Grandma forgetting grandkids birthday..

[FeatherBower]

I have 3 DS (22,15 and just turned 7) and they are 3 of 7 grandchildren and 6 great grandchildren to my mother. My eldest has always been the golden child and my mum always treated him as the favourite despite my sister and I pleading with her to treat all the grandkids equally, anyway she never ever forgets any of her great or grandkids birthdays especially my eldests, but my other 2 she has been getting worse at remembering their birthdays in specific the last 3 years in a row (15yo and 7yo). My sons (7yo) birthday was last week, and a week prior I reminded my mum it was his birthday by highlighting I was buying his gifts, she made a comment with a giggle how she thought his birthday was October and I said no mum its in August as always and it is in exactly seven days naming the exact date. I have received no call, no text from my mum and infact both sides of the family have forgotten my sons birthday with only 1 family member, my SIL sending a birthday message, but more than anything I am so upset that my mum who always calls to remind me of every other grandkids birthday, has totally 'forgotten' my sons birthday completely again. I usually call her every week but now I feel like I just can't be bothered. My mum is retired, does nothing but organise her day in order of what soaps she wants to watch. If I invite her here she makes excuses not to come, such as waiting for a parcel or reorganising her cupboard or building a spice rack, too hot out, too cold, her dog needs a bath etc and if she does come on the rare occasion, comes during school hours and will stay an hour tops. She won't hang around to say hi to my kids but will happily go and stay with my neice and her 3 kids for weeks at a time. I feel a little bitter I can't lie. Shes forgetting 2 of my kids and doesn't seem at all interested in them, especially on their birthdays. They adore her and often ask when they can see her. If I don't take them to her shes not bothered if she sees them or not. Alot of my friends parents do so much for their grandkids and secretly it males me so sad for my kids, all I want is a phone call for them on their birthday. Am I just being a brat or would this bother you too?

In what way do your kids actually adore her?

Asking when we are next seeing her could mean a lot of things, both positive and negative.
Is she a source of sweets/money which children tend to judge as awesome?
Or does she genuinely get interested in what they are doing, help out with looking after them?

The 7-yr-old who doesn't get a birthday present from her is unlikely to have the same views as the 22-yr-old - who is old enough to organize their own contact with her.

next time she reminds you of X birthday just say ‘oh I thought we weren’t doing gifts? Bob didn’t even get a card last week from his family!

The treat your DC

Yanbu. Happy birthday to your ds x

It would really upset me if I didn't hear from my dgm on my birthday so can imagine how upset your children are
My gran (73) has 2 children, 5 grandchildren and 1 great grandson. Along with 4 siblings and whoever else, she remembers all our birth dates
I am shit at remembering aaaalll the dates (I know the important ones) but everyone else I may forget is in my calendar

Have you said anything to her about the most recent forgetting? Or pulled her up before?

They adore her has when they have stayed with her in the past for the odd night or two she let's them play on devices for pretty much the whole time which I wouldn't allow. Thats fun to them, however she is attentative when they have been there making them whatever food they ask for and speaks to them about school etc, prob all the things she don't know about them through lack of interest/contact. They haven't stayed with her often, the last time was around 2 years ago, however will jump at going to stay with her. I haven't approached my mum about the latest missed birthday yet the last one was my 15yo in July. My sons birthdays run concurrent as in July (15yo), Aug (7yo) and Sept (22yo). When she missed my 15yo she said she thought it was in June, and I said 'Oh so only over a month late then?' And she changed the subject back to her dog. I feel like I reminded her so why should I now discuss it again after the last missed birthday last month? I know my eldest will get a call and money which is great for him, I just know the other 2 can't ever expect the same. And I don't expect her the gift them just acknowledge them would he great.

They should get the same. Call her out on it. Tell her that she's to treat them all the same or not to bother at all.

I've done this about a million times along with my sister and other family members. I've always been my mums obvious least favourite of 3 children. I'm wondering if my younger 2 are now the pick of unfavourable where as before it was my sisters younger 2 who are now adults.

Hmm if it was me and I thought she genuinely forgot I would remind her that morning so the children don't feel left out. If she still doesn't bother with calling and gifts etc then it's not about her forgetting, she's just very rude.
I find some grandparents do favour some grandchildren and sooner or later the kids will figure this out themselves. They'll also realise you always made an effort so they don't feel left out

My Dad does not remember any of his grandkids (or kids for that matter!) birthdays! It's not because he doesn't care it's just there;s so many of them and my Mum always sorted birthday cards etc when she was alive. So now he has a calendar hung up in his kitchen and has asked us all to put in our birthdays/kids birthdays/graduation dates etc so he doesn't miss any. He has a stack of cards in the cupboard and just does cash every birthday so it's easier for him.

Could you get her a calendar and joke around and say oh I'll just pop the kids birthdays in here in case you forget nearer the time?

I just messaged our family group chat to ask where everyone was and my mum replied that she had just got back from my neices after staying there for a week, I said that was nice and mentioned OH BTW you forgot xx birthday again, he was 7 last week. She responded that she will come and see him before he goes back to school but I told her she not to worry now as she wouldnt of realised till prob next year if I hadn't of mentioned it. (I was annoyed and feel a bit bad now as I was being arsy with that comment) She replied that I should of told her and I mentioned I reminded her 7 days prior and that she had joked she thought it was in October, where I told her the specific date. She didn't respond further having prob remembered the call and the fact i said not to worry. I have got her loads of calenders in the past with my kids birthdays pre marked and they get a text to my phone on the day that I show them so they can read it, they usually smile and ask to send one back or usually video call to talk about their presents. I guess its me hoping for more for them. Knowing how little memories they will have. Their grandads have both passed and didn't get to know them and both grandmothers are preoccupied with their other grandkids. I guess I'm just really pissed off this is the reality for my kids. Pardon my language.

What does she expect for her birthday? Do you make a fuss of her?
Just wondering where her boundaries are?

I always get her presents, and a card. Her last birthday in we (my sister and I) threw her a party.

My mum hasn't made afford on my birthdays since I was 16 but every year I make sure she has gifts. I call her in the morning and sing happy birthday like a goofy idiot down the phone.

I get a text around late evening just saying happy birthday and she writes my name in abreviated text language which I hate, at least on my birthday write my name right.

In context my 22 yo son gets a call and money in his account every birthday from her. As do the other grandkids except my sisters eldest as apparently when over 21 you shouldn't get gifts anymore, my eldest obv being the exception for that rule.

She gave one of the great grandkids money and he showed the other kids who got nothing, when he was about to say who he got it from my mum chimed in and made him lie that he found it, to avoid all the kids obviously wondering why they didn't get the same.

I guess I just have to accept she won't be much interested and try to shield that from my kids. They get more than enough and don't miss out from me.

The more I write responses the bigger this picture grows.

Her boundaries are scattered and disjointed.