To be upset about my aunt's birthday party

[Playingintheshadow]

My mother died from fucking, bastarding cancer at 62, just about to turn 63. She was always very close to her half-sister, 10 years older, and so we were always included in their family events.

Mum was really generous and supportive of her sister and her children - she really did go over and beyond! When she passed away, there were Christmas presents left for my aunt's grandchildren, which we obviously passed on. She had hosted a massive NY event for all the family every year.

A couple of years before mum died, my aunt started to gift my children £10 each at Christmas. My mum was considerably more generous to her sister's grandchildren, but that was ok. It didn't matter one bit.

Mum died in late November. My aunt didn't give my children anything that Christmas and never has done since.

Ever since, we've been excluded from all the family events that we would usually have been invited to.

My aunt recently celebrated a huge birthday, and we were left out of that too.

Not sure why I am posting this, as I don't ever post here. I know that my mum would have totally been there for my cousins if they had lost their mum first (and they've said as much), but my aunt has never done that for us.

Is this common?

I'm so sorry OP. Sometimes people are simply incomprehensible. Your mum sounds lovely.

Sorry for the loss of your obviously lovely mum 💐.
I guess her sister wasn’t blessed with the same generosity of spirit. Hold on to that.
There’s nothing you can do, but grieve twice I guess. I’m so sorry. Find a way to move on, knowing that your lovely mum would want that for you. I’m sure she would be disappointed with her sister. Or maybe, deep down she knew what she was really like, which was why your mum went to all that effort with your aunt.
They’re clearly different characters, you can’t change that. Look after yourself and you children, teach them your mothers way.

It sounds like your DM was more invested in the family relationships than your Aunt. It sounds like your mum was the glue holding everyone together. It must be horrible for you feeling this way, but some people don’t see much beyond their own immediate family. It’s common in families that when someone dies (usually the matriarchal figure) families can drift apart. I’m sorry you are experiencing this.

So sorry for your loss, OP. Your mum sounds lovely. Your aunt sounds at best insensitive, at worst not a very nice person at all.

Families are weird, people are unfathomable, life is sometimes very hard. Don’t let it sit with you, let it go. I know their indifference must be hurtful but it’s not a measure of your value, it’s just an indictment of who they are as people.

Just concentrate on keeping your mum’s memory alive for your children and let her spirit of love and generosity keep you all warm.

It sounds like your DM was more invested in the family relationships than your Aunt. It sounds like your mum was the glue holding everyone together

Yes, this, I’m afraid. It doesn’t make her a bad person, IMO, though I can see that it stings.

“A couple of years before mum died, my aunt started to gift my children £10 each at Christmas. My mum was considerably more generous to her sister's grandchildren, but that was ok. It didn't matter one bit.”

If it didn’t matter, you wouldn’t mention.

I’m from a large family, some people are organisers and love “family stuff” and others just aren’t that bothered.

It sounds like it was just more your mum’s thing than her sister’s. Obviously the birthday was down to your aunt - but for the other family things, why is she the gatekeeper? Are the living family on her dude all from the “half” that you’re not related to?

I’m sorry for your loss. I really can’t understand people who behave like your aunt.

YANBU, I can understand why it hurts to be left out. But your aunt is in her mid 70s so is it possible she’s moved into a time of her life where she is being supported by others a bit more rather than being the one providing support?

My mum is still alive but in a care home. Where I used to have a relationship with my aunts via my mum, I now nurture those relationships myself. I call them, send cards on their birthdays. Do you reach out to your aunt and her family?

I get it OP.
My aunt was a wonderful woman who died in her late fifties from cancer. She’d been there all my life for me and we were close. She and my uncle were godparents to my two children. Every Christmas and birthday she’d visit them with uncle and bring lovely gifts, the children always gave them gifts in return.

im an only child so my aunt and uncle were really the only aunt and uncle my children had. When she died they were devastated. After the funeral my Uncle slowly became distant and eventually ghosted us. He’d gone from favourite uncle to cutting the family off within six months. Even my parents. All of us. I ever understood and I’ll never forgive him.