Is there any possible reason besides intent to cheat?

[MuddyBootz]

I realise this might be the most obvious AIBU ever written, but what I'm hoping for is a bit more insight the the questions I'll pose at the bottom beyond the obvious.

I was in an LTR.

He took a job on the other side of the country, saying it was an amazing opportunity and he'd save money for us to get married.

I was invited with him but could not go due to my kids and work but we did heaps of video calls, letters and he visited every month.

I had no idea, but he had presented himself as single to his new friends and workmates. Didn't mention me at all.

He began a relationship with someone else. He did, after a few weeks tell this woman about me but implied it was complicated. It wasn't at all complicated. We were in a committed relationship supposedly.

When I found out obviously I dumped him, but one question is bothering me.

He absolutely swears that he never intended to cheat. But AIBU in thinking that by hiding he had a GF he was deliberately leaving his options open?

AIBU for thinking therefore that was likely his express intention / wish from the outset?

AIBU for thinking that he pretty much wanted to cheat, from before he even met the person he cheated with, and that he was not committed to me as I thought?

AIBU for thinking that even without cheating, hiding that you have a long term GF is insulting AF?

It is obvious he felt bad, guilty and even hugely regretted it all. But is it just me? It seems like he SET OUT to basically do it?

A reminder...I did dump him already. I just have this question bugging me.

Of course he did. You only hide a partner because you want to be seen as single/available and leave your options open as you suggested. And even if he hadn’t ‘meant’ to, he’s still cheated so it’s null and void anyway.

You’ve done the right thing kicking him to the curb, try and look forward and not give him any more headspace because he’s not worth your thoughts anymore.

Thank you. I just wanted to clarify that it was ridiculous to claim it "just happened"

Course he did.

Why would you hide a girlfriend if you didn’t want someone to think you are single.

I very rarely talk very detailed about dp. I am a very private person. But everyone at work knows I have a partner.

You don't hide being in a relationship unless you're keeping your options open and have it somewhere in your consciousness that you might want to enter into another relationship. When this guy moved out of the area, he deliberately omitted being in a committed relationship so should the opportunity arise to play away, he could do so without new friends and acquaintances knowing what a prick he actually is.

Yes it's insulting AF.
Yes it was a conscious deliberate decision.
Yes he intended on this happening because long distance didn't actually work for him.

However, I expect he intended to end things with you when this situation arose, but when it did he decided to have his cake and eat it instead. And then he got caught. I doubt he told the OW out of his own choice. I can bet money that she got suspicious and discovered you.

He's a prize pillock and you deserve better. Well done for getting rid.

Not wanted to cheat, he was looking for a better suited relationship imo, and he found one. Very selfish behaviour.

To be honest the first red flag is moving to the other end of the country for a job. You don't up and leave for a job without significant consultation and agreement which I suspect he didn't do. Sounds like he kept you as back up until he met someone new.

Sorry OP

He was exploring other options while keeping you as a back-up. Very shoddy behaviour. Try to think of the episode as a bullet dodged.

I don’t think it’s intrinsically awful to move away for a job. Finances are important and people have to go where the work is. The post implies OP has kids with another father whom she couldn’t just uproot to be with this guy. I don’t think couples have to live together to be committed.

But yes moving away and pretending to be single means he was explicitly hoping to cheat. What a sleaze.

My point was you don't just up and move to a different part of the country without heavy discussion. It would have a massive impact on relationships so not something to be taken lightly. You can be committed and not live together, it seems in this case the partner just pissed off.