That my DP just communicates plans with me?

[Lemonadedrinker23]

My DP and I have been together 2 years, living together (he moved into mine) since earlier this year. DP has two DDs and I don't have any children, unless you count a furbaby!

Ever since we have got together my DP will have his DDs whenever he is not working and as he does shift work this is 3 days out of every week and it can be any three days... weekends, weekdays, etc. It constantly changes. I WFH running my own business, which at times is stressful. Since the DDs have got older, they tend to spend more time with friends/clubs etc and it has become more sporadic as to when they come over, but I will have no clue when they are coming over as DP never let's me know.

To some extent it doesn't matter and for the most part I just remain flexible. But there are occasions when it bugs me, because life has been really hectic, I've barely had a break recently, plus I am recovering from a major op and sometimes I just want a tiny bit of space. So it would just be cool to be given the heads up.... not asked, just some forewarning about plans. I've been used to my own space and as much as I respect he has DDs (and they're great kids) it would be nice if he took into account that maybe I need time on occasion where something isn't going on.

The biggest issue is, when DP is at work, I am juggling chores, a business, a puppy, etc. Which means from 6:30 to 9/10pm I don't stop. Last week I was walking 2.5miles per day without leaving the house. When he is here I am usually catching up on work but I also try to get some time off to spend with him because we rarely get the weekends with his shift work.

Also, for the past few months we've been using my car a lot for various reasons. We brought a new one and it's had to go back to the garage - annoying. But DP has then made arrangements with the DDs to drop them off places and again, doesn't let me know he's taking my car until he's basically going. He does fill the tank back up, but he cannot see why he should give me some forewarning.

So aibu? He gets so offended when I mention anything, we just had yet another argument over this, but I just have this constant feeling I'm to just fit in around what he is doing?

Are you serious? Thus guy moved into your house & moved his child in half the time, uses your car and doesn't even have the courtesy to tell you.

Take back control. He can be offended elsewhere but he needs to be respectful if he intends on staying around.

He thinks his time is more important than yours. He is sending a clear message about his priorities and keeping you informed/taking your feelings in to account is very low down the list.

I get what you are saying. Its not about asking permission, its just being given a bit of a heads up. I mean he must know when they are coming. A quick "the girls will be over next thursday for a couple of days, i'll just need to borrow the car for a bit friday morning, hopoe thats ok", is not hard is it?
Its called basic courtesy for the other the person you live with!

Perhaps next time he says he is taing the car, just say "oh you can't I have to run out urgently for xyz reason, i'll be back in a couple hours, you should of let me know." Rince and repeat. it'll be annoying having to go out a few times when you don't need to, but maybe that'll get the message into his head when its him being inconvenienced instead of you.

My partner and I send each other calendar invites. Would that work for you? That way you can see what's happening.

You must be absolutely desperate for a man to allow this one to use, you, your home and your car like this.

He hasn't an ounce of respect for you, and neither do you, to allow this.

Sorry if that is harsh but you badly need to give your head a wobble and do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you find some self respect and boundaries.

His behaviour is NOT normal.

Its the behaviour of a selfish prick who couldn't care less about you.

Of course he is offended.

Typical prick behaviour towards someone he couldn't care less about.

Give your head a wobble.

You deserve SO much better than this.

He is definitely taking the mick. I don't blame you at all for feeling annoyed. He has taken over your house and car and you have to fit in with him and his kid's life. Time to take back control.

I appreciate your sentiment, but calling me absolutely desperate for a man is a little strong and actually daft as you've no clue into my life or the circumstances outside this particular situation.

It would be akin to me saying your probably very unliked in RL as from your one comment you come across as a knob. But in reality I suspect there's more depth to you than that :)

Thank you for understanding exactly where I am coming from, not judging my entire relationship outside this one situation I asked advice on and for the idea on the car being used.. I will give that a go.

Like you say, annoying but needs must!

@billy1966’s comment may have been strongly worded but it reflects what this situation looks like on the outside. You have been with your DP for only 2 years and yet this is the dynamic that you have already found yourself in. Why are you with your DP? What’s keeping you with him and holding you back from finding someone who, at the very least, doesn’t emotionally blackmail you when you raise an issue with them?

And no, you’re not being unreasonable, but hopefully you already know that.

Tell him to move out until he gets some respect for you.

I think you would be well within your rights to say "this arrangement is no longer working for me". Whether he moves out and you continue dating is up to you, but I don't think this set up is something you need to commit to anymore

OP, you can be as offended as you like, but we teach people how to treat us.

