To ask if my marriage is (semi) dead

[bnks268]

Hi, I have no one to talk to and I am turning to MN. My husband and I have been together for 5 years and have two lovely kids. That said, with 2 under 2, our life is just an endless grind either around our full time jobs or the children. At night, when we put them to bed we only have energy to watch a show and sleep in a while. There's very little romance, sex, or loving communication. We're all about our errands, work matters, purchase of new house etc. He is very enthusiastic about us getting a bigger place, but somewhat selfishly, I wish he'd put more enthusiasm into me. He barely changes the topic and I feel dull, old and boring, as if my life had ran its course and I will only be a carer and a name on the mortgage.

I still love him and he has lots of wonderful qualities: hard-working, nice, smart, polite, doting dad. I just wonder, are we in this rut because of the endless exhaustion around the children or had it all fizzled?

I am no expert, but surely the exhaustion is a key part. Can you add something new to your daily routine to do together? Listen to music together with a glass of wine instead of TV for example? Sometimes a little change can go far. Good luck

I wouldn’t be getting bogged down with a bigger mortgage unless I was sure of the relationship

plenty of people advised me not to make any big decisions until your youngest is 2. Before then you’re just in the trenches. You’re so busy and you default into room mate mode because you’ve got so many demands on your time. And then, when they are all 4 and over and more independent you have more time for eachother again.

that’s not to say this applies in situations of abuse and it’s not to say that if you’re feeling unhappy or like things are unequal you shouldn’t try and change things. Just know that it feels hard because it is hard and working and having young kids can feel relentless sometimes.

hes probably feeling lost too. You can lose yourself in parenthood when kids are so young. I know I have at times.

"I still love him and he has lots of wonderful qualities: hard-working, nice, smart, polite, doting dad." To me that doesn't scream separation- you like, love and respect him and can see he has good qualities.
That said, you can try and find more time for each other but remember relationships need work - making time or being intimate will sometimes feel like work but hopefully it's worth it.

2 young children and work is exhausting and all consuming. It gets so much easier and you will have time and energy for each other when they get older x