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Original poster

To be irked by SILs text?

27 replies

SnobblyBobbly · 22/08/2023 04:59

We were out for MILs birthday this evening, just me DH & our children with MIL & FIL, having not been invited for the umpteenth time (we always used to do these things together until they separated off) to the earlier meal with BIL & SIL so we arranged our own thing, and as soon as we sat down MIL reads out a text from SIL saying 'Say hello for us to Snobbly, Husband and kids - tell them we miss them.'

I spoke to SIL on Wednesday.

My last text to her was suggesting we meet up after our holiday - we leave this week so no time beforehand. Said we're free any weekend next month and to that I received a thumbs up. Nothing since which is fine, she might need to check stuff, and if it happens it happens.

Admittedly we haven't seen them in a while but we've never socialised and they make as little effort in that respect as we do -in fact for the majority of the time (18 years) we've been told how much BIL hates kids (now teenagers) so we've never felt that comfortable initiating casual get togethers. We just never developed the habit so as a by product of that we have a very 'basic package' relationship with them.

The delivery of this via MIL made it seem like we are these meanies who ignore them when it's always been like this. The kids don't know them that well so to say she 'misses' them seems disingenuous to me.

My face was puzzled and I just said - but we spoke last week Confused

For context SIL is married to my husbands brother. I just don't get this sudden gush of missing us - she didn't say she missed us on Wednesday.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 22/08/2023 05:15

Do it back. Wait till you know they’re having a meal out with MIL & send MIL a text for BIL & SIL exact same wording.

She’s stirring pretending they want to see you and you can’t be bothered.

Ragwort · 22/08/2023 05:16

I think you are seriously over thinking this ... just smile at the message and make a non committal comment and change the subject. I rarely see my own siblings but make the same sort of comment 'would be lovely to meet up' without really meaning it.

Seddon · 22/08/2023 05:21

I think it's telling that your mind jumped straight to thinking it was a passive aggressive attack on you.

Is it possible she really just meant to say hi and she misses you all, without it being loaded with accusations? You could have just replied 'aw, say hi back and we miss her too.'

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 22/08/2023 05:26

I would not think it was anything but a sweet message.

WandaWonder · 22/08/2023 05:57

So your automatic response is to make it about you?

Batalax · 22/08/2023 06:03

you should have replied “I wonder why they didn’t invite us to your birthday meal last week then. We’d have loved to have seen them”

Make sure mil knows it’s them rather than you, I agree with you op. She’s making out it’s not their fault, when it is.

Tilllly · 22/08/2023 06:06

WandaWonder · 22/08/2023 05:57

So your automatic response is to make it about you?

It is about her

Autieangel · 22/08/2023 06:13

It's a passive aggressive attack on you. If she missed you she would message you direct. Doing through mil while you are out for a meal suggests she has some issues.

ohcrums · 22/08/2023 06:29

Batalax · 22/08/2023 06:03

you should have replied “I wonder why they didn’t invite us to your birthday meal last week then. We’d have loved to have seen them”

Make sure mil knows it’s them rather than you, I agree with you op. She’s making out it’s not their fault, when it is.

I'd say something like this.

Like oh shame we weren't invited to the meal last week we'd have loved to have seen them. I spoke to them Wednesday and they didnt mention anything. Never mind maybe next time

Purditnin · 22/08/2023 06:49

It’s just a turn of phrase. In no way worthy of this level of analysis or ill feeling. She was just saying hello, she didn’t mean she literally misses you.

Itsokay2020 · 22/08/2023 06:53

Or could it be FOMO? Is SIL happy to not have children? Perhaps she rather likes the idea of a family meal with you all and it’s BIL that puts the dampeners on it?

I think there’s more to this, it’s an odd text to send without an agenda. But it also seems you’re happy with the current level of contact so I’d try to give it as little headspace as possible. Enjoy your holiday too!

Original poster
SnobblyBobbly · 22/08/2023 06:58

Seddon · 22/08/2023 05:21

I think it's telling that your mind jumped straight to thinking it was a passive aggressive attack on you.

Is it possible she really just meant to say hi and she misses you all, without it being loaded with accusations? You could have just replied 'aw, say hi back and we miss her too.'

But we don't have the kind of relationship where we say we miss one another - we never have.

I don't have a problem with SIL, we have a meet up pending. It just struck me as odd which is probably why it stood out.

I probably am overthinking it. I have a sister who lives abroad and we chat on the phone from time to time but I've not seen her for about three years

OP posts:
ItsNotRocketSalad · 22/08/2023 07:00

We were out for MILs birthday this evening, just me DH & our children with MIL & FIL, having not been invited for the umpteenth time (we always used to do these things together until they separated off) to the earlier meal with BIL & SIL so we arranged our own thing, and as soon as we sat down MIL reads out a text from SIL saying 'Say hello for us to Snobbly, Husband and kids - tell them we miss them.'