You have clearly taught him it is A OK to move into YOUR home and treat you, it, your time and your car, with the respect he would treat something on his shoe.

It's working for him, .....isn't it?

He's still being housed and using your home for his children and your car🤷🏻‍♀️.

Men like him wouldn't last 5 minutes with a woman with self esteem and standards, because they wouldn't allow themselves to be treated with such contempt.

He would have been told to get his shit together and pack his bags.....

They would have kicked him out a long time ago, and they sure as hell wouldn't be handing over the keys to their car.

No one who genuinely cared for you would treat you with such casual disrespect and contempt.

But this is your life and if this is how you wish to be treated by those who live in your home, crack on.

It is YOUR life.

@Lemonadedrinker23 - I'm afraid I'm with @billy1966 .

You need to learn about boundaries, self-esteem and not being taken for a mug.

This guy is a cocklodger. You've known him 2 years and you have let him take over your house, your car and your life. This is not healthy. You are stressed and your quality of life has nosedived. You can bet that this will only get worse.

Let him get offended when you tell him youre no longer putting up with this. If it were me I'd take back my home (and workplace!) and let him be offended elsewhere.

I agree with this completely, what you're asking for (some consideration and better communication) is entirely reasonable OP and you shouldn't have to pretend to need your own car. There's a saying (which I can't properly remember) about how much you find out about a person when you say 'no' to them and I think you should pay very close attention to your DP's reaction to you communicating your boundaries.

I fell into the trap of being (too) easygoing about exactly this kind of stuff and it seriously bit me on the arse later down the line so my advice is get this sorted now before habits become ingrained. Be very clear, the current situation is not working for you and changes will have to be made if you're going to be happy in this relationship, and don't let him use his 'offence' to shut you down. You deserve to be considered and if he can't balance that with his commitment to his DC then maybe he shouldn't be in a relationship.

If its like this already I dread to think of what it will be like in a year or two time. Your needs are clearly below his

I'm leaning towards what @billy1966 has said tbh.

It's 'your' car so therefore he shouldn't even have the keys should he? If he needs a vehicle to schlepp his kids around in, then he needs to buy one of his own surely? What would happen if you had an emergency need for the car whilst he was using it; you'd be stuffed.

It also sounds like you have shifted your life-patterns (i.e. work/chores/down-time) to suit his shifts so that you can get more time together. What level of effort does he made to ensure you both get more time together?

Deep down, do you really believe he would be with you if you didn't have the house?

Agree you're not BU to want a heads up. It's your house and your car! Definitely start saying no to teach him he can't just take the car when he fancies it.

And while once of the pp was a bit harsh - I can see what they mean. You've done all the giving and he's done all the taking!

They ALWAYS somehow manage to find a solvent woman with her own home.

Of course they do, someone willing to provide housing is top of their list particularly as lowering CM is THEIR priority.

Take back control and force him to give you the respect you deserve. Get a big calendar or diary and INSIST that he puts his plans on it - every little thing that impacts you, your car, your house, etc. Make a rule that anything not on the calendar/diary simple doesn't happen! If he forgets to put his plans on the calendar, then refuse to do things for him on those days however important they are. If he doesn't refuel the car, ensure you don't either so that there's no fuel on the days he takes it so he either refills it himself or he breaks down! (Obviously remember to check it for your own journeys and when you need it, just put a smaller amount in rather than filling it up!). Play him at his own game. He's taking you for a mug, so don't put up with it. And no, don't "pretend" to need the car, to go out for a works meeting, to have to go out for errands, etc - just be upfront, you have no need to make excuses as to why you need YOUR car or why you need space/time to do YOUR work, your chores, etc. As it stands he clearly thinks his needs are more important than yours and doesn't have any respect at all for you. You need to put a stop to his behaviour right now or show him the door.

I agree it’s fine to say to him “this doesn’t work for me” - obviously he communicates with his DDs so they know which days he’s off work then tell him when they are coming over and check with him they can have lifts, so he does know in advance all of this. He’s just acting like he’s single and then doesn’t need to share this info with you, even more irritating as it’s your house and your car that the girls are arranging to visit/use.

so it’s simple - he can tell you in advance what’s going on and ask if he can borrow your car /check you don’t have plans, or if he wants to live like he doesn’t have another adult to fit round, move out. You two could just date and run separate homes, and separate cars.

Billy1966 posts on many relationship threads her style and advice doesn't pull punches but I'd say she usually nails it