Who should contact who in this situation?

[Sheswearingthatdressinggownagain]

Live overseas. Had a v good friend here for ten plus years, she moved back to the U.K. a few years ago but continued to come out most years (didn’t stay with me, has family place)
We’d always meet up at first, but less over the years, she had two more children, me one, life is busy etc I guess.
She hasn’t been out for a couple of years but the last time she came, we didn’t meet up, don’t think she mentioned anything and I felt a bit 😞
Anyway, about six months ago she said she was coming in August and we must try to meet up, I said I’d love that and to just text me when she was here to make plans.
She tagged me in a few memes etc (not my preferred choice of communication
as I’d prefer to message/chat like with other friends, but it’s fine)
Didn’t hear from her and didn’t know she was here, until she posted on Fb pictures of her here, so I thought ‘Oh’ 🤷🏻‍♀️
Didn’t message her as assumed if she wanted to meet up, she’d text as we did say that, plus it’s her holiday, I’m flexible to work around her as we live here. Heard nothing and then saw today she’d posted about being home after an amazing holiday 🥹
Its pretty clear she doesn’t want to meet up with me isn’t it? Why say this every time? Or was it up to me to contact her, I don’t think it was
Would you forget about this friendship? We’ve known each other for 17 years but obviously drifted since she went back, I’ve always tried in the past but just end up feeling hurt each time.
Looking at the pictures, even Dh said ‘Oh did you not meet up with X?’ She was literally 5 minutes away from us

Maybe not as deep as you thought, but that doesn't mean you weren't good friends at the time. Some people have the same friendships for decades, others make friendships in a more situational way and fhose friendships end or fade when things in their life change, like moving away or having a baby. Some people come into your life for a season, some for a reason and some for a lifetime. It hurts if you think someone who's there for a season is there for a lifetime, but that doesn't mean you weren't good friends at the time.

So many times on here I read about people upset about friendships drifting and very rarely does it seem that the person upset has made much effort to initiate contact. Rather, they stew on the other person not initiating contact.

It’s not clear from your OP how often you message her first to maintain the friendship. Why did you not contact her before August to see if she was still up for meeting up? Or why didn’t you message her when you knew she was in the country to see if she had time to see you?

You sound very passive from what you’ve written - grasp the nettle and contact her next time, you’ll then know by her reaction if the friendship has run its course.

@BellaJuno I said earlier that I’d stopped initiating as it was always me making the effort to message and I always felt let down

Apologies, I missed your subsequent post making that clearer. My advice still stands though, I’d have checked in with her when you knew she was about to arrive and / or in the country and you would then have known for sure whether there was any friendship left to maintain.

I’ve been in friendships where you drift apart and feel crap about it, but have always felt better when I’ve taken the initiative to clarify if there’s anything worth maintaining. Then you can move on without feeling in limbo.

@BellaJuno This is the thing though, when she said we must try to meet up, I said definitely and that I’d love to see her and for her to message and let me know when she was here and we’d meet up…she didn’t, just made a Fb post of all the things she was doing

With other friends I made here who also have moved back to the U.K., they’ve messaged and said they’re coming out, I’ve said similar-to let me know when they’re here. They’ve arrived, messaged me the days they’re free and we’ve met up, all simple, all great

I agree that you should let the friendship drift because you two don't seem compatible.

We will have no idea on this thread why she didn't get in touch, but you've made it clear that she "didn't use your preferred method of communication" and that when you saw that she was in the country your response was to do nothing.

For all we know, she's anywhere between not caring about seeing you, to feeling pissed off that she did broadcast her presence and you did nothing to respond.

That doesn't make either of you right or wrong, but if you're going to act this way and feel this way, then no, this isn't the friendship for you.

@thecatsthecats Harsh!! It’s happened a few times now and as I’ve said, I always made so much effort in the past

How is it harsh? I feel that what I said was neutral.

We only have your actions and choices to go by here. I'm not saying that you did anything bad or wrong, only that the friendship isn't for you if you don't like to communicate the way she does.

You made choices that were absolutely fine, but that could have changed the outcome. If you're not happy to do more, then no, the friendship is done.

(I couldn't say that any of my friendships create a perfect, harmonious balance of likes, dislikes and effort given. But we both "accept the terms" as it were.)

This is so weird. Posting on Facebook isn't a method of communication as it's not always certain everyone sees it. That's so ridiculous to think that by posting she was there that she thought, right she will see that then message me so I've done my bit! Any normal person would say directly... hey I'm here let's meet up!

Agree

People can tag others /check in way after an event and often facebook doesn't show all the messages anyway to other users. It's a poor way to communicate

If she had posted "I am in London x day, will be at pub x from 13 onwards" and tagged everyone, that may be acceptable way of letting everyone know. I have that from sone friends in australlia and they see mixed groups all at once. Very efficient!

It’s actually simple, OP. Do you want to see her? If so, stop stewing over who contacted who last or most often, and contact her directly. And not ‘Oh, we must meet up’, which is the kind of meaningless phrase often parroted by people who have no desire to or intention of meeting up at all, ever — say ‘Would love to see you’ and suggest specific dates, times, activities. Ask her for dinner or something. That is, if you want to see her. If not, let the friendship die.

@SecondhandSalute We must meet up is what she said to me 😂

Oh no wait, it was, we must *Try to meet up
Ahh sod her, I was a brilliant friend to her for so long, her loss, I have lots of other fantastic pals who treat me in a decent way.

@bladebladebla1 Exactly!