Oh, Ladies of mumsnet help me! Name change for obvious reasons. Long so as not to drip feed (and to prevent lots of people telling me to ask for what I want in bed).
TLDR: I can't orgasm with a partner. It's me not them, and it's mental, not physical and I'm happy with it. I'm not in a long term relationship. Should I keep faking it or not, and if not what the hell else should I do?
I cannot orgasm with a partner. I just can’t. It’s NOT a physical-ask-for-what-you-want-thing. I’m asking. They’re doing it. It feels bloody fantastic. I'm loving it. I just don’t peak. It’s obviously some kind of mental block, but how would I unblock it? I don’t actually want to, I don’t think. I’m happy, but just now I feel bad about faking it. I never have before. And I'm sure the guys concerned would be unhappy if they knew, because they cared about pleasing me and I genuinely believe honesty is important in relationships.
I have no childhood history of sexual trauma or abuse. I had a long term toxic first relationship which turned abusive (not physical and not seriously, then I got out). I faked it because he was such a twat about it if I declined or didn’t (I know that’s sexual/emotional abuse/blackmail. It’s history.) No prizes for guessing who established the pattern and why.
I had looooong spell being single and happy and recently have had two (separate and consecutive) relationships with lovely, lovely men. I liked them a lot, I felt emotionally and physically safe with them. I led the pace. There was no pressure. They were both kind, skilled and generous lovers. When we were together, I’m comfortable, relaxed, and childfree. Either sober or just one or two glasses. I’m totally happy to tell them what feels good and they were happy to oblige me. But I just never quite get there. It felt amazing, I was having a great time, I’m definitely into it. I just never quite tip over. It’s not frustrating. It felt way, way better than when I masturbate (when I can come, but it’s not really that great. I’d take either of the guys and no orgasm any day. I can even come with a vibrator and I don’t even like that much, but I’ll get there).
What the hell would I even do about it? I don’t really want to go a boatload of expensive therapy and have to bring it into my sex life in a new relationship. I'm sure no new-to-me-guy is going love that, either. And I can't really see it working. That just feels like a whole lot of effort when I'm fine with how things are. I am ashamed to say I have fallen back on the old pattern of faking it. Not the feelings, just the end point. It feels like the most tactful and fluid way of moving things in the direction I want them to go, that's all. The first relationship fizzled out, but this one I think could really go somewhere, only not with this hanging over it. But should I fess up and hurt his manly feelings? It’s a big lie, he’s going to feel pretty betrayed and it will tarnish some great memories for him. And men are so sensitive about their performance (which is not the issue at all, but I bet they'd never really believe that) But I’m absolutely OK with how things are. I don’t want big deep trauma talks and sex therapy homework. I'm not sure I even want him to be 'understanding' about it. I like keeping control of it this way. I don't want sex to be abut trying to solve this problem. It's not really a problem. I'm enjoying the light-hearted part of a new relationship, but I can't leave telling a partner until its more serious, really, can I?
Even if it doesn't work out this time, how should I approach this with other guys from the start? I can’t just dump all this baggage on a guy I’m just getting to know. At least some of them will be all ‘that’s because you’ve never tried with me’ and see it as a challenge, and that’s no fun at all. I bet some will be all pouty and hurt because they feel inadequate. And you can’t wait until you know if it’s going to be more than a fling, because of the deception. I’m peri, and SUPER horny. I want lots of great (safe) sex fairly soon in a committed, monogamous relationship. It’s my main motivation for being in one (I don't want casual hook ups, it just not me).
The only advice I am finding is relax and tell them what feels good. But I AM relaxed, and I AM telling them what feels good, and they’re doing it. But after a while, it just stops feeling as good and kind of fades away. With the vibe I press harder and turn it up, and I’ll get there but it doesn’t feel exactly good, sort of clinical and really too much, and I feel uncomfortable all day afterwards. It's much less enjoyable chasing the climax that doesn't feel anything like as good as the build up does. Without it, I'm doing the same things I'm asking for with guys and it works, but it doesn't feel anything like as good as it did with either of the guys I've been with. With a them, I’d rather move onto to something different and build again. And really, a little bit of extra performance and everybody gets what they want, right? Well it’s fine in a fling. I don’t think I want a proper relationship with a big fat lie in it, though. But then, surely my feelings (ahem) come first here? I really don't know how to make this fair on everyone.
I’m not depressed. I have a well controlled underactive thyroid. I have ADHD (medicated), I have PCOS and I’m on HRT for night sweats and lots of little symptoms. I don’t have an STI and as far as I know never have. I’m 45. Pelvic floor not what it was, but OK I think. I don't think any of these things are involved.