying for dinner and argued back when I said no so I eventually gave in, mainly because I could see it was awkward for the boyfriend.

He didn't ask if it was OK for the boyfriend to come over because you would have said no? Why are you letting him get away with not asking permission?

Your son made it awkward for the boyfriend and you have encouraged him to repeat the behaviour by backing down so the boyfriend has this to look forward to on each visit.

I think you need some ground rules. Perhaps suggest one or two nights of the week the boyfriend is welcome for dinner and agree these in advance. Your son needs to understand that it's not acceptable to expect you to cater for additional people without notice.

How you stop the boyfriend coming over when you are at work I don't know but both of them being alone all day it is a concern, especially given your son's age.

FeatherBower · 22/08/2023 23:29

I don't think yabu, regardless of the genders in the relationship, I would never want my child who is in a relationship with someone alone at home with a partner, or staying over at night.

Have you had a talk with your son why as a parent you feel you need to set this boundary? Explained a concern for safety and respect in the home and to also your feelings too as a patent.

He may or may not get it but at least he may know its out of love or care, even if not now but in future he will get it.

A calm conversation without the addition of the boyfriend. Let you both talk it out. Discuss safe sex and the importance of being safe with him too because although ur aim is to prob avoid that situation, if he were to end up there at least you know he has the tools to stay safe along with the reminder it would be illegal due his partners age.

Its a really tricky one as being too strict could push one way and visa versa with being too soft. At this age its so tricky.

Maybe try and set boundaries such as partner can come over x amounts a week at these times but not when you are out or working. Knowing you trust him would likely be important to him too. Do you think he would do anything he shouldn't? Do you feel you can trust him? Or the partner? Maybe involve the partners parents if its safe for the partner and parents know his relationship details? Maybe having both sides involved would hone it in for both of them as i assume your sons partner is also going against your boundaries in your own home given the awkward conversation you had with your son in front of him.

Its hard to kind of stick it into one category or advice because it also depends on the individual, his maturity level, hes character, etc

This must be so difficult to navigate. Sorry I'm a tad useless but hopefully some of what I said may give you some support in this difficult situation.

LakeTiticaca · 22/08/2023 23:32

I would be speaking to the bfs parents and warning them that ds is 14 and their son is not to be round your house when you are not present and that you fully intend to get the police involved if this continues

Original poster
awsrb320042000 · 22/08/2023 23:32

I'm not being passive, I'm very unhappy about the relationship especially as DS originally lied about his boyfriends age but I don't want to push him away.

Unfortunately, working from home isn't possible. I don't mind DS inviting friends over if I'm working but previously he’d ask for permission and I know those friends very well.

OP posts:
Ella31 · 22/08/2023 23:40

He's a minor. Am I missing something here, OP. This is very concerning.

hopsalong · 22/08/2023 23:44

This is ridiculous. If you had a 14 year old daughter would you feel fine about her having a 17 year old boyfriend over to stay? Would you feel fine about her having sex?

Your son is too young to be in a sexual relationship or to be using the word boyfriend. He may have a very close friend that he has a crush on/ is in love with / would like to have sex with, but for now (as for generations of teenagers before him) that's where it should stop.

Clymene · 23/08/2023 00:15

FeatherBower · 22/08/2023 23:29

I don't think yabu, regardless of the genders in the relationship, I would never want my child who is in a relationship with someone alone at home with a partner, or staying over at night.

Have you had a talk with your son why as a parent you feel you need to set this boundary? Explained a concern for safety and respect in the home and to also your feelings too as a patent.

He may or may not get it but at least he may know its out of love or care, even if not now but in future he will get it.

A calm conversation without the addition of the boyfriend. Let you both talk it out. Discuss safe sex and the importance of being safe with him too because although ur aim is to prob avoid that situation, if he were to end up there at least you know he has the tools to stay safe along with the reminder it would be illegal due his partners age.

Its a really tricky one as being too strict could push one way and visa versa with being too soft. At this age its so tricky.

Maybe try and set boundaries such as partner can come over x amounts a week at these times but not when you are out or working. Knowing you trust him would likely be important to him too. Do you think he would do anything he shouldn't? Do you feel you can trust him? Or the partner? Maybe involve the partners parents if its safe for the partner and parents know his relationship details? Maybe having both sides involved would hone it in for both of them as i assume your sons partner is also going against your boundaries in your own home given the awkward conversation you had with your son in front of him.

Its hard to kind of stick it into one category or advice because it also depends on the individual, his maturity level, hes character, etc

This must be so difficult to navigate. Sorry I'm a tad useless but hopefully some of what I said may give you some support in this difficult situation.

This kid is not a partner.

THE OP'S SON IS FOURTEEN.

FFS can we please stop with this shit. He's a child. He is being exploited by an older boy who is over the age of consent. It's a crime which is reportable and punishable.

Tell the 6th former's parents that he either stop sexually abusing your year 9 child or you'll report him to the police.

Murdoch1949 · 23/08/2023 05:24

You need to be firm & consistent. Your son knows that if he keeps on at you, you will give in. You have to decide on your ground rules, inform your son then stick to them. I would be very concerned if my 14 yr old was in a sexual relationship with a 17 year old, girl or boy. I would go and talk to the bf's parents about the relationship. It is your house and your rules.

WaitingPainting · 23/08/2023 06:43

Why don't you get cctv or a ring doorbell. Then you will know what he is up to. He has shown to you that he can't be trusted

FeatherBower · 23/08/2023 16:59

OP states this is a 'boyfriend' and I don't say boyfriend or girlfriend in any regards in my own life, my language for this is 'partner' I am simply refrering back to the OP in regards to the secondary person in this post labelled by the OP as 'boyfriend'

I am also not aggressive in my language and I am talking to the OP with respect as I don't personally know her or all the ons and outs of her life or situation.

People come here for advice and to offer advice not to be spoken with anger or aggression.

Valerie23 · 23/08/2023 17:01

You must not give in or facilitate a sexual relationship because at 14 he is too young and needs protecting.

ManateeFair · 23/08/2023 17:15

It’s statutory rape even if your ds consents if this other boy has sex with him.

I don't know if people just watch too many American crime shows, but I constantly see people saying this on Mumsnet and it's simply not true in the UK. The law in the UK is much more complicated than that. Penetrative sex with a consenting 14 year old (even though they are below the legal age of consent) might be charged as 'sexual activity with a child' but unless there was coercion it probably wouldn't be charged as rape. It might be charged as rape if he was under 13.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread