Being blanked by SIL

[Confusedddddddd]

The title says it really, but I’m getting really fed up of the situation with by BIL and SIL. Sorry this is a long post.

I don’t know what I’ve done wrong, but for some reason BIL and SIL just ignore me and DH. DH and BIL are both very close to parents so we see them a lot. Every time we see them they don’t say hello to us. I used to wave to them or try to say hi but they just ignore us and go to say hello to others. We’ve literally been on holidays together and they’ve just done whatever they can to not make conversation with us - they’ll chat to PIL but ignore us to the point of talking over us. I’ve tried so many times and I don’t know what we’ve done wrong. It seems to be mostly SIL as BIL will sometimes try when SIL isn’t with him, especially when DH is around.

They TTC as soon as we announced we were pregnant, then went on about how great it will be for the cousins to grow up together. But then they continue to ignore us. We were on mat leave at the same time so offered for us to meet up which she turned down with excuses. She’s constantly making plans with other family members. And everyone thinks she’s so lovely but she hasn’t been to me, so I just feel like there’s something wrong with me.

When we see family they make it all about themselves and their DS which is fine, but I really struggled postpartum, but their parents were round theirs everyday helping. Literally one time DHs parents were babysitting their DS I hadn’t showered for 10 days, yet we see them and her nails are done, just been to the hairdressers. Not that I really cared about that, but it just made me feel like our new family wasn’t worth as much as theirs. Then they also booked a holiday to fall near my due date and arranged for the in laws to look after their dog, which meant we were stuck for dog care if I was to give birth then.
Its all just a vent really… I don’t want anyone to pity us. I’ve never really had a situation like this before. If it was a friend acting like this I wouldn’t care, stop making an effort and move on, but as it’s family, and that family love gatherings it’s very hard. It’s really sad as I have a lovely relationship with my own brother and SIL, but I just don’t understand why they are acting that way,or if we’ve done something to cause it and it’s really getting to me I’m at the point of not really wanting to see DH’s family if they are there anymore . Am I just being stupid about it? Would you be able to get on with family like this?

Ah op that sounds really shit
Has your DH asked his brother what the problem is? Might be worth trying that when SIL isn't there and see if he can get a straight answer. Have any other family members noticed their hostility? Can you pinpoint when things changed with them?

Do they know when your birthday is? I have to admit I don't know my BIL birthday

Sounds horrible.
I’d be tempted to deal with it directly or ask DH too. “I am speaking and your are ignoring me. Why are doing that? Is there a problem you want to discuss ”?

It sounds absolutely ridiculous.

Surely other family members must have noticed if they literally aren’t even saying hello to you?

Wow, that sounds really awful op. Would you consider withdrawing from the family? Removing yourself from the WhatsApp maybe and message pil separately? What is the rest of the family like towards you? Could dh ask pil if they have noticed their hostility?

@Mumof2teens79 yep because everyone else in the WhatsApp group wished me happy birthday and when I said thanks I saw they’d read the message.

@Anothernamethesamegame its hard to say - their parents are very quiet and reserved, and they are always going on about all the things they are up to.
I just find it really strange that I’m seeing behaviours that no one else is.

I would be surprised if others aren't seeing it, they are more than likely choosing to ignore it, just like your dh is by the sounds of it. He needs to fight your corner more.

Can’t help but ask what your husband was doing while you hadn’t showered for 10 days?

Anyway, stop putting yourself in the position to be kicked like this. Don’t go on holiday with people who blank you, for a start.

This sounds similar to my experience except my SIL was rude to me infront of everyone and no ine would say anything. And then she started ignoring me when I kicked back about being told that I'm not doing enough. It's been years and she's still rude and ignores me even though i try to engage and be nice. But what took me years to realise, was my MIL was being nice to my face but being horrid behind my back. And that things were being said about me but my husband wouldn't tell me and would brush things off if I questioned things. As well as me suffering post partum with no help but my SILS all got help. So basing on what you're saying, I'd be inclined to find out if the family have something against you right from the start. Most people can be polite and hide their disappointment/ hatred / uneasiness. But there's always one who can't control it.

@Teapleasebobb I really don’t know how they’d take it. They really love her. I’m just worried about coming across as a b!tch, which I think I already did last weekend.
Their DS had a tummy bug and they decided to still bring him to a big family gathering and I didn’t want our DD catching it so I told parents to keep them apart. Parents kept bringing them together. DD caught it anyway.
Reason being is I recently had surgery for a ruptured ectopic which I think may have been caused by a tummy bug and we are TTC again so just being very vigilant. There was also a family member with cancer there but hey ho…
Which is another thing.. somehow word of my ectopic got out to them. Not a single get well soon message. I did briefly speak to BIL at a gathering and all he said was “I hear work have been great at letting you have time off with your issue”. To be honest I was a little stunned… I nearly died! Of course they are letting me have time off! Even though I only took 10 days.

