WWYD, stay or go?

[Fortgeloveofsleep]

Posting here for traffic but you could also decide if IABU I suppose.

Partner and I have a 1 year old. We've had a very rough first year of parenthood which feels as though it's permanently damaged our relationship (we keep going around in a cycle of talking it out and gradually ending back up in the same position, just usually quicker each time). Home life now looks like two adults who don't communicate now past necessity, don't spend any time together, don't show each other any affection and generally seem irritated by each other's presence. My partner is completely emotionally checked out, he seems constantly frustrated by our toddler for just being a toddler and he's more angry than I've ever known him. Not in a way that I feel threatened but in a way that is mentally exhausting to even be around, and I of course worry about what our child is picking up on. I've tried addressing my partner's demeanour on numerous occasions and he doesn't see the problem. It's not a healthy scenario for anyone in my opinion and I want to leave, even if it ends up being temporarily.

Except I "can't". I'm just starting back at work part time (I've dropped my hours for childcare purposes as we cannot afford the fees), and the times when we're both at work my MIL is supposed to be having our child. Leaving would mean going to stay with my mum who lives over an hour away who works full time. She wouldn't be able to look after our child and I wouldn't be able to get to work (I do 12 hour shifts as a clinician in an A&E department).

I'm already in poor health from post-partum related issues and I've spoken to both my work and occupational health because I don't feel I can cope or am safe to be clinical at this time. I haven't been able to tell them about my home life though because my partner works for the same organisation and information about things I've said has gotten back to him before, so there's no way I can reveal what's going on at home. So because I've only disclosed my post-partum health, I've been deemed fit to work.

This means I'm trapped staying in a home environment that's making me depressed, compounding my health issues and likely to negatively impact our child. If I leave I have no childcare (MIL will completely turn against me and I have no alternative aside from her and my partner), therefore I can't work, and can't reasonably travel 2.5 hours to and from work each day on top of 12 hour shifts even if I could afford external childcare. I can't quit work and leave because then I have no income or way to support myself. I also can't go sick because I've already been assessed and deemed fit to work so I can't "randomly" go off, and I can't be honest about the added issues in fear that it'll get back to my partner that I've been "badmouthing" him.

I know people are going to say that whatever I say has to be confidential but I just can't trust them that it is after he's been spoken to before about things I've told management in supposed confidence (related to my personal health).

Please tell me WWYD because I can't see a way out.

Desperation bump

What has caused the shift from presumably a happy relationship before the child?

Lack of intimacy?

Would you both be prepared to go to marriage guidance counselling and be seen together and alone to try and sort out your problems?

I would have a frank conversation with DH, what’s making him sad, what’s making you sad how can you both try better?. Are you willing to go to counselling?

If you had a good relationship prior to having your child I think it’s worth seeing if it can be saved. The first few years of children is rough on relationships but if needs good communication to get through it.

He resents me for the fact I didn't still prioritise our relationship when I was exhausted, overwhelmed and completely touched out and that he's always felt like the third wheel of our family unit. He says the fact he raised how he felt in the earlier days and I seemed to treat it like it wasn't important (because I didn't do the things he wanted me to like 'go back to my old self'), has hurt him past the point of reconciliation as he was going through a difficult time with family and felt like I didn't support him. It wasn't intentional, I was just quite unwell and couldn't handle being everyone's everything.

Thank you, we do/have had quite intense conversations throughout the last 13 months, and it clears the air for a short period and then just declines again. We're going around in circles because the things that have made him feel as resentful as he does can't be changed now.

I'm not adverse to couples counselling but having made some enquiries in the last couple of months, the cost is considerably more than I anticipated (£90-100 a session) and not something we could afford more than a couple of times.

Your situation is desperate and you must be terribly stressed. From what you have said, leaving your partner now is practically impossible, with your return to work, your childcare issues, your finances. You may need to try to get through the next few years, easy for me to say, until your child is old enough for nursery. During this time you may find that life at home improves as your child gets older. You and your partner might be able to find a way back to the place you originally brought you together. I'm not saying stay, no matter what, but stay until you can find a way to live on your own with your child, if this is what it comes down to.

This sounds really stressful, In so sorry. You say you "can't" be honest with work about the extent of your mental health problems because of the risk it gets back to your DP. But...so what? If you're telling the truth about your health so you can get the support you need...so be it. If you think your relationship is over anyway....? Obviously you don't want them to tell him but they shouldn't anyway and if they do a)it's on them not you and b) ultimately, so what?

It sounds like you think you are not well enough for a clinical environment and you need to either have reasonable adjustments or be off sick. Is there any chance doing this could buy you some time to be off sick, leave your DH, go stay with your mum, and look for another job that's more manageable as a single parent?