I'm really confused. Who separated off?

Original poster
SnobblyBobbly · 22/08/2023 07:03

I sent too soon - my phone screen is playing up.

I was going to say maybe my frame of reference is different because I don't equate not physically seeing someone as a reason to miss them. Talking/texting. And DH talks on the phone to his brother - I just found it a weird one.

And I am going to suggest we start doing these things together again because I'm not sure when it all became us and them doing separate things. I'd have thought with the kids being older that would have naturally got easier.

OP posts:
Original poster
SnobblyBobbly · 22/08/2023 07:08

ItsNotRocketSalad · 22/08/2023 07:00

We were out for MILs birthday this evening, just me DH & our children with MIL & FIL, having not been invited for the umpteenth time (we always used to do these things together until they separated off) to the earlier meal with BIL & SIL so we arranged our own thing, and as soon as we sat down MIL reads out a text from SIL saying 'Say hello for us to Snobbly, Husband and kids - tell them we miss them.'

I'm really confused. Who separated off?

Sorry - BIL & SIL began having separate meals out for birthdays with the in laws at some point. Think it began as a one off when we or they couldn't make it, but since then it became the norm.

OP posts:
Changingplace · 22/08/2023 07:08

We were out for MILs birthday this evening, just me DH & our children with MIL & FIL, having not been invited for the umpteenth time (we always used to do these things together until they separated off) to the earlier meal with BIL & SIL so we arranged our own thing

So you organise a meal with your in laws alone and that’s fine, but you resent not being invited to a similar event with Bil & Sil even though you’ve done the exact same?

You sound very over sensitive and contradictory and you’re reading more into Sil’s text than is necessary, I don’t think she’s the one with the problem.

Changingplace · 22/08/2023 07:10

SnobblyBobbly · 22/08/2023 07:03

I sent too soon - my phone screen is playing up.

I was going to say maybe my frame of reference is different because I don't equate not physically seeing someone as a reason to miss them. Talking/texting. And DH talks on the phone to his brother - I just found it a weird one.

And I am going to suggest we start doing these things together again because I'm not sure when it all became us and them doing separate things. I'd have thought with the kids being older that would have naturally got easier.

Yes suggesting that to Sil and your in-laws would be a much more normal response, do that rather than look for offence in everything.

Original poster
SnobblyBobbly · 22/08/2023 07:24

No they had their meal booked already and we hadn't been asked along so we simply did something else. I would have asked them to come with us if there wasn't already a plan their end - would have been the perfect opportunity to see them instead of making all different arrangements.

I've said let's meet up already so I'll just push to get that sorted and put my 'irk' to bed.

OP posts:
Original poster
SnobblyBobbly · 22/08/2023 07:28

Itsokay2020 · 22/08/2023 06:53

Or could it be FOMO? Is SIL happy to not have children? Perhaps she rather likes the idea of a family meal with you all and it’s BIL that puts the dampeners on it?

I think there’s more to this, it’s an odd text to send without an agenda. But it also seems you’re happy with the current level of contact so I’d try to give it as little headspace as possible. Enjoy your holiday too!

I don't know - it used to be something we spoke about and she always said she was happy. There was one time when we were discussing pros & cons of having kids and I was

OP posts:
Wheresthebloomingsummersunshine · 22/08/2023 07:30

SIL has FOMO (maybe its her DH who doesnt like joint meetups) which is why she texted your MIL and not you. Maybe next birthday suggest a joint meet up? If they decline then you know youve offered.

Original poster
SnobblyBobbly · 22/08/2023 07:33

Oh this phone! I'm going to give up as it keeps spontaneously posting too soon! but I think there are a few things potentially at play, as well as me overthinking it because it made me feel guilty when I had felt I was just going with the flow.

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 22/08/2023 09:13

It was performative ‘missing’ if you so they don’t look like twats in front of MIL and FIL, for essentially choosing to not include you in any birthday plans they make with the inlaws. That’s all. Which is probably why it irked you. Because it’s meaningless.

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 22/08/2023 09:16

Honestly, this wouldn't have made a thread in my life.

Hibambinos · 21/10/2023 10:21

I’d just be passive aggressive back - “ ah bless her! We can’t wait to see her too! The minute she responds to my text and invite, we can book something in - can’t wait!” Then leave it there.

Crafthead · 16/12/2023 14:32

Why is MIL reading this out to you?!
If I was with one of my children and another (or one of their partners though I've not been on texting terms with any of their boyfriends yet) sent a rude text about them I'd keep it to myself and have a word with them later about it.

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