They all see the rudeness and they all know why. It's only you who doesn't know. This was my experience as well. I'm very low contact with in laws / MIL and for the first time ever, I blanked my SIL. She was more than happy to stare at me then rather than her usual ignore me or make minimal conversation because she wants to hold my children. My experience also tells me that if they have it in for you, no matter what you say or do, it will never be right, never be enough and something you say or do which they percieve to be an aggression against them, they will find a way to punish you. You can't win. And like yourself I would wonder what the hell was going on, why am I experiencing this hurtful behaviour and no one says anything. Its because they were all in on it. And SIL was just doing everyone's dirty work. Please don't waste your precious time on them. Set yourself free from their need. If you have your own family nearby that might be all you need.

@Zanina thats awful! I’ve always felt they don’t like me. They are quite well off, whereas my family struggled a lot. I feel I get in better with MIL than FIL though as we have similar hobbies.

@Sarvanga38 lol, we were also having some issues with stupidly deciding to get a puppy while pregnant, so other than working he was usually trying to stop the puppy from
destroyjng the house and in the few hours he got to mind the baby, I was catching up on sleep. I could have showered admittedly but I really needed sleep.
it was the fact that on two separate occasions the parents had been round to look after baby while she went out to get nails and hair done

@Zanina yes the holding the children! This weekend was the first time I decided to not bother to say hi. I was playing with my DD while she was sat on MILs lap, and SIL stuck her head in between the two of us and tried to play! Wtf?!

Outing myself as passive aggressive here but I was on the other side of this. I really disliked my BIL to the point where I couldn’t stand to be around him and would blatantly ignore him whenever we were together. It really just was because I disliked him and it was so frustrating to me that no one else could see what a horrible person he was. Not saying you’re horrible - sometimes people just can’t get on with someone! And some of us really can’t hide our feelings that well. Try to let it go because you aren’t going to change their minds.

My SIL ignores me to my face. I spent years worrying about it but now I just figure whatever, I don't like her anyway, we don't need to be friends. I'm friendly when I see her but I don't go out of my way to see her or message her and tend not to think about her in general!
She's super gushy to others, she just doesn't like me I guess. I'm not sure I care why anymore as if she'd told me the reason, I would have been able to address it/ apologise for it and move on. It's up to her if she'd rather stew on it.
I miss my nephews but they'll be old enough to see independently soon so I'll make up for lost time when I can.

Bdays on what's app:

Mil, fil etc: happy bday confused!
Confused: thank you mil, fil, anyone else's name if they sent wishes

Sil shoves head between you and your DC: oh, do excuse me sil, I don't think you realised I was here (pass agg tones?)

As soon as you're sure of the next due date, book mil up for dog and elder DC sitting for that period and ask gently if if they could keep a few weeks free of other obligations - perhaps DH could do the asking. Seeing as it's his family.

Sil sounds like an epic walker and is obviously jealous of you, perhaps you're super naturally gorgeous where as her money can't buy that and can only cover it up with tacky dye jobs and acrylic nails 😉

*wanker

Yes it has been awful. It was my ten year marriage anniversary yesterday, and all I could think of was all the shit my in laws have given me and wish I never married. I feel like I have moments where I'm not rational (because of course my marriage is good and I have two beautiful children who are my biggest blessings) but all the not knowing wtf is going on and being gaslighted, has I feel, messed with my head. This is why I say to you don't waste your precious time x its interesting that you mention "social/ financial status of the families" my in laws grew up in poverty and we did too to an extent just not as bad as theirs was. But my SIL would make comments about how big my parents house was and that my pre wedding party was "big" or they'd pick apart what I'm wearing etc. I don't come from a rich family, I don't buy designer gear, I have always been a humble down to earth person to a point that friends couldn't relate to me as I wasn't shopping to no end like them. But my in laws must have seen me as a threat. They would question if im spending my husbands money. And she even once said to me, randomly "don't go thinking you're any better than us". She really crushed me that day. I feel bitter that she was allowed around me and no one stood up for me when she was being a bitch. I was only 24 when I got married and she was a women in her 40s. Just a total bully.

Please don't let them make you a shadow of yourself. If your SIL is rude, just ignore her. She probably loves the fact that you keep making effort and she gets a chance to put you down. One day you probably will find your answer, it will end up coming about.

Honestly I think a person has to have no shame, if they ignore a family member but can go up to them and grab / interact with their children. My son would cry often (high needs baby/ suspected autism) and the drift I got was, that I had turned my baby against them but made him familiar with my family (who live hours away and we only see every few months). I would plead with my in laws to not touch or kiss my child if he isn't crying and happily playing because it will trigger him and then only I can settle him, and I'm exhausted I just need a break. My pleas would be ignored and they would set him off. Cue endless crying. My MIL even accused my son of faking his cries. He was 3 years old and a pandemic child.

I actually knew my ex sil before she became my sil and we got along just fine! As soon as I got with and married her db it all changed! She was offhand, cold, rude, made trouble and was outright hostile! I tried to rectify this many times but in the end gave up and she started getting treated how she treated me! It became obvious there was a pattern to this behaviour with his previous partners and she even became besties with his ex ( previous to me) that she couldn't stand and had been vile to for their whole relationship! I guess some people are just weird and don't waste your time trying to figure them out! Just treat them as they treat you!

They clearly don't like you OP. Sorry. I'd leave them